When My Life Changed

Chapter Nine

On Friday Benji isn’t at school again. Chloe tells me that he’s sick, although her tone alerts me that something is wrong. I decide that ignorance is bliss. Perhaps she’s just got a lot on her mind, I think selfishly.

Madallin and Francis keep to themselves all day. I don’t want to but I can’t stop feeling this dismal emotion. I thought that I was growing closer to them than with any of the others, and then they betrayed me. As I always do, I turn my sadness into anger. How dare they turn mean like this? To me? I thought they were my friends!

If Chloe notices my aggravation today, she doesn’t say anything. In fact, she hardly says anything to me at all. Despite myself, I keep thinking that I’m just being abandoned.

At lunch my predicament only becomes worse. Jasmine and Morgan ambush me and make me talk to them.

“Why are you treating us like this?” Jasmine demands. “We were your friends!”

“Yeah,” Morgan slams in. “We’ve done nothing to you then you just start ignoring us!”

I’m too close to tears for my liking.

“So what? Have those other girls gotten to you?” Jasmine shouts. “We were your friends first! We deserve priority!”

“Just leave me alone!” I shout. For a few seconds they stop. Not only was that the most amount of words I had spoken together, but I had shouted. I’m not the sort of person that to willingly shout at someone else.

Their silence didn’t last for long.

“So you’re shouting at us now? Did the girls put you up to that?” Morgan probed.

I can’t stand it anymore. I shove past them and run. I’m not a healthy person, I can’t run for miles, but I’m a good sprinter. I’m away from them and around several corners before I even realise that I’m out of breath. Tears are spilling out of my eyes, forcing me to cease my running and jog instead.

I turn around to check to see if they are on my trail. I don’t see them but I keep moving anyway. When I’m on the other side of the school I finally allow myself to collapse in a heap. I’ve purposefully placed myself in the garden, among the bushes where I won’t be found. It’s here that I allow myself to finally bawl my eyes out. I’m beating myself up about my actions, my responses, my life, everything.

How could I be so stupid to trust those people? I had promised myself that I would never trust so easily again, and here I was, being betrayed by everyone I once held dear.

I’m starting to hyperventilate now, both from the running and the trauma. I curl up my legs and touch my knees to my chin. I’d blow my nose and wipe my eyes if I had a tissue.

“Are you okay?”

I should’ve known that a teacher would find me. They always do whenever I least want them. I look up, not to see a teacher, but Jake. I want to stop trembling and vibrating, say “Yes I’m all right,” but I can’t. He leans down next to me and his face softens.

“Hey if you don’t want to talk to me, then you should talk to a teacher,” he says.

“NO!” I shout. I take a couple more breaths. “No teachers,” I say, much quieter. “I don’t want anyone to get involved.” I bury my head back into my knees.

Now he sits down next to me.

“Do you want to talk about it?” he asks softly. I shake my head. “Do you want a hug?” This time I hesitate before I shake my head. “Do you want me to go away?” I want my alone time, but I don’t want him to go. It’s not often that a guy talks to me, especially one that’s so good-looking.

No! Stop thinking like that. You have a boyfriend, even if he’s not here taking care of you. Suddenly my head starts spinning with questions and thoughts. Why isn’t Benji here? He should be the one asking if I’m okay and do I want a hug.

The bell for the end of lunch goes off. Jake stands up and waits. When I don’t make a move, he reaches down and gently grabs my arm.

“Please don’t,” I whisper.

“You’ll get in trouble if you stay here,” he says. He pauses for a moment. “If you don’t feel safe then I could walk to you locker bay.”

I nod my head and get up. Because I’m still shaky I trip over nothing. Jake catches me with my head on his chest. At any other moment in my life I would’ve extracted myself from his arms and made my apologies before running away. Now, however, my brain is too foggy for me to work as it should. I don’t even realise that he doesn’t push me away as I would’ve thought him to.

We walk together towards the year 9 locker bays. Before we turn the corner, I stop violently. I turn around to face him.

“We can’t be seen together,” I say urgently.

“Why not? Are we the Montague and the Capulet, forbidden to meet?”

“I have a boyfriend and…I don’t know…I just know what my year level will think…” He held his hand up to silence me.

“It’s okay, I understand.” I can’t help thinking that he sounds disappointed.

“Thank you,” I whisper. Tears are no longer falling from my eyes, but my face feels sticky. Fortunately the girl’s bathrooms are close to my locker so I run in there first. My face is red, so I wash it with some water. I instantly feel fresher and more ready to cope in class.

I collect my books and walk through the door, keeping my head held high. I sit away from everyone. If they ask why then I’ll just say that I can’t see the board from where they are.

All through the lesson I have a headache, stopping me from doing any work. The bell finally goes off, allowing me to swiftly exit the room and snatch my bag from my locker before running to the bus area. I sit down on a  bench and plug my ear buds in. I turn the music up as loud as it will go and start browsing through my songs. I don’t want anyone to think that I’m lonely at the moment.

The bus ride home is easy since no one talks to me anyway. I just stare dumbly out of the window like I normally do.

When I get home I go straight to my room and close the window and curtains and the door. I dive under the blankets and let myself fall dead to the world.