My Life With Depression

School

I hate school. I hate everything about it. It's the one place where I truly don't belong.

The thing is, when I started getting depression, I completely hid it.

I forced a smile on my face and pretended that nothing was changing.

That I wasn't becoming sadder as the the days went by.

That it wasn't getting harder to wake up in the mornings.

That it wasn't getting harder to simply live.

I just pretended. I have been pretending for the past two years. This coming winter will make it my third year.

My friends at school don't have a clue on what is going on in my head. It makes me feel so guilty every time I talk to them. They tell me everything and they barely know anything about me. All they know consists of a fake personality.

They know the old, happier version of me.

The outgoing one.

The lost one.

The one without depression.

No one knows the new Bree Parker.

The one who wears jackets on the hottest of days, just to hide her scars.

The one who forces herself to throw up her food after every meal in the bathroom.

The one who cries herself to sleep every night, wishing that she wouldn't wake up the next morning.

There are two people who know about me. One of them was Lee. He was my best friend. We grew up together and I trusted him with everything. Including the fact that I had depression. When I showed him my scars, he pulled up his sleeves and revealed identical ones on his wrists.

We fought together. Then, he left me. A week after his birthday on August 24, Lee committed suicide. At first I was so mad at him for leaving me to fight alone and for the fact that he left without saying goodbye. All I got was a fucking note. Now, I am glad that the pain ended, that he spent his last few minutes of his life in peace.

The other person is Cara. She has been with me and my depression every step of the way. She was there for me when Lee committed. She talked me out of committing when I told her that I wanted to leave. She didn't leave when she found out how screwed up I was. She is one of the best friends you could ever have and I love her.

There is also a group of people I forgot to mention. My readers. You guys know more about me than my own school friends. Thank you.

A lot of you pretend throughout he day, just like me. You feel like know one will understand you and you set afraid that people will judge you. Let me tell you something. There are people out there who will listen and try to help you. There are people who love you. Talk to them. Life is about taking risks. If you can't think of anyone who loves you or you can open up to, talk to me. I love every single one of you from the bottom of my heart. If you feel like committing, or simply talking, message me on wattpad.

Remember.

You.

Are.

Loved.

Plus, don't forget to smile. You are beautiful.

~ Bree