Damage

Chapter 37

Someone asked me to do this for each chapter so, here are the songs I listened to while writing this. I mean obviously, this chapter took me like 4 hours so I listened to a lot more, but these really got me in the //mood//  lmao

Tell Me What To Swallow - Crystal Castles

Cola - Toro y Moi

Colors - Halsey (YAAASSSS)

***

When I see Luke across the ballroom he looks like a marble statue. During conversation with the other people at this event, Luke is business-like, casual. But underneath it all, there's something about him, something palpable that makes him seem distant and cold to everyone, so hard around the edges.

I remember when I barely knew him and he seemed so callous - cold-blooded, heartless. That jaded apathy is still there, but somehow, it seems like underneath it all there could be a soft, golden center. I've seen it only in tiny fragments - when I'm in his arms, when we were sitting by the lake with figs between us, when I was teaching him to make pancakes.

But I don't understand how to make it come out more. I don't even belong in his world to begin with, I don't know if I'll even be around long enough to see it happen.

When I sit down next him, the whispers of other people are still there but I try to ignore them. I want to forget this whole night, I want to go home.

"Would you like some champagne, Miss?"

I turn around and debate it for a second. I can see another man and his date approaching this table, probably wanting to talk to Luke. Maybe the reason I'm crashing and burning tonight is because I'm too anxious. Everyone here is drinking something, and without thinking, I nod and take the elegant flute of champagne.

Luke isn't even looking, he's standing up and adjusting his thousand-dollar cufflinks.

Even though I never drink, I want so desperately to feel at ease. It's just champagne. I can't let my past define me, stop me from experiencing things.

So I dive in headfirst and swallow down the whole glass before asking for another flute. Although the bubbles dance on the tip of my tongue, it's not as sweet as I thought and hoped it would be. But the taste isn't the point. The point is to relax.

Luke looks back at me as I set the glass down, raising his eyebrows. He extends his hand, silently mouthing "Just one more conversation."

I nod, wondering what my purpose is tonight, but I push it out of my mind. Or maybe the champagne does.

I drink half of the second flute before standing up, not really feeling anything and wondering when it'll kick in.

"Are you okay?"

I smile, trying not to let it falter. "Yeah, I'm fine." Definitely wasn't just crying in the bathroom.

"One more, and then we leave," he says, his voice distant, walking forward with me.

"One more."

***

I see Luke's driver pull up to the sidewalk through the glass and my whole head feels like it's full of bubbles.

One more conversation turned into two and the champagne made me not mind it so much. The first conversation wasn't as difficult as the rest, but still awkward. The second though, I did feel more at ease, more willing to laugh, giggly even.

Now that it's just Luke and I, though, the giddy, still slightly awkward, happiness has worn off. I feel just as confused and strange as before - melancholy, even.