It started when I was small,
talking and smiling to hide the fear.
It started cause I was alone,
like water against a skipping stone.
It jumps to not drown from the darkness and fear,
this stone is I of course, scared of everything.
I dealt with the lashes of those around me.
'Your annoying' they said.
A world of anger and sadness that it fed.
'Stop talking' they continue to say, showing their importance as superior.
'Go away' I hear whispered behind the commotion. It was me whispering to my tongue.
It was its own drive I told myself.
A drive that I can control if I learnt how. But no.
You see, I talk to keep the loneliness away.
How can one keep the voices in their mind away when they live in the crevices of consciousness?
How can one chase away monsters when the true monster is yourself?
When you cry at night, it is because of them.
Them feeding that monster that pushes you towards the one thing you can control- your life.
'Annoying' My mother reminds me at the break of dawn.
Like a phoenix I rise, but only to fall back into my ashes.
'Get out of my sight' my father yells at me, anger radiating in waves.
I run to my room, secure.
Never secure alone.
'Succumb' It whispered to me, it's finger tracing my face.
I shake my head afraid.
'Why?' I ask, indenial of the truth.
'They think it, whisper amongst the others. How you are annoying'
Sob, sob.
I look in the reflection. I don't see a person. I see the representation of annoying.
BURDEN
I am reminded daily.
Pushed by peers and ignored by onlookers.
CRY
Pillow sagged and worn from the tears that feed that monster.
HELP
I yell in my mind.
Help
WHERE
Where can I find help?
Won't I annoy them to death?
WON'T I MAKE THEM WHISPER TO THEIR PEERS
POINTED
The index finger.
Pointed at me from all ages.
CROWDS
I cross my arms to hold myself upright. I can't kneel to sadness.
Every time someone is busy I tell them I will leave.
'Lol' He wrote to me.
He? A boy. I thought he was different.
He thought I was joking, but I am not. I am talking about life.
'I will leave you alone. I am annoying you, sorry.'
'Lol'
I shouldn't cry.
We point out the different.
I see the world through greyscale. All is grey.
No white or black.
No red or blue.
Just gray.
'Why gray?'
Gray is neutral.
No life no death.
No happiness, no sadness.
Gray is the line of colour I sit on when I want to leave forever. Be able to be free on my own accord.
However I am annoying.
ALONE
I talk to the only person who listens.
I laugh alone. I say I'm unhappy alone. I may have lied.
Being alone after a crowd is heartbreaking.
But alone after nothing is joy.
I am happy with myself because I can speak and answer without problem.
I speak to myself for insurance.
Because I am annoying, I cover my tear tracks with words.
'Annoying' They told me again.
I stayed silent.
Watched them.
They laughed more.
'Annoying'
