The Mistake I've Made

Note #2

Dear Patrick,

I went to see the kids. They seemed happy to see me, and anyone with eyes could see that I was ecstatic to see them. Bronx needs a haircut, his moptop is going to blind him one of these days. Saint, oh my god, he painted Joe's nails and tried to put eyeliner on him. Sooner or later he's gonna end up like me when I first met you. Hopefully that won't happen. And little Declan, well damn, I almost couldn't look at him because... because he's a spitting image of you and I just, it was painful. I mean, he's only a toddler, he doesn't know what's going on just yet and as he smiled at me when I picked him up all I could see was you. He's beautiful, just like his dad. I almost wish we actually did run into each other, you and I, but at the same time I'm glad we didn't. I don't know what I would've said to you or what I would've done. Knowing me, I probably would've tried to kiss you, maybe say something pathetic and desperate in hopes you'd just say hello to me at least, maybe give me one of your famous smiles so I can lock it away in my mind for later. But I don't deserve any of that, especially from you.

Bronx had asked me something that struck me right in the heart today. He said, 'when can we come home?'. And I didn't know how to answer, I didn't have an exact answer because I didn't know either. As much as the boys love their uncles they want to be home. With us, their parents. They're too young to have to go through this. I don't want to have to only see them occasionally, I want to wake up and see them all watching cartoons in the mornings or playing with their toys and playing video games. I want it to be the way it was before I drove you away. Please, Patrick, you have no idea how much I love you, how much I care about you, how much I need you.

I hope you and the kids can forgive me for what I've done to our family. It's my fault they have to see us this way, estranged and not speaking a single word to each other. This is all because of me. I regret everything I've done to you, to us. I'll probably excessively say sorry because I will never stop being sorry.

I'm so sorry, baby. Forgive me.

-Pete