But I Loved Him...

Chapter 5

                  I had barely even gotten through the door when I felt my phone buzz. I reached into my bag and saw Chloe’s name illuminating the screen. I knew that I’d pay for it later, but for now I didn’t want to analyze everything that had happened tonight, I just wanted to be caught up in how it ended. The kiss had been simple yet perfect. Short yet it held a form of passion in it that was undeniable. It was the type of kiss I’d been dreaming about sharing with a guy as perfect as Matt. It was a kiss I couldn’t wait to have again. Sighing dreamily, I got into bed and fell asleep quickly.

I stood there staring at the boy who I once told all my secrets too. The boy who I used to make mud pies with, and talk about the disgusting thought of cooties. Yet now here he was, grown into a young man, staring at me with an undistinguishable look.

“It would’ve been impossible to be talking 2500 km away from the girl I’m in love with, and know that she is out with other boys. At least without talking to you, I could pretend you where in love with me too.”

And once again I was forced to watch him get into his car and drive away, only this time he shot me a look of hurt, as well as something that closely resembled hate. I stood there, motionless, speechless. I looked around me, expecting to find Matt, yet I was alone. Everyone who had been around had disappeared, leaving me to face the words I had just heard. The girl I’m in love with. I could pretend you where in love with me too. Love. In love. In love with me too. My head just wasn’t able to put these words together when hearing them directed at me from Jack. How could he expect me to be in love with him when I haven’t seen him for so long? How could he possibly talk himself into believing that he was in love with me? I reached into my bag to call Chloe, she was always able to help me sort through my thoughts. Yet like everything else, it was gone. I began to panic. I could not stand here alone with my thoughts and the memory of Jacks face to accompany me. I shouted out, hoping someone would hear me and reassure me that others still existed. After a few moments of searching, a shadow emerged from around the building. My heart leaped as I made out Matt’s features from the darkness. The smile that had quickly leaped onto my face was a sure sign of my happiness. But as quickly as it came, it vanished. Matt looked at me dismissively, as though I was not a care in the world. I shrunk back a bit, missing the usual playful smirk I had grown accustomed too.

“I’m done with your lies, just be honest to me. Is there something going on between you two?” He asked, his eyes darkening.

“I didn’t lie to you Matt, he’s just a confused friend who I haven’t seen in years. No other feelings I swear!”

“I find that hard to believe. Until you figure it out I’m done. I’m not chasing after some girl who doesn’t even know what she’s feeling.”

“I do know what I’m feeling. But none of them are directed at Jack, can’t you see that?”

“I think I see things better than you do.” And with that he turned around and left. Once again leaving me alone with my thoughts.

I awoke with a start, my heart pounding, causing an aching feeling in my chest. It took me a few minutes to realize through my drowsy state that it had all been a dream, and that Matt hadn’t truly ended what was going on with us. Unfortunately for me, I had always been a firm believer that dreams send out significant messages to help you deal with your problems. But the only message I was able to think of was one that I did not want to believe. No way was I in love with Jack. Nor did I hold any such feelings for him that could lead to them. He was Jack. Simple as that. I didn’t need a message from a dream to help me decipher the difference between the feelings I held for Matt, compared to the ones that I felt when I saw Jack. At least, I was pretty sure there was a difference, there had to be. I was only feeling weird because I had to fix things with Jack. I couldn’t have him hating me, now that he was back. I wanted us to be friends again, I wanted that young awkward boy who always made me laugh. I reached for my phone and found the number he had called me from earlier. Not even taking notice to the time, I hit send and waited for the ringing. It only took a few moments till an automatic recording of a female filled the silence.

“I’m sorry. The number you have dialed is temporarily out of service. Please try again later.”

I stared at the screen before hitting end, not enjoying the uneasy feeling that had intensified in the pit of my stomach. I shouldn’t be feeling this extent of hurt towards a boy I haven’t seen for years if everything was as simple as I had believed. I quickly regretted falling asleep and having the dream that just messed everything up.