We Were Greedy

Chap. 13: Yes

Chapter 13

Yes

Christmas turned out to be extremely painful, as I had expected. The days were filled with gigantic buffets from which half of it was throw away, ridiculously expensive bottles of horrendous champagne, cheese almost as old as me and of course: gossiping.

And so that's why, only a day later after our arrival, on the actual day of Christmas, I found myself tremendously annoyed by it all. I could only sympathize with all the children that were brought along to join this foolish masquerade.

I was trying to escape yet another boring conversation by going to the bathroom, when I stumbled upon a melancholic sight.

Sitting on a secluded couch, looking bored out of his mind, was Philip's 15 years old cousin, and therefore the 'kid in the middle'. The kid in the middle was the one that was always too young to be with the adults, but way too old to be with the actual kids, the kid in the middle was always the one left out.

I made my way over him as he looked blankly outside the window. "Hello." I greeted nicely.

When he turned around I was stricken by a feeling of deja-vu and I instantly knew why.

The deep blue eyes, the eccentric hairstyle, the black band T-shirt. It was like seeing what Daniel certainly once looked like when he was younger. I had come to that point into our "relationship" that I recognized him wherever I went, whatever I did. There was always a way I would find to be with him, metaphorically, or really. At first I had denied the doings of my mind, but now that I had slept with him, once again, I had stopped fighting it. I was starting to accept the fact that no matter how hard I tried, I would never be able to destroy the feelings I had for him.

After recognizing my Dan in him, I was having a hard time truly remembering who he was supposed to be.

"Charles is it?" I asked tentatively and the boy nodded sheepishly.

"You're Nora, right?" He said with a thick Irish accent and I smiled, nodding.

The last time I had seen Charles was almost a year ago, when he was still 14.

Back then he had short buzzed hair and was always dressed "properly" just like the rest of his family, I guess it was harder to keep a leash on a 15 years old, for some reason. Or perhaps he was just going through that dark phase plenty of teenagers seem to go through.

"May I?" I asked him pointing to the sofa.

"Sure." He answered before taking his feet off the seat.

I smiled at the worn out converse sneakers that he wore on  his feet.

"So Charles, tell me your secret." I demanded as he looked at me quizzically. "How did you get them to let you wear whatever you want?" I asked and he chuckled lightly.

"You really wanna know?" He asked smiling, as he played with his shoelaces looking down.

He even had the antics Daniel had that I was so fond of.

"Sure!" I answered.

"This bunch of twats don't understand shit about life, they got me a shrink and all that. Turns out I'm depressed, so I use that to get what I want." He said chuckling to himself before looking back at me.

"Well, you're a blunt one." I laughed with him.

"Sometimes you have to." He smiled gently "If you keep telling lies to everyone how do you expect to even know the truth yourself?" He said softly. "I lived years telling people I was fine when I really wasn't, I managed to fool myself, thinking I was just being a whinny teenager, until I didn't want to just be. At all. Anymore."

"It's true." I answered kindly. "And I'm sorry to hear that. Such an amazing person like you."

He let out a breathy laugh. "How can you know?" He asked.

"The kindest people are always the ones who suffer the most. I had a friend who went through darkness like you. She always put everyone first, she once told me she was incapable of happiness, not because she wanted it to be that way... She told me that sadness latched onto her. She could never get excited for anything, people would be nice to her, offer her gifts, but I don't think they understood that's not what she needed. I believe she was lacking the most fundamental things, but people are so stuck onto the superficial, they forgot someone could lack those basic things we all take for granted. All she needed was to be loved. So she became numb... She was for many years until she found love, and that love gave her everything she had never wished for, but had always needed. Because even herself, didn't know she needed those things from saying she was fine all the time." I told him as his attention was completely absorbed by his shoelace.

When he looked up, his blue eyes were clouded with tears. They rolled down his cheeks and my heart sank. Out of reflex, I reached out for him and took him into my arms.

"That's exactly how I feel." He whispered in a strangled sob.

I felt his chest slightly tremble with pain as I rubbed his back. "You'll get through it, believe me." I told him as he pulled back. "It won't be pretty, you'll feel hopeless, but whatever you do, don't lose faith in yourself." I wiped a tear away from his cheek, feeling my own eyes water. "I know for sure, because when my friend was standing there, with a bottle of pills in her hands, she realized she still had faith she could do it... or else she wouldn't be standing in front of you." I said softly, as I felt a tear roll down my own cheek.

I caressed his hands as he looked at me and we shared that smile, that smile of knowledge, that smile you give to another tortured soul, the smile of acknowledged pain.

He probably didn't believe that it would get better, we all do at some point. We want to believe we can get better, but at the same time, it feels overly optimistic and unrealizable.

And it's incredibly scary to not know if you'll be alright, to consider suicide not as a last resort, but as the most advantageous possibility.


I lived through insanely dark times when I was his age, until Philip found me and the skies cleared...

I had somehow forgot about all that, all that he had done for me, how he believed in me when I didn't anymore. He didn't just tell me that I could do it like you would tell a sprinter before he goes onto the track. No, he became the part of myself that I had lost, he took care of things I was unable to because of this absolute lack of motivation, and soon enough when the path was clear and he had regained the control over my life, he handed it back to me, slowly and carefully. He made sure to be the part of me that was happy, since I was unable to, he transmitted it to me, like a disease. It took years, but it worked.

And so that's why when the old clock struck the twelve strokes of midnight and Philip set a knee down in the middle of thousands of discarded gifts wraps and the whole room fell in an excited silence, that the choice couldn't be any clearer. I wanted to be with him forever. Philip was my future whatever had happened between me and Daniel, Philip had been my past like he was my present, I knew I'd had to confess my wrongs to him someday, but for now, the only words that came flying out of my mouth with tears of happiness were:

"Yes, I do!"

A/N:  Don't mind me it's the 24th of august and I write about christmas. It was an extremely short chapter I know, but I wanted to update since it's MY BIRTHDAY WOOOOOOO!!! anyways.

WHAT IS GOING ON??!!! you ask, well they're engaged, and I'm furious because Nora is such an idiot. But I hope that with a little more light shinning onto her past you can understand her choices better. 

IMPORTANT To whoever is touched by depression (whatever kind: chronic, bipolarity etc.) in any way (a family member, a friend, yourself) you can always talk to me, AL-WAYS, I never make any judgement, and I know what it feel like. Sometimes it's more than nice to talk to someone who understands you.

PS: bb Danny got ranked second on the 50 most hottest male indie musician, I love buzzfeed more than ever now (pps: Kyle got ranked 14th!! ) Here's da link: http://hopelessthunder.org/buzzfeeds-the-50-hottest-male-indie-musicians-list-revised/