impact

anthony.

there are a lot of things i will never forget about my time with anthony amador.
i'll never forget how right it felt, spending almost every hour of every day, talking to him about everything under the stars and outside of them. i'll never forget the tingles i got in my shoulders when he told me he loved me for the first time. i'll never forget the pounding in my head and in my chest and in my fists when he told me those same words for the last time. i'll never forget is eyes so brown that i swore they were black. i'll never forget his irritatingly formal way of typing. perfect grammar, punctuation, big words, the whole nine yards. he intimidated me. maybe thats why i was so vulnerable. anthony was my world at one point. he made me feel a little bit less dead. he brought the color back to my cheeks and he made my heart rate accelerate to unhealthy levels. he made me feel special. he made me feel like nothing could hurt me, until he did himself. i'll never forget how badly it hurt, and it fucking hurt. it was the kind of pain that stopped hurting after a while. you just become numb. sunsets are no longer beautiful, theyre terrifying. a start of a new day. a new day full of more of that pain that eventually turned to numbness. losing him was like squeezing an ice cube as tight as you can in one hand. it hurt like hell, until your hand loses feeling and the ice turns to water and drips from your grasp. anthony was my first love. he knew me, inside and out. he could play me like a video game and he knew all the cheats to make me glitch so that he could win. and he did. he won. he's happy now, he doesnt look back. i shouldnt look back, but i do. he taught me love. he taught me what it really is. i used to think that love was beautiful poetry and laughing so hard that you couldn't help but cry and kissing in the rain and looking into someones eyes with nothing but adoration, but i was wrong. love isn't that. love isn't endless happiness and smiles and kisses and pure perfection. love is not sleeping and biting your nails until they bleed because you know that he isnt okay and when he isnt okay he makes awful decisions and theres nothing you can do from 2,338 miles away. love is waking up from a nightmare at 3 am and thinking of him to calm yourself until you fall asleep again. love is doing every little fucking thing that you can to make him smile because you know that if he frowns one time under your watch you will collapse like a house of cards. love is endless tears and aching in your chest and longing for that persons presence when you dont have it. love is pain. he ruined that for me. i dont want to fall in love. i really do not want to fall in love.