April 29, 2013
So my friend who left her name is going to be Z. Well she turned 16 today. But unfortunately I had bad news for her.
Over the weekend my parents and I fought. They called me several names that hurt me. Made me lose the little bit of confidence I have acquired. I lost it. Last night I slipped. It is worse than I have ever done before but only because I use scissors there are six of them. One for each name each mean hurtful name. I tried to hide it from my best friend my sister my other half. I told her I didn't that nothing was wrong that I didn't do it. She heard me and Z talking though. Needless to say she was very upset. She cried I cried. Now she won't answer my texts or my tweets I feel like I may have lost her. My one true friend I have lost...
Z told me I needed to tell "Tyler". I was scared I choked up when I tried to tell him. So she helped me. She told him for me. He seemed upset but at the same time almost as if he didn't care? He told me would talk about it later. Yet he still hasn't replied to my texts I hope it's only because of a track meet or something because well if he abandoned me after what happened I might just scream. After 8th hour he came to my locker and gave me a kiss. He legitimately kissed me. Like full on kiss. :* Made my day. I had a huge smile on my face. I told him he made me smile and he was like I bet I do. And tomorrow I have to bring him candy. I am not quite sure on that though. Cause that's food...and that's my mother fucking food! Sorry I'm a fat kid. (: lmao
So I believe my mom at least feels bad for this weekend because she drove me to school today and then she's been nice to me since I've been home. I'm bot sure if I should trust her again I really want to tel her how me and "Tyler" kissed but I know she doesn't like him so I can't. But I will keep my attitude in place I won't back talk or be rude. I can't afford it. I need to get on Facebook tonight. And possibly twitter. But I doubt she'll let me on twitter since she doesn't really know about it. But hey it's all worth a shot.
"Tyler" texted me. We kind of talked about it I asked him if he was mad and he asked why and I said because of what Z told you at lunch because Kay is mad at me and so I didn't know if you would be.
Him: oh why did you do that
Me: Um well me and my parents were fighting and they said some things that really really hurt me. And I kinda just lost it..
Him: what was it?
Me: Well they kinda said that I was worthless and I'm never goingto go anywhere in life and just a bunch of stuff like that.
Him: That's not a reason too to that its fucked up and just tell them that you'll turn out way better then them
Me: I realize that now. I made my best friend cry. And that's kinda what it took. Plus it kinda hurts more after the fact then it does when I'm doing it.
Him: yeah no shit dont do that
Me: okay I won't I promise
Him: okay good.
I understand that maybe he cares and maybe he does live me but sometimes it doesn't seem like it. Sometimes it really does seem like he only wants sex...I'm glad that he's there for me but sometimes it just hurts. I feel like if I accidentally do it again he will leave me forever and I dont know how I'll be able to handle that.. He is one of the only things that make me smile nowadays the only thing that gives me a reason to believe a reason to live a reason to have hope.
I think I've bored or bothered you enough. I'm sorry.
Love,
Kay
