In Response

October 2017

There are days when I still think of you. Actually there's a lot of days. You still do your number on me, even if I don't say so or you don't realize it. I still think about every Labor day weekend and I still crave your mom's homemade vanilla ice cream. There are some nights where I crave your body. Not in a sexual way, it's still not about sex with me. No, I crave your body in the way that we would lay under the sheets. Or sometimes I crave how we would lean up against that couch in the loft under the blanket and watch cartoons. Some nights I crave your lips. We didn't ever kiss and I'm reminded of that far too often for my own good. I crave how they might feel and I can only dream of them, something else I do far too often. We did try to hang out a few times over the past year and that did do me good. It brought up so many good memories because there really are so few bad ones with you, next to none really. Though the few times that we have hung out we didn't ever touch each other. It almost felt like you just wanted to be held as badly as I did but then again maybe not. Maybe you were just trying to remember the good times too. Who knows? But I want it on record that I still haven't fallen asleep next to anyone and have had my body tangled with theirs like ours used to. I want it on record that I haven't had a good nights rest since the last time I laid in yours for those two hours that one night after dinner our sophomore year. I also want it on record that my mom still asks about you and I still don't know what to say to her when she does.

So much has happened. I don't even know where to begin. All I know is that I'm going insane with everything right now and I'm on the verge of so many bad choices again and I feel like that's why I've started to write again. There are so many things I still can't say out loud and you've been flowing so freely through my mind and it makes me so sad. Sometimes I feel like time has gone by so fast, it has. It really has. But other times it feels like it was yesterday we were just chilling in the coffee shop reading horoscopes and the anatomy of our signs. I remember that college is such a short time away and that sucks a lot. I don't see a future for myself and I was lying when I said I did. I don't know what's going to happen next and I've lost track of myself again.

There have been so many nights where I've wanted to call you. Not even drunk, but just to talk. Granted I have gone back to going out but mainly because the inside of my head won't stop spinning in large, fast circles. There have been so many nights where it's been freezing cold outside and I just go to that park separating us and I'll just lay there. Some nights I've even just sat outside that half circle by that path by your house and blasted some old songs we'd listen to. Though nobody ever noticed.

And I know it's wrong of me to put this out there. We're both dating people, or at least I am. (was) I'm not too sure about you right now because I haven't seen a whole lot of that guy you've been seeing anyways. I just need to get out of my own head and that's why I'm writing again. I'm writing not just about you, but about everything, or at least I'm trying to. Sometimes I read what you wrote and wonder if you really didn't want me out of your life. Sometimes I wonder why we are out of each other's lives. Sometimes I feel like there wasn't really a reason, not one that I can remember anyways, other than the fact of "distance". I keep seeing your tumblr posts because I just stalk it instead of following it like the pussy that I can be and I keep seeing that you're high and I wonder what that means. I have so many questions regarding how you're doing but I feel too out there and open to ask. It's not in my place anymore to ask and oh god do I want to. Not because I'm curious, but because I still care about you and I want to know what's making you feel like you have to smoke or get high or whatever. I just want you to feel like you have someone that you can always count on even if we don't talk to each other and I know you feel like you don't or you have to have someone that will text you back in order to rant but I'm always here. I always have been and I want to be there again for you fuck so fucking bad. And if you are getting high, can we get high together? And I don't even know why I'm still bothering on this story because I don't even think you log onto this anymore so it's like I'm talking to yet another brick wall instead of trying to punch it and that's another thing that sucks.

I wrote the first bits of this back in like April of 2017 and I think about that a lot as well. It's been 67 days, probably longer by the time I edit and post this, since we last hung out. Yes, we had our snapchat interactions and our instagram posts, but that's not the same. And now that it's college time, it's all different anyways. It's all about when breaks are and when they aren't and there's so many people out there. But for me, it keeps coming back to you. I keep kicking myself for being sick that one night. Oh god I wanted that night to be so much more than it was. Don't get me wrong, I loved watching that movie with you, but I wanted to hold you and to make sure I was actually with you. I kept seeing that blanket on your snapchat. The tweety bird one. And all I could think about was how we used to lay on it in the loft of your old house. Sometimes I swear I can hear your laugh in the background of all the noise in my head. The smell of the cake batter masks we would put on our faces trying to solve all of our problems.

It's going to take me forever to publish this because I'm so beyond terrified. I know you don't check this site anymore. I know that there isn't a purpose in me writing in this book anymore. I know that you're not going to write me back even if you do, by some odd chance, see this. You're onto bigger and better things by now and I'm so incredibly proud of you. I wanted you to also know that I kept that picture of us in 8th grade on purpose. For so many reasons. I've always had it in the bathroom, a place where I get ready. It reminded me of how simple we were and how complex we've gotten. But I've recently changed it to my desk because I've found myself there more than in the bathroom. I kept it because it serves as a good memory. Fuck that dance sucked. I mean every aspect of it, but us going together made it so much better. You looked so good that night and I remember you being excited for it, which made me so happy. You wanted to go out and do something and that was huge for you. We weren't technically out then, but we could still be with each other and that's all that mattered to me, especially when I couldn't see a tomorrow. Sometimes I still can't and that's when I look at that picture. I remind myself that I've come so far since then and I've done so much since then. We've both come so far and I'm so proud of both of us for getting this far. I mean I remember when we would say how we couldn't make it past any of this and yet we did. I know we didn't always do it together, but we did it anyways and that's what matters. And we're going to keep on going, no matter what.

I saw your instagram post and I was wondering what your reason is for being alive. Now, I don't mean that in a bad way, but I wanna know. What kept you alive? What do you think your purpose is? I have so many questions for you and I know I won't ask them because we're not how we used to be but fuck do I want us to be like that again. I want us to be able to be semi-drunk under the sheets, giggling, holding each other and feeling content. I want us to be sober under the sheets and happy and being able to feel each other's heartbeats. I know we probably won't meet up in December like we said we would but fuck do I want to. I want to make it up to you. I want you to meet who I truly am while I'm still here. I'm reinventing myself and I want you to be a part of that so badly. Idk if you'll even respond to this, I hope you do, but I also understand if you don't.