Lost and Insecure

Typical Morning Breakdowns

I woke up with the sun shining through my window. I groaned throwing my covers of my head. Please let me get 3 more hours of precious sleep, I thought to myself. I closed my eyes stubbornly, trying to drift back into blackness but my body thought differently. My stomach growled impatiently, I groaned once again throwing my legs over the bed. I stifled a yawn, and walked to the bathroom.  I looked into the mirror and grimaced.  My auburn hair was coming out of its bun, my face was oddly pale, my green eyes looked mockingly ugly, and my lips looked chapped. I bit my lip, shaking my head. I am deeply ashamed of my appearance, I thought to myself. I trudged down the stairs hearing the murmurs of my parents. I walked into the kitchen where my dad was reading the newspaper, and my mom was cooking breakfast.

“Good morning baby,” my mom said quietly, obviously trying to hide the strain in her voice. I already knew that my parents were arguing before I entered the room, I’ve grown up with them fighting. They can’t try to hide it from me anymore.  I sat down at the table, and fidgeted with my hair. I really disliked talking to my parents when they were fighting, so I avoided the thought of speaking.

“How was your sleep?,” My mom tried again.  I really thought about her question. My sleep?  Well the usual. I tossed and turned, and had bad dreams about someone kidnapping me.

“It was good,” I lied. My mom offered an “mmmhmm” in reply as she put a plate of pancakes in front of me. I looked at the mouthwatering, deliciously pancakes then down to my awfully big thighs. I debated on whether or not I should eat the pancakes or face the later consequences in life if I ate them.  I pushed the pancakes away, and instead got an apple to eat. My mom smiled at me for the decision, I rolled my eyes. I went to my dad and gave him a hug before going back to my room.

 I sank down to the floor once I was in my territory, my escape. I felt like crying. My life seemed completely normal to the average human eye, but in reality it wasn’t. My family was divided ever since I was born it felt like things went wrong.  My brother always tell me how before I came along, things went swimmingly well.  I felt like I was stumbling through life, I always knocked someone down or ruined something along the way.  I felt the tears slide down my cheek, I angrily wiped them away.  Typical morning breakdowns, I thought to myself. I laughed bitterly, and got up to get ready for the day. I smiled because I am going to hang out with my best friend today. I jumped in the shower, and let the steaming water release the tension in my shoulders. I lifted my face up to the water, letting it pour down violently on face. The shower can surely make me feel better.  I was humming to a tune while washing my hair when I heard a pounding at the bathroom door.

“Get out of there other people have to use the shower brat,” yelled my brother Wyatt. I heard my mom yell in the distance to Wyatt to not call me a brat. I sighed, and turned off the shower, grabbing a near towel near me.  I opened the door, holding my towel securely around me. My brother walked right in, and shoved me against the door.  My head hit the wall, a screech came out my mouth. My mom ran up to where I was, and started to yell. My dad followed her up the stairs, and started to yell as well. Words circled around my head, my mom and dad turned to each other and started to yell at each other. I stood up and closed my eyes trying to resist the tears from falling. My brother smirked at me saintly; I gave him a disgusted look.  I ran to my room, slamming the door shut furiously trying to block out the commotion outside.  I wrapped my towel around me and buried my face into knees. I stayed like this until the yelling died down. I waited for what always happened after my mom and dad fight, the apology. I heard a soft knock on the door. I slipped on a sweatshirt and jeans before opening the door.

“Jamie, sweetie I’m sorry it was wrong for us to yell at each other like that in front of you,” said my dad.

“We are so sorry honey, we promise it won’t happen again,” My mom said reassuringly. She stroked my hair, and kissed my cheek. My dad squeezed my shoulder, and then they both left. Promises, I thought to myself angrily. They always PROMISE! Do they go through with their “promises”? No never, I thought to myself. I grabbed the nearest thing near me, and threw it to the wall. I bit my tongue fighting to say a billion curse words. I wiped my tears for the second time this morning, and tried to continue to get ready. I brushed through my long wet auburn hair, and let my bangs fall over my face. I applied some makeup, and then I was ready. I gave myself one last look in the mirror, and then went downstairs. My phone vibrated in my pocket, I checked and it was a text message “I’m here”. I smiled at the text and yelled goodbye before leaving.

