My Life With Depression

An Eating Disorder?

Guess what? Apparently depression isn't strong enough of a torture, I have an eating disorder too.

"Bulimia: A serious eating disorder marked by binging, followed by methods to avoid weight gain." - Wikipedia.

Those words don't even cover the real definition of bulimia. They are just giving you a look at the surface. You have to go deeper to find the real meaning.

Bulimia or Anorexia is when you have all these voices in your head constantly telling you that you're fat. That you're too heavy for people to like and too ugly for people to love. Whenever you eat, the voices get louder. Screaming. Telling you that you what you will never be. Perfect.

Everyone has an ultimate goal. Normality, kindness, bravery, etc. My goal is to be perfect. To be a perfect daughter, a perfect friend, a perfect student. Just an all-around perfect person.

The hardest part is that perfection is unattainable. No matter how thin you are, how good your grades are, how well you listen to your parents, you can always do better. This is what the voices in my head feed off of. They tell me I'm not good enough and that I will never be good enough.

But that doesn't stop me from trying. When they scream at me to stop eating because I'll become fat, I eat everything in sight. I do it out of defiance and anger to prove the voice wrong. After I finish eating, I feel sick and horrible. So of course, I go to the bathroom and throw it up. It's a horrible cycle and one that I can't seem to break out of.

I hate it so fucking much. It's almost as if my depression and bulimia feed off each other. Oh, you're both trying to kill Bree? Why don't we fucking work together.

It' so fucking stupid. The scary part is that there are so many other people out there who go through the same thing.

If you are out there and are going through something similar. Let me know. I swear that I won't try to play therapist for you. I will just listen and give you the best advice I can. It will probably be shitty and stupid but it helps to know that someone out there is willing to listen. Remember to SMILE! You are beautiful. and I love you. <3

~ Bree