A/n: So I kinda wanted to add on to the first bit and I'm scared I'll fuck that up so I need some feedback from you lovelies. And I thought it would be cool af to try and do this from Chris's POV so uhm yeah. No song this time but I'm still using Hurt~ Adelitas Way as my like inspiration or whatever. That was deep. Anyway yeah.
Thump. Thump. Thump.
I could feel my heart beating against my chest, the heat from what had happened managing to keep me warm despite the cold biting at my cheeks. I realized I had left my coat and practically all I own at mine and Ricky's house. But I didn't care. I had to get away from all of that, him, that house, all the things I'd forever remember from that place. Of course I'd loved Ricky and if I'm being honest, I still did. It's just something about the way he reacted to my touch when I was hurting him, it was like an addiction I had. His little whimpers and whines were like absolute music to my ears. Am I crazy for thinking that? And liking that? No. No I'm not. He never once ever even mentioned leaving or wanting to leave me. Which is why I never left. There was always this sort connection between me and him, like we clicked and understood each other. How he seemed to understand my actions and on occasion enjoy them.
Thumpthump. Thump. Thumpthump.
The excitement and literal pleasure I got from doing this was utterly ridiculous. I somehow knew I wouldn't be able to stay away and even if I could, he couldn't. He'd have to find me and beg me to come back, say he'd do anything just so long as I come back. I knew him so well and actually missed him, to the point where I found myself turning on my heels and heading straight back to our house. I wanted to stop, I wanted to walk as far away from here as I could, but at the same time I didn't. And I couldn't. So I kept walking, telling myself that this was right and okay and hopefully I could fix this shit. I had been walking for hours so who knows where I even was since I hadn't looked up since I began. I found myself quite a ways away so I decided a cab would be nice so I didn't have to walk the entire rest of the way. I dug into my pocket and got out the amount I would need to pay the cab driver and finally, after getting rather frustrated and annoyed, caught a cab and paid him, giving him the directions he needed. I sat silently, staring out the window as we crossed a bridge and with a small bounce, landed back onto the pavement. I noticed the driver continually looking in his rearview mirror at me with a concerned look as I noticed I probably looked so damn angry and confused that he probably thought I was going to kill him. I shook myself back into reality and gave him a small, mind you, small smile and directed my attention back to my thoughts and the window. "Something troublin' ya sir?" The driver asked in a thick northern accent. I looked at him, sort of shocked he'd ask anything like that. "No." I cleared my throat. "No, I'm fine. Why d'you ask?" I asked, one eyebrow slightly raised. The man shrugged, his eyes fixed on the road. "Ya seem like you're far off. Y'know? Thinkin'." He said glancing back at me. I shook my head no and flipped my hair back out of my face. "I'm fine.." I reassured myself, getting that disgusting feeling you get when you feel like something is wrong but you don't have a clue what. I tried to shake off the feeling as I saw our house come into view, well. Barely considering there was only the porch light on and apparently no lights on at all inside.
ThumpthumThumpthumpThumpthump.
As the car came to a stop, everything seemed sort of muffled and weird as I felt my heart beat all the way up into my throat. I opened the car door as fast as I possibly could and nodded at the driver as he threw up a hand and drove off. I stood at the end of the sidewalk, just looking at the house for a minute before finally walking up to the door and slowly pushing it open with a small squeak. I walked inside, everything was incredibly quiet and just all around weird. "Ricky..?" I looked around the living room and over at the stairs waiting for a reply. When I didn't receive one I raised a brow and headed for the stairs. I walked up them and went straight for our room but stopped dead in my tracks when I saw Ricky standing in the bathroom, a small puddle of blood fool ring down around his ankles. Just as I stopped in the doorway, he looked up, I wasn't sure if he actually saw me, he said, "Will you miss me?" I watched the entire scene unfold before, completely panic stricken and helpless as he fell. All those times I'd said I hated him and he was worthless, just now, I realized it wasn't true. None of that was true and I'd actually loved him more than any one human being on the planet. I sniffled back the tears threatening to fall down my cheeks as I slowly walked towards him, his chest still rising and falling slowly but not enough for him to even notice my presence. "I'm so sorry..." I furrowed my brow to further postpone my crying. I picked him up bridal style and started back down the stairs. "I'm gonna get you out of this.." I whispered against his ear even though he probably couldn't even hear me. I carried him to the couch and laid him down and as I did so, I noticed he was wearing my jacket and couldn't stop the tears that were undoubtedly pouring down my face. I grabbed my phone from my pocket and dialed 911. "911 please state your emergency." I heard the woman's voice come through the phone and didn't even let her finish before I started talking. "My- boyfriend.. He's just attempted suicide and he's bleeding so much..." I brought a hand to face, my voice sounding way to whiney for my liking as the full gravity