You just can't do enough for some people, I guess. A Zayn Malik Sickfic

Who is the real Zayn?

Zayn only  stirred slightly when Katy removed the sleeping baby from his arms then placed the quilt back over his lap. He didn't look too comfortable