Ditching Greek | editing

34| Is it Enough?

What was I meant to say to a question I couldn't possibly answer myself yet? I hadn't found much of a reason to discard Brandon off to be a villain like Clyde did, but what Monica said rang a lot of truth. If I truly did love Brandon, I wouldn't have done what I had with Clyde. No doubt about it.

Even though that was straightened out in my head, I still didn't know if I was ready to tell anyone--let alone talk about it with Clyde. I had done the worst thing imaginable to a partner, you know, besides murdering them. I was still at the early stages of grappling with my infidelity, taking the baby steps in evaluating my character to do such a thing.

I eased myself up, holding the white duvet close to my body. "You don't have to worry about Brandon walking in and asking for me back."

I wasn't completely lying. If Brandon reappeared into my life and wanted me back--which was doubtful considering the way he disregarded me--I couldn't see us going very far in our relationship. There was clearly mistrust and a whole lot of other things that needed to be fix.

"I'm not worried about him." The duvet fell from covering Clyde's bare shoulders and chest as he rose upright off the bed. "I'm worried about you."

I craned my neck forward. "Me? Why?"

"Don't ask me why as if you've no clue. You know why. Every time anything negative is brought up about him, you don't believe it. His friend, who you supposedly said lived in New York with him, was at your apartment tonight. Right in front of your face, telling you about the master mind plan your so-called sweet boyfriend of yours creates. And still, you don't believe a second of it."

"I've known him for four years Clyde. You can't expect me to just forget all of it at the drop of a hat."

"Well, you sure as heck were fine with being with me at the same time as you were with him."

"That's not fair. You know the connect had to do with it and the cards were dealt on long before I knew the existence of Brandon."

"Of course!" He jumped up. "Now you decided to believe in the story just to help soften the guilt of being a cheater."

He practically burst at his seams. Despite the fact that the room was so dim, I could see a faint change of color on his face. He was fuming and I didn't know why. All I knew was that I needed him to change his tone of voice.

"Okay," I breathed, resting a gentle hand onto his forearm. "First off, calm down. How many times do I have to tell you? Clyde I have no interest in starting up what I had with him."

"You say that now, but how do I know that'll stay true if he walked in tomorrow or the next day--"

"It doesn't matter when he comes." I cut him off. "My answer will stay the same. I'm here with you."

"Yeah..." His hard scold didn't falter. Nothing I said seemed to change how he felt. I wasn't winning in any sense.

"Clyde what do you want me to say?" I nearly shouted, unsure on where to go with this argument any more.

His eyes connected with mine. The smallest sliver of light coming from the moonlight outside hit against his face. "Just answer the question for me. Do you still love him? Because I can completely respect and understand if you're still skeptical on this world of ours you were thrown in. But I can't go another day not knowing for sure on where you stand with him."

"Why does it matter at all?"

"Because dammit, Nabella, it matters to me," he said sternly, balling up both his fists.

I really looked at him this time, wondering if those words had honestly come out of his mouth. There was so much aggression and anger piled up into one response that I didn't know how to handle it. If trying to calm him down was my original goal, then I was failing at it. Miserably.

Veering things away from Brandon would be my best move, I thought. The less talk about the guy he wants to rip apart in shreds, the better.

"You should be more concentrated on working on what we have here and what needs to change between us first."

"What's the point of working on us if you might still be hung up on another guy?" He asked once again another question I had no words for. "Look, Nabella, I'm not trying to make you feel as if I'm pushing you into a corner; a relationship should never feel that way." His gaze on me softens for the first time. Taking the hand I had left on his forearm, he tangled our fingers together as he let out a long set of deep breaths out of him.  "You've said a lot of things, but you haven't given me a reply to if you still love him. That's all I'm asking."

And that was all I was dreading. I was shitty at lying, and I was sure Clyde would easily spot me lying. I simply had to speak up now or forever hold my peace...and possible lose Clyde's trust in the process.

Scooting in a bit closer, I watched him attentively as my opposite hand squeeze hard onto his. "If I said, right now, that I still in love him after everything, that would definitely be a slap in the face to what we've both been through. I can tell you that I don't have feelings for him any more. I haven't for a long time. I still see him as a friend, as expected, but there's nothing romantic I feel for him. Yes, I do love him as an individual--like how I love my sister, Monica, and Hazel. But I'm not in love with him. It's been hard to realize that and process it for a long time now. A real long time." I emphasized. "But I know it would extremely wrong for me to not tell you where I stand with him."  My opposite hand settled onto his shoulder, moving up to his head and combing my fingers through his dark locks. "I hope I've said enough to keep your mind at ease."

I leaned in to peck his cheek, but the moment my lips hit skin, it wasn't on the stubble texture of his cheek. Instead, it was our lips, finding one another in the darkness of his room.

His hand wrapped around my waist, and without warning, I was lifted up into his lap and pressed against his chest.

For a heartbeat, he broke our kiss. "That was more than enough."

I didn't have time to reply to his statement, because right after he said it, he mouth joined with mine.

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