“Not like anyone will care,” I muttered to myself quietly, and then stepped outside to meet my best friend Kelly. I squealed and ran to her pulling her into a tight squeeze. I took a step back and looked at her. Kelly has long brown hair that flows down to her stomach, a round but innocent looking face, deep brown milky eyes with incredibly long eyelashes to go with, a delicate pink flush around her cheekbone, and soft pink lips. All of this was natural beauty on top of it. She wore a flowery top with high waisted shorts. I scowled at my boring sweatshirt and jeans attire. Kelly pulled at my hand, making me lose my train of thought. She motioned at her dad waiting impatiently in the car for us. We both walked to the car and climbed. I muttered a quiet hello to Kelly’s dad.

“So what are we doing today,” I enthusiastically asked. Kelly really never tells me what we are doing, she tells me we are hanging out and when she will pick me up. I usually just go with the flow.

“Well first we got to go back to house so I can fix you up,” Kelly suggested. Her eyes trailing along my boring clothes. If only she was there to see what I went through this morning, I thought to myself. We pulled up to her big cozy looking house. Her brothers were outside playing basketball, and once they saw Kelly and me they rushed to us, giving us an amorous hug. Kelly laughed, and kissed one of her brothers on the cheek. I instantly filled with jealousy, wishing I could have that kind of relationship with my brother.  Kelly pulled me out from the love circle, and we went inside of her house. Kelly’s house was always so pretty, and decorated so elegantly. Her mom welcomed us both with hugs. Along with Kelly’s house being so pretty, you could just feel the love inside of it. The family bonding time, I felt tears form in my eyes wishing I had that with my family.  I quickly dabbed them away, and went upstairs to Kelly’s room. Kelly’s room had the theme of “paradise”. She had a hammock resting by her window, a big wooden bed, light blue and green walls, a large desk with a Mac laptop on it, portraits of me & her then of her family, and a humongous walk in closet.  I plopped down on her bed, and closed my eyes.

“Get up, we have a lot to do,” Kelly cheerfully said.  She pulled me up, I yawned and stretched. Then I opened my eyes to find Kelly wiping off my makeup.

“What are you doing?,” I said in disbelief.

“Wiping off your makeup, because I need to do it for you,” Kelly said with a smile. Then she pushed me into her bathroom and sat me down on the toilet. She got out her makeup that she rarely ever used because she didn’t need it.  She applied multiple products to my face, and hummed a tone. I waited patiently for her to tell me why she was doing this.

“Done,” Kelly exclaimed. I looked into the mirror, and smiled. Kelly always did makeup so beautifully. My face looked completely flawless; she managed to cover up the bags under my eyes from the lack of sleep. My cheeks had a tint of pink on it, my eyebrows looked professionally done, my eyelashes look luscious, and my eyelids sparkled with eye shadow.

“Thanks Kel, but why are you doing this,” I asked suspiciously. Kelly didn’t answer instead she plugged a flat iron into the wall, and sat me down once again. I felt her tug a brush through my hair, then started to flat iron my hair. While she played beauty salon, I took a power nap.

“Done,” Kelly said once again. I opened my eyes wearily then admired my straight auburn hair that flowed down to my breast. I wanted to ask again why she was doing all this, but before I could she grabbed my hand and pulled me to her walk in closet. She began to hum again, rummaging through a bunch clothes.  Then she threw a lacy tank top and skinny jeans at me.

“I refuse to put these clothes on until you tell me what we are doing,” I yelled at her. Kelly rolled her eyes, and held my face in her hands.

"We are going to a party," Kelly said slowly.