So many words (Phan)

Dreaming

                  

I think I will write these chapter from both Dan and Phils POV, hope you like it♥

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*Phils POV*

I hear Dan hang up on me and I put my phone in my pocket. I walk back to our apartment.

As I open up the door it feels emptier than it has ever felt like.

Why did he leave? What does he have to figure out? Did I do anything wrong?

I've been acting a bit too friendly I guess. It's just. Lately I've just longed for his touch more than I should. I just can't hold myself back anymore. I want him, more and more as I see him.

He left because I was too intimate probably, but I've just like squeezed his shoulder, put my hand on his back and other small things... Is it that big for him? I sigh. Me just screwing things up.

Dan can't be gone too long. I'm not going to be able to cope with that.

I drop the keys on the floor and walk to up to Dan's room. I just stand in the doorway, leaning against it. I can't even remember how many times I've stood here, watched him sleeping, looking so innocent. It's the only time I could really observe him. That's one of the reasons, well the only one, I wake up early. I've whispered so many words to the sleeping Dan, so many words I wish he actually remembered I've said.

I close my eyes and feel a tear roll down. Unrequited love sucks. This type of love isn't working for me, but I just can't let it go. It's slowly breaking me, slowly tearing me apart.

I breathe out, my breath shaking. I open my eyes again and turn around, walking to the kitchen. I make some tea for myself and as I sip at it, sitting in one of the stools, my thoughts wander off.

What if I told him? What if I just called him and be like 'Just so you know, I like you, a lot. More than friends you know.' What would happen? Would he reject me, come back, pack his things and leave or take the earliest train back and come and kiss me up against the wall. The first one, probably.

For a while I dream about his lips against mine, my hand playing with his brown locks, his fingers tangled with mine. 

I realise my tea is cold and it's 9 pm. I sigh and pour it out in the sink. I don't want to stop dreaming, I get the version of Dan I wish I had in them. I walk to my room to go get my laptop. I sit in the sofa.

Tumblr is full of pictures of me and Dan, after about a minute I close it and wipe the tears rolling down my cheeks. I'm pathetic, Phil, stop. I fix my glasses and swallow the lump in my throat. Maybe I'll just go to sleep early.

As I lay my head to the pillow my thoughts decide to throw a party.

It is weird how I lived over twenty years without Dan, pretty good I would like to say. But now that he is in my life I just can't imagine it without him. His hazel eyes, brown hobbit hair, beautiful smile and all about him, I can't live without it. It's like he's a drug, my drug.

My head on Dan's slowly lowering and raising chest, his warmth spreading through my whole body and his arms gently wrapped around me.

I snap out of it and bite my lip, I realise my lip is bleeding and I sigh. If Dan leaves it will break me, but if he stays it will too. If he stays I won't be able to hold it all back, and him rejecting me will break me too. As much as I want Dan I want him to be happy even more, even if it's not with me. His name will always be tattooed across my heart, that's the sad part; my name is not on his.

Before I drift off I decide I will shut it all out, I can do this, I won't give him a chance to break me, I'm going to break myself instead. I will just, lock the feelings in. Well, I will be sad. But he will probably be relieved, happy or something, that's all that matters. He won't feel uncomfortable.

I slowly wake up, not wanting to because dreaming about him makes me, feel at ease.

As I stand up by my bed I have to sit down again, I feel my heartbeat going faster as I struggle to breathe. I focus on my breathing, I will be able to do this.

''It's just feelings, you can loose them you miserable human being.'' I mumble to myself as I stand up ruffling my hair in frustration.

I take a look at my phone, not caring about the tears that slowly start to roll, whatever no one's here to see. As I look at my notifications first with high hopes but the little smile I had quickly fades, nothing from him. Why did I wake up?

I walk to Dan's room in just my boxers and pick one of his t-shirts up from the floor. I put it on focusing on my breathing but I break and fall to my knees as I smell the smell that used to be so comforting. I just sit there for a while, letting tears roll, playing with the hem of his t-shirt. It's only been a day who am I? Why can't Dan be here? Why did he have to leave when I am so vulnerable? 

As I stand up I put on a fake smile, looking at myself in Dan's mirror. ''For your happiness, you know.'' I mumble as I keep the smile on my face, walking out of his room, closing the door and turning off the lights.

I stand with my back against the door for a minute, closing my eyes with hope about seeing the love he doesn't have for me.

Why can't I be happy, living in the dreamworld, I do not want to wake up from you.

Awake or not, I'm calling you.

I'm going to do this. ''Daniel.'' I whisper to myself a second before he picks up.

''Hello?'' He sounds tired, I think I woke him up.

That's when I break once again, as weak as I am it's no surprise really. I sob and just hold my hand over my mouth trying to hold it all back.

''Phil, are you okay? I'm coming back. Stay in our apartment. What happened?'' He talks so fast, clearly awake now.

''No Dan, I...'' I swallow another sob. ''I'm okay, I swear.'' I shake my head. ''How's it going?'' I put on a fake smile even though he can't see me.

''Phil?'' He sounds serious.

''Dan I'm just...'' A good excuse? Brain, work faster. ''I hit my toe.'' I say quickly. Good Phil, a really good one.

I can hold the sobs back and the tears, a good start I guess.

''Phil, I'm coming home tomorrow, a train will go back to London then, okay?'' He's obviously not convinced.

''Whatever makes you feel comfortable.'' I say, trying to sound like it doesn't really matter when he comes home.

''Well... Okay, see you tomorrow.'' He hangs up and the smile I had on my face, mostly to convince myself, fades. Tomorrow?

My phone falls to the floor and I let it all out.

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The next chapter will probably take a while because I wrote both these chapters before publishing the first one so maybe a week or less, or more. I can't promise anything♥ Hope you like it...