When My Life Changed

Chapter Eleven

I do as Jake told me. I keep my mouth shut and focus on my work. It does help…slightly. I can’t help thinking that the whole class is whispering about me though. I’m sure it’s all just a joke between the guys and the girls think me a fool for saying yes when it was only a dare.

At lunch I ask the coordinators for a room for me to sit by myself. They ask me what’s wrong and I say that I just need some quiet time. They leave me alone after that. I sit in the corner of the room on the floor, staring into nothingness. Only when the bell goes do I stir.

The last lesson is the hardest for the day, since I’m already so tired. I have humanities; my second least favourite subject. We are handed an assignment that we can work on with a partner or by ourselves. I decide to work on it by myself. As soon as I see the success criteria I regret not having any friends to work with. Not only is this a large, and I mean LARGE assignment, but it’s due in one week’s time.

How on earth am I going to get this done?

Head down, focus on your studies, I hear in my mind. For once I don’t go on Wattpad and read people’s stories, I dig into my work. I’m surprised to find that by the end of the lesson, I’ve already completed a third of the assignment. I have to stop myself from smiling smugly when I hear some of the others complain that they couldn’t find any information at all.

I want to show off and tell them that they should’ve typed in a different key word in Google, but I hold my tongue. Even if they don’t understand why, I’m going to give everyone the silent treatment. Let them think what they will. I might get given the name bitch, but I don’t care.

I go home and sit on my bed, patting my cat. He purrs softly as I tickle his ear. For a brief moment I allow myself to think about Jake. He’s been so good to me and I hardly even know him. How did he manage it? I could hardly even be nice to my own friends, yet alone a complete stranger.

When I think about him a small smile plays at my lips. He is good-looking, but he’s also really nice. He’s the kind of guy that deserves someone nice. Someone that doesn’t have problems. He’s just a friend, and he makes me feel so good, but I can’t see him anymore. He’s too perfect and I’m…not.

With a leaden heart I resolve to stop all connections with him. I’m a disease that causes rot in people. I’ve already broken up two friendship groups. I can’t do that to him. It would be better for him if I didn’t talk to him.

…

I take a sleeping tablet to go to sleep. My decision has left me crippled to the core, unable to speak or think. I wouldn’t get to sleep naturally the way I am within a month of Sundays.

My sleep is dreamless, except for one thought. Even while I’m asleep I’m thinking about how I’m not going to talk to Jake anymore.

When I wake up in the morning my pillow is wet. I trudge to the bathroom and rub my tear-streaked face with a towel, attempting to get rid of all evidence of my emotional state. All of my movements to get ready for school are slow. I miss out on eating breakfast because I’ve no time left in which to eat.

The bus ride to school is spent in agony. It’s going far too fast for my liking, but also far too slow. I want to be anywhere but school. Anywhere but near him. I keep repeating to myself that I’m doing it for the best, that he’s more important than me, but still I can’t get the feeling out of my stomach that I’m betraying him.

My first class is torture. No one talks to me. I don’t know what exactly I’m doing but I feel too depressed to be bothered asking the teacher for help. Francis and Madallin have sat away from me. I can’t work out what I did wrong.

At recess I get my book out of my locker and sit in the corridor. If any of the teachers find me I’ll get kicked out, but I don’t care. The corridor’s the only place that’s quiet. Part of me is itching to go outside, to see Jake’s face again, but with a leaden heart I crush the thought. It would only make his life worse if I saw him again. And I can’t do that. 

I sigh when the bell rings to send us back to class. There goes the end of my quiet time.