So many words (Phan)

Away

                  

The songs lyrics doesn't really have with the story to do but it fits somehow...♥

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*Dans POV*

I run my fingers through my hair and look up at the ceiling trying to hold the tears back but they are already rolling down my cheeks. I can't deal with this anymore. I can't ignore them, my feelings.

The flat is dead quiet except my shaky breathing and the rain pouring angrily against the window like it's mad too.

Blue eyes, pale skin, black hair and a beautiful laughter.

I can still feel warmth where his fingers gently squeezed my shoulder when he said goodnight four hours ago.

When we first met, October nineteenth 2009, I felt something. I felt better than I had ever felt in my entire life.

I guess I kind of showed him my feelings our first years, even though I didn't know I had them myself. The first years it felt like he had something for me too. I decided to push them away, I wasn't gay, and I wasn't bisexual. I'm sure Phil wasn't either, at least he isn't today .

My feelings got locked in, this night the lock broke. The feelings slowly spread in my body, breaking my heart, playing with my brain, infecting every inch of my body.

My cheeks are wet, my eyes are red, my heart is breaking for someone who never even was mine and that breaks it even more. That someone is on the other side of the wall but yet so far out of reach.

Deep breaths.

***

I wake up, holding my pillow close and my cheeks still wet. I take a quick look at my phone.

''I'll be home around 12 :)''

It's from Phil. The clock is now half past ten.

My eyes hurt, my throat hurts, my body feels tired and my heart is aching.

Leave, go away, and run away from this. Now. I just need time, away.

The word 'away' echoes in my mind as I start packing my biggest backpack with warm clothes, my charger, my laptop and toothbrush. I put my wallet in one of my pockets and my phone in another. I fill a bottle with water and then leave the flat, not looking back.

When I reach the train station I can see that a train to Pembrokeshire is leaving soon. I've always wanted to walk by the coast in Wales. It will take about four to five hours to get there but I just want to go there, now.

I buy a ticket without a second thought and the train arrives at the station thirty minutes later.

The thought of Phil's blue eyes, laugh and everything about him punches me as I step onto the train. I'm not turning back, not today. I will come back, sooner or later.

***

''Why am I even doing this?'' I mumble to myself with a tear rolling down my cheek, I don't care if people can see me. I've been on this train for an hour and I can't hold back anymore. The old lady, maybe seventy-five years old or something around that who sits beside me looks at me, not confused or weirded out. She looks... Concerned?

''Are you running?'' she asks with a crooked smile. ''Kind of.'' I smile back even though I'm crying. How can she even guess that?

''I used to run a lot.'' She smiles down at a plastic ring she has on her finger. ''The... ring?'' I look at it as she twists it. ''It reminds me of my choices, well one of them, a really bad one.'' She tilts her head up to keep the tears from coming, laughing at herself. ''Sorry.'' she mumbles. ''It's okay.'' I smile at her.