I'm Fine

Part 25

I haven't updated this in forever. I think the last time I wrote for this the forum was still up. Thank you for reading this even though it's been so long.

The purple polka dots on the wall of the nursery seem to mock me. Oh god, I'm going insane. The walls are talking to me. That can't be normal. I'm not normal.

I'm disgusting.

Sean reaches for my arm and I'm torn between yanking away or sinking in. Getting close will only make it hurt so much worse when he leaves.

He's going to leave.

They're all going to leave me. Why on earth would they want to be with a mess like me?

I don't even want to be with a mess like me.

"Pookie," his voice is full of pity that I don't deserve. I don't respond. He draws me closer to his body. "Pookie, what do you want us to do?"

I reign in my bitter tone before I start. It's not him I'm angry with, it's myself. I should've tried to hide it better. All I'll ever be is a failure.

"Nothing. I'm fine. The nightmares have just been worse lately, but I'm fine. I'm just exhausted and stressed, finals are coming up," I ramble. He pushes a finger to my lips.

He takes a deep breath and cards his hands through his hair. "Let me put this a different way. Do you want to go onto a meal plan, get a therapist, stay at the hospital, or any combination of these?"

I want to die to get skinny. I need to be thin. If nothing else. I need the boys to stay with me.

"I'm fine."

"Do you want admittance to the hospital? Do want to see Dr. Livings again? Or a different therapist? Do you want to move in with me and follow a meal plan?"

None of the above.

"I don't want to talk to anyone. Please."

"You can't keep doing this to yourself. I won't stand idly by as you kill yourself." I'm not killing myself, I'm making myself better. If I wanted to kill myself, I could, I should. They're going to leave me anyways. It'd probably happen then.

"Can't I just... give me two weeks; if I eat normally will I still have to talk to anyone?" He looks conflicted.

"Two weeks, no more. You have to eat three supervised meals a day."

I can't believe he agreed. "Can we go home now?"

...

I'm taken to my house with Gabriel. Sean had left me in the hallway as he talked to all the boys. I'm not an idiot, they were talking about how much trouble I am. Gabriel was right, but I'm not worth it.

He cheerfully whistles as he cooks, but it is forced. "Ready Trouble?"

No. "Yep!"

He places the meal on the table and watches me intently as I chew.

Fucking fatass. You will never be anything.

Have to eat or they'll put me in the hospital.

Doesn't matter. They're going to leave you anyways.

Might as well try. If this will make them happy.

Stop eating. It's why you're fat.

Why can't you do anything right?

You need to lose eight more pounds before you're pretty.

My god, you fucking failure. Just kill yourself.

I shake myself out of my inner dialogue with the girl in my head when Gabriel speaks. "Pardon?"

"You doing okay there, Trouble?" I was never okay, I've been fat my entire life.

"Of course." We finish up and I start the dishes.

His phone rings and the look is one I know well by now. Academy. He darts outside to answer.

I remember the pills in the cupboard. Laxatives. Those are supposed to help you lose weight, right? I grab them quickly, pour three into my hand and dry swallow them