of the situation finally hitting me like a brick. "Alright, please tell me your address and we'll send someone over right away, sir." I told her our address in a sort of rushed and jumbled manner and hung up, practically running back to Ricky. "Oh god...." I looked as his arms and saw just exactly how deep he had cut himself and the pain he must have been feeling to cause him to do that.. I brushed the stray bits of hair out of his face and traced my thumb over his cheek. "You better get through this, Olson.." I leaned up and kissed his forehead, his skin growing a bit cold. I got up and turned on some lights and just as I did, the ambulance arrived, they knocked and I opened it as they were still knocking. "The couch." I pointed them in the direction they needed to go and then went to stand outside. They picked him up and put him on the bed then after situating him they rolled him back out, a small struggle going down the few stairs but eventually made it back to the ambulance and put Ricky safely inside. Just as they were closing the door I jogged up behind one of them and stopped them, climbing in the back with one other guy. "Boyfriend?" The one guy asked, pointing at me for a second before going back to getting bandages and what not. I nodded, my eyes not leaving Ricky for a second. He nodded and focused back to Ricky as well. How could I have done this? I'm not like this... Am I? And now I'm paying for it.. I'm going to lose Ricky. My Ricky. My life... I must've started crying since the man across from me stopped for a second to glance at me. I pulled my sleeve over my hand and used the back of it to wipe my face off. "It'll be alright.." He said with the tone that doctors have when its really not going to be alright they just want you to believe it is, I looked up at him, half angry and shook my head. "I fucked it up, man. Don't lie to me.." I looked back away from him when he shrugged his shoulders and finished the bandage on Ricky's wrist. "The hospital will do a better one." He said obviously noticing me eyeing the bandage he'd just made, when he spoke, I just looked up at him, no emotion whatsoever on my face.
The rest of the ride was silent, except for the few beeps from the monitors which Ricky was hooked up to. Finally after what seemed like an eternity we arrived at the hospital and the door on the back of the ambulance and Ricky was pulled away from me almost immediately there after. I jumped out and tried to follow them but of course they told me I had to use the main entrance and just come back to the emergency waiting room. I ran around the enormous building and through the automatic doors, the disgusting smell of a hospital filling my senses with dread and almost fear. I had slow myself to a fast walk as I finally started out to the emergency waiting room. I finally made it and pushed through the doors and walked up to the front desk. "Ricky Olson?" I asked, sort of out of breath. "Yes he's in 231." The woman smiled politely. I walked to the back of the room where the door to the actual rooms were and pushed through it, looking for Ricky's room. I laid eyes on it and walked up to but I was stopped by a nurse, "I'm sorry sir, we're not allowing anyone in right now." She smiled apologetically up at me, "N- Why?" I started to protest but decided to just stay as calm as possible. "We're working on getting him ready for some bandages and medications." She said opening the door and walking inside and over to Ricky. I watched through the little window for a minute then sighed, walking over to the chair on the other side of the and sitting down, my leg automatically starting to bounce. I hated my stupid nervous habits. I sat there for 2 hours before someone finally said that I could come in. "Come on in, Mr..." She paused obviously wanting my last name. "Cerulli." She nodded. "He's still not conscious and everything is pretty low.." She said, rather sad, as she left the room and let me pass. I walked in and heard the heart monitor beep. I kept waiting for more beeps but I only got one, then finally another. Hearing his heart beat that slowly tore me up for some reason. The fact that he was practically dying right in front of me was hard to take. Everything I'd done to him... What were his last thoughts about before he did this? I squeezed my eyes closed and then walked over to the single chair beside his bed. I watched all of the different screens and machines beep and do different things then I looked down at Ricky. All the bruises and scars, no doubt from me. Normally I would have smiled and been proud of this, but now it cause a puddle of guilt to pool in my stomach. I easily took hold of his hand and squeezed it softly. "Ricky.." I started, looking over his incredibly frail looking figure, "Oh god Ricky.." I brought his hand to my lips and noticed my hands hand been shaking incredibly bad as I brought his hand up to me. I placed a kiss on the back of his hand. "I'm so sorry. I swear on my life if you just pull through this for me, I'll live the rest of my life making it up to you.." I sounded pitiful but if Ricky could hear me, he needed to know I meant this more than anything and he meant more than anything to me. "I drove you to do this and I left you alone to do it. You had every right to hate me and you stayed.. Night after night you stayed.." I felt like I was rambling on and on and not making any sense but all of these feelings that I'd hidden away and ignored were just bubbling up and spilling over into this jumble of whatever I was saying. I finally found the words I'd been look for this whole time and just said them before I had time to think about it, "I need you, Ricky..."
