Baby Lips

Chapter 36

Before me was nothing but dim lights, a stage, and empty seats. I was alone. I was in a place I believed was my own personal safe haven. But at the moment I had never felt more vulnerable or frightened as I was just then. I took a deep breath so my chest was high and I could at least look like I could do anything. Even if I was feeling quite useless.

Tomorrow was the day of the show (being featured for a matinee showing and an evening showing) and our last rehearsal ended thirty minutes ago. I stayed behind because I still felt incomplete. I was still blanking on some of the steps just before it was my time to dance. I remembered them just before, but this feeling was so new. I was always sure of what came next when it came to ballet. Hell, it was the one thing I knew I could control. But lately it had just slipped through my fingers like tiny grains of sand.

I exhaled and began my final routine of the show; my favorite routine and also the most difficult. I started it with ease and felt a small smile grow on my lips when my nervous stomach seemed to melt away and I skipped onto the next steps. One thing I knew that would always be the same about dancing and performing: it made me happy. So very happy and proud and beautiful.

I came out of a spin and was nearing the end of the dance when I heard someone clear their throat. I huffed and looked toward the source of the noise and saw Maddie tugging on the red velvet curtain from the side of the stage. She smiled. “You look lovely.”

I looked down at my feet and bit back a grin. “Thanks.” I nodded when I looked back up at her. She was walking toward me and her chunky Dr. Martin boots scuffed against the stage. If Bonnie were here she would have a cow.

“Do you want to go get a coffee or something?” I thought about it for a moment. I wanted to practice more because even if I did the same damn routine for all eternity I still would think I did something wrong. Maybe this was Maddie’s way of telling me to just go home and rest and stop thinking too fast.

I nodded again. “Yeah, yeah I do. I probably won’t be getting much sleep anyway.” I shrugged and started walking off stage with Maddie in tow. She giggled and reached to wrap her arm under mine and hug me closer to her.

“We can always get you decaf.” She squeezed my arm tight. “So how are you feeling? The big day is tomorrow!” She wiggled her eyebrows at me and shimmied her bony shoulders.

“Well,” I began when we neared the dressing room. Maddie dropped my arm to open the door for me. And who said chivalry was dead? “Quite honestly, I’m terrified.” Maddie pursed her lips and her head jolted back. She was just as surprised as I was with this nervous, anxious, gut busting, foreign feeling.

“What?” She blurted out.

“I don’t know...” I trailed off and plopped on a bench next to my bag. “It’s like I have this pit in my stomach that doesn’t seem to go away unless, well, unless I’m sleeping, if I even manage to fall asleep. And it goes away when I’m actually dancing, but before it’s like I’m... I’m...”

“Lost?” She offered. 

“Yeah, lost.” I slumped over with my elbows on my knees. Maddie quickly came to my side and rubbed her cold hands on my back. I normally would say something about her always freezing fingers, but her comfort was much needed right now. “It’s just so strange. I’m never nervous. Ever! Like, I can think of about two times in my life I’ve been nervous for a show and it hasn’t ever been as bad as this.” I grimaced at the knots currently in my stomach and shook my head before leaning it on Maddie’s shoulder. She shushed me and wrapped her arms around me and I hugged her even closer. I closed my eyes tight; fearing that if I thought about this too much I’d cry.