You listen to the rapid, rhythmic squeaking of your tennis shoes on the tile of your bathroom.
Breathe.
You're perched on the edge of the tub, bouncing your leg in anticipation, trying not to go crazy as you wait.
Breathe.
You force yourself not to check the timer. It must be close now, right?
Breathe.
DING
You're sure your heart stops. You can't breathe anymore. You inch forward, shaking.
Test 1: positive.
A little farther,
Test 2: positive.
No no no...
Test 3: positive.
You sink to the ground, curling in on yourself, the tile freezing against your back as you cry silently. How could this happen?
How could you get pregnant again?
.
.
.
"Hey! Now the party can start for real!" Mackie calls behind him to the guys when he opens the door to you. Apparently when Sebastian said 'proper movie night', he meant full-blown party, because there were already half a dozen people present, each seemingly with their own spot staked out on various cushioned surfaces.
Not exactly the setting you were hoping for when you did this.
"Hey! Just in time," Sebastian emerges from the kitchen, "we were just about to get started. You thirsty?" You shake your head, trying to think of the best way to start. "You okay? You look kinda pale, you're not still sick are you?"
You suppose if you don't do it now, you never will, so before you can think,
"Actually, can I talk to you for a second?" You try to make it sound nonchalant, but you still keep your voice low,
"You feelin' sick, girl?" Mackie asks, obviously concerned,
"I'm... I'm fine, it'll only take a second, I promise." Sebastian looks a little worried,
"Kitchen?" He suggests, gesturing for you to lead the way, "Go ahead and get it started, we'll catch up." You hear him tell Mackie before following you.
The kitchen door swings shut behind the two of you, muffling the laughter and conversation in the living room. You know you're shaking, but you can't get a handle on your nerves, you've never been too good at jumping head first into things like this. You flounder for what feels like an eternity, unable to find the right words. Should you just come out wit it? Should you try to ease him in?
"You're really scaring me." Sebastian turns you to look at him, holding onto your shoulders and looking you straight in the eyes, "You're shaking, what's going on?"
"I... This morning..." You take a deep breath. Just tell him. "You know how I've been sick a lot in the last month?"
"Yeah... Wait, did you go to the doctor? Are you okay? Did they find something?"
"No, it's not like that, I'm fine... I'm..." Your voice wavers, you can't catch your breath, "I'm pregnant." It's little more than a whisper, at least that's all you can hear over your pulse roaring in your ears.
He blinks.
Gulps.
"You're what?"
You hear how his breath shortens,
"I'm pregnant."
"But... Am I... I'm not the--"
"The father?" You give him a meaningful look that makes him release your shoulders, raking his fingers through his hair as he takes in a few shaky breaths, steps back and turns his back to you.
"But it was only the one time." He faces you again, looking shaken, "that was what... A month ago now?"
"Believe it or not, Sebastian, that's all it really takes." You mutter sardonically,
"And you're just figuring it out now?" His voice is gradually raising in volume, his accusing tone bristling your limited patience,
"Oh, of course not, I actually found out the day it happened, I just felt like I'd keep it to myself until things were going better with us, and then completely blindside you with it." You know the sass isn't helping, but you can't bring yourself to care anymore. He takes a deep breath, abruptly turning away from you again. From the tension across his back, you know he's trying to calm himself down. After all the instances he's proven his compassion, proven he cares, you can't help but be disappointed in him now.
He finally breaks the silence,
"I can't do this." He says quietly, more fear than conviction in his voice, but your heart plummets just the same, "I don't have time for a family right now, I'm always working, or on the road... I can't do it."
"You're almost acting like I did this on purpose, but I'm not too thrilled about it either!" The silence stretches between you again. So many things you feel you should say, things you could say, but before either of you are able to speak up, you're both called from the living room,
"Come on, guys, you're missing the best parts!" Mackie urges,
"It's literally ten minutes in, man." You're pretty sure that was Evans' voice,
"So the whole movie is the best part, still, they're missing it." Mackie defends.
"You know what..." You begin, "I wasn't even asking you to be a father. I just thought I should let you know what's going on. Maybe that wasn't such a good idea." You brush past him, heading straight to the front door. Maybe if you don't think about it, it will be easier this time.
You make it through the living room as quickly as you can, with a fake apology and a halfhearted excuse to the rest of the group.
Just make it to the hallway.
Just make it to the hallway.
You remember another time, a similar walk, all alone. A door slammed shut behind you. He had reacted the same way Sebastian had. Didn't want anything to do with it.
You think you can hear someone running after you this time, think you hear Sebastian calling you.
You're halfway down the hall.
Someone grabs your arm, spinning you around to look at them,
"Please don't leave like this," Sebastian pleads, you try to wrench your arm out of his grasp. You see Chris appear at the door several paces behind him, he opens his mouth to speak, probably ask what's going on, but quickly closes it sensing the tension in the air. He backs into the apartment, giving the two of you privacy.
"What do you expect me to do? Neither of us wants this."
He grasps for words, wanting so badly to disagree, but he just can't bring himself to. You can't stand the guilt and fear in his eyes any more.
"Don't worry about it. Just forget I said anything." You sigh,
"How am I supposed to forget something like that? You just told me I'm going to be a father." You take a deep breath, pulling away from him,
"I didn't say that. I said I'm pregnant." His brow furrows in confusion, "Listen, it's still early enough I can... I'll take care of it. Don't worry about it."
It takes him a second to catch on, but when he does, he actually looks hurt.
"Wait, you're--"
"Just go back to your party. I'm not really up for a movie night tonight."
"But--"
"Just go." He looks like he wants to reach for you again but thinks twice.
You steel yourself against the guilt twisting at your heart as you turn away, leaving him alone in the hall. You both want things to be like they were.
He'll get over it.
Just like you did last time.
