Nowhere In Particular // H.S.

Forty-Four: "That's The Way"

He asks if I'm okay but I don't answer him. He asks if I'm okay again, but that only makes my silence feel more right.

Harry's just told me something that means a lot, and no matter how angry and disappointed I am it isn't possible to deny that, but I'm not sure it's enough to make this better. This is exactly the thing I've wanted to hear from him, basically since I met him, but it doesn't feel like this easy, clear cut thought anymore.

It feels right to have him here, to have sitting next to me... I still feel that overwhelmingly huge love for him in my heart. But there's something yelling in my head that it can't be this simple, that he can't just waltz his way back after two and a half weeks of pushing me away and think I'll be okay. I might feel like home, but I'm not positive there's still space for him.

"Greta?" he says my name with a nervous hesitation, his shaky hand resting on my shoulder. "Please say something... just something," his voice is almost at a whisper, clearly not expecting anything good to come out if I do decide to speak.

"I'm not okay," my voice is strong, filled with anger and almost to the point of a yell. "I'm not okay," I repeat the line, this time shaking my head. "You can't just tell me that you don't love me after months of doing and saying the opposite, then show up here and say I feel like home... it doesn't work like that."

"I-," he tries to fit something in, tries to spew out some charming words that aren't going to make this better, but I don't let him.

"I'm not going to let you do that to me," I shake my head more, unable to move my eyes to his face to see any of his reaction. I'm too worked up for that. "I don't know what I'm supposed to believe at this point. I-, you're... God, why did you have to make this so hard?"

With this question I move my gaze to look at him, anger still fuming through me but quickly turning into something different... the frustration making me feel like I'm going to choke if I try to speak again. This hurts as bad as it does only because I care so much. I had it in my head that Harry couldn't hurt me like this, but he's really the only capable of making my heart ache as much as it does right now.

He knows this too, I can tell by the look on his face as he stares back at me. But I can also tell he's in pieces because of this, not smug or intentionally cruel.

"Greta," he tries again, his voice shaky with my name. "There was never a moment I didn't love you. I don't think I ever will not love you."

I want to believe him because it's a nice thought, to think that he's always loved me and always will. But that would erase what's really happened, or what I perceive of it at least. I want to believe Harry but if this wasn't true, it wouldn't be the first time he's lied to me and that's a scary thought.

Instead of letting myself sulk in these thoughts, instead of telling him I love him because I really do... I let my mind keep moving forward.

"Harry," I turn to him with tears brimming in my eyes. "How did we get to this?"

"What do you mean?" he asks with confusion, moving his hand from my shoulder and scrunching his eyebrows together.

"I'm not supposed to feel this confused about you," I admit to him, blinking quickly and trying not to cry. "You made everything easier, better... but now we're here and I can't stop thinking about that night and how much it hurt to have you push me out like that, and it doesn't feel easy anymore."

As I say this, still fighting back tears, I can see my words slowly crushing Harry... slowly stabbing into his heart and hurting him in all the places that matter. He doesn't look too far off from me, like he's about to turn into the same blubbering mess I'm teetering on. I can try to be as strong as I possibly can, but crying is still in my nature... and I don't think that makes me any less strong when it comes down to it. This hurts and there's no point in denying that.