In Response

Untitled Part 1

Amber's point of view

I can still remember the first day I met you clearly. We were in fourth grade and our last names were nowhere near each other but we ended up sitting right next to each other. I can remember going to your house later in November for your birthday party. And how every year after that, we had a tradition for your party. I would always spend the night and we'd go to Sweet Tomato and then to Old Navy to dress up and buy gross matching shirts. Looking back on the pictures, I don't know what we were thinking with that one shirt with the blue hearts, I still have those shirts. I remember going to your place for all the holidays like Labor day and memorial day weekend. The bbq's your dad would make and the amazing ice cream your mom always had ready. I miss those more than anything especially last year. Where did that all go? Was it high school that changed that? Was it our schedules? Was it the other people we dated to keep ourselves distracted? Who knows? I always found the strangest how we'd sleep on the other sides of the bed and in the morning we'd always be tangled. That never happened with anyone else before. I remember being in elementary school and I was very confused. I didn't know what I was or that it was okay to like other genders. My parents still ask about you every now and then and I always tell them that you're doing okay. My mom asked me a few weeks ago about how band was doing and I had to come up with something. I laid in my bed holding those shirts I kept.

I want to be with you so bad that I kept dating and dating and dating hoping that someone would fill that hole in my chest but nobody ever did. I suppose he did for a little bit but after a while things started to get rougher and rougher. I ended things with him a few weeks back, almost a month ago. He now glares at me in math class and tries to hold crappy conversations about the weather. He was the closest I could come to you without actually having you. His favorite color was green and he loved music so much. He always wore warm clothes and gave amazing hugs. His lips were almost as soft as I imagine yours to be. His smile was huge around me just like yours always was. But his eyes were what brought me back. Nothing in this world could compare to your eyes and how they are always filled with mystery and longing for something. I don't know if I'll ever get the chance to figure out what that longing is or what it's for, but it's been there as long as I can remember. And trust me that goes back a long time.

I'm come to many conclusions about myself. My style is more modern but modest when it comes to clothing. I do still have a few pink shirts but I hardly wear those. I still love my converse and wouldn't give them up for a pair of new ones. I'm for sure bi and when it comes to what I like I consider myself equal. I have been doing super well in school and I work exceedingly hard in all of my classes. I am finally starting to see a future for myself after all these years of hopelessness. I, however, do not have a career choice. I want to do something with fashion and/or video production but that's as far as I know. On the contrary to you, I've been reading nonstop. I block everything out as much as I can. My parents have decided to finally call it quits and it would be humble to say that my world is now a war zone. My depression has seemed to go back to more at nights but my anxiety is at it's all time worst, meanwhile my e.d has calmed down a whole lot at the moment. I want to dye my hair some outrageous color and see what happens with it. I need some kind of a major change in my life. It always seems to consistent and I still need change. I could've had my license a year ago but I am lazy and still haven't found my motivation for it. Loads more has changed about me, but there's the general idea of it in case you've come this far.

I am sorry about drunk calling you. It wasn't right of me to do that. I should've know that you were living your life and you weren't still worrying about me or going on about me. I shouldn't have called you but my judgement still isn't the best and that night I saw someone who looked just like you but it wasn't and I needed you at that movement. It was wrong and selfish and I promised myself I wouldnt ever do it again. I said I love you and to this day, I still mean those three words. I have always meant them. I'm going to steal a line from your end but I've known you since 4th grade and dropping you out of my life isn't something that I want. It never was and it never will be. Maybe we can meet up somewhere when your time permits it or when we both feel ready. I want to do so much with you. I want to kiss you and I want to see the world how you see it. I miss you. We were nothing but good for each other but somewhere something happened and we stumbled and fell and just never got up. Maybe this is us getting up and brushing ourselves off.