Alex & Me

Alex & Me Ch. 9

Just a warning...this one's a bit longer than the previous ones...Enjoy!

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Alex & Me

Chapter 9

I ended up at my house. It was dark indicating that no one was home. I vaguely remembered mom saying something about going out to an office party. Right now I was grateful for that. I couldn't imagine what lie I would have needed to make up to explain why I was in my current state. I didn't have the energy to do that anymore.

I opened the door with my set of keys and then shut it behind me. I went up to my room. I didn't bother changing, just pulled my blanket over me and curled up on the bed staring out the window.

While I'd been running my mind had been out of control. It was like a tape stuck on repeat. It kept on playing the kiss again and again and again. Each time it did my heart would pound so painfully against my ribs, it became hard to breathe. I must have looked like a mad woman, running through the streets crying hysterically.

The pain made me see how completely idiotic and stupid and oblivious I'd been before.

I didn't just have a crush on Alex, I was in love with him.

How could I not be ? He was perfect and wonderful. His twinkling eyes and that perfect smile touched my heart. His caring nature just made me fall deeper. And I'd fallen so hard that I couldn't fathom any way out of it now.

My tears didn't stop and neither did my mind. Why hadn't I felt this way before ? Why now ?

I couldn't understand anything. I knew he'd dated before. And he had to have kissed the other girls too. Maybe it was seeing him actually kiss someone else that finally made it clear to me that I couldn't have him. I realised that I'd not been hiding my feelings from others but myself too. I was so completely in denial that I'd managed to fool myself.

And it had cost me. The onslaught of the pain I was feeling right now was unimaginable. I didn't think I could ever feel that. Atleast not of this magnitude.

The thought of his arms around someone else was like a knife through my heart. Just imagining the sound of the amazing laugh he laughed and picturing his true smile brought fresh tears to my eyes. Because they would be directed at someone else. Someone he would be - or maybe already was - in lov-

I couldn't complete that thought. Could not handle that possibility. At least not right now. Maybe with time I could.

No. I would.

He wouldn't understand if I just started avoiding him without giving him any excuse. He would feel hurt. And that I could not bare. He didn't deserve that.

Life isn't fair. Or maybe it is. Maybe this was what I had to pay because I'd had a great life with the most loving parents and the most amazing friends. I couldn't have it all. Everyone had to make sacrifices. This would be mine.

And so I'd have to suck it up and go on about like everyrthing was fine when it was so entirely wrong. And I'd have to be more convincing with my act.

At least I didn't have to act now.

At least there was that.

***

I didn't realise when I drifted off last night but when I woke up I didn't feel any better. Sleeping on it had made me accept the truth. Somewhat.