"Jessica what are you doing you're in your room for 4 hours without eating or drinking. Please open the door" my mom said. I didn't respond she doesn't need to know I'm cutting myself. "Please honey open the door!" My mom sounded worried because I didn't respond. "No, leave me alone!!!" I yelled. "You know you can always talk to me. I'm in the kitchen if you want to talk." I heard my mom walk downstairs. I cut myself once more in my arm. I don't like to do it but it's the only way I forget my problems. I heard my mom come upstairs. "Jessica were is my bread knife?" Shit, what if she finds out I'm cutting myself? "I don't know" I quickly answered. "Jessica don't lie to me where is that knife! If you don't tell me I break in in your room." I need to hide the knife but were? Under my bed she will find it immediately. In my closet I can put it under my clothes and lock the door. Just when I had hidden the knife my mom came in my room. "Jessica, where is that knife?" "I don't know" "I know you're lying you cut yourself." I totally forgot to cover my arms. "Please Jessica stop with hurting yourself and talk to me why are you doing all this? I know there is something that you aren't telling me. You know you can tell me anything." I started crying I told her the whole story of what happened with Andrew and how much I missed dad. My mom was listening the whole time without interrupting me. "Why didn't you told it us earlier?" "I was to ashamed and I thought you wouldn't believe me like when I said he was a dealer in drugs." "Oh honey I'm so sorry we made you feel like that!" She gave me a hug and whispered sweet things in my ear. I never felt this way, I felt relieved I finally told my mom about it and I felt happy because my mom believed me. "You need to get help" My mom said to me. I knew she was right about that but I'm scared to tell it to strangers. They don't know how I'm feeling why I do this and it's something I can't explain. "You know you don't have to be ashamed of it. That people will help you to deal with all that stuff." my mom said. I think she saw in my eyes I was scared of it. "Okay, I will go." I said to my mom. "Now we are going to clean your wounds, I don't want you to get infections." I walked with my mother to the bathroom. "I'll go get the disinfection from the kitchen wait here and don't do anything! Promise?" "Promise!" When she walked to the kitchen I looked in the mirror. I looked terrible, my hair is a mess, my eyes are red from crying and my face was skinny. When my mom finally came back with the disinfection she saw me looking in the mirror. "You are beautiful honey even on your worst day" Wow I don't know how she does it but she always knows the right thing to say.
After my mom cleaned my wounds we drunk some tea and we talked about weird things but it made me smile. I haven't smiled in a while. I'm starting my laptop to get ready to Skype with my dad. We only speak for 5 minutes once in a week. It's hard but it's better than not seeing him at all. I heard a familiar tune on my laptop it was from Skype I was happy to see it was my dad.
"Hey sweetie how are you?"
"Hey dad I'm fine and you?" (Our conversations aren't the best but I like to hear his voice again it makes me feel safe again. When I was little and it was storming I always went to the bedroom of my parents and he always made me feel safe with his low voice. Weird isn't it?)
"I'm fine too. How was your day at school?"
"Dad I told you last week I had vacation."
"Oh sorry I forgot."
"When are you coming to New York."
"I don't know, I'm really busy I can't let the boys alone right now."
(I hated this so much he always talks about the "boys" it looks like he forget me sometimes. Since he got that new job he can't stop talking about them. He is there manager and he said they are very famous in the United Kingdom.)
"But sweetie I have to go see you next week bye love you."
"Bye"
This was the shortest conversation we ever had. It makes me sad, it's like he loves that boys more than his own daughter. Whatever, I'm going to sleep. Maybe tomorrow will be better than today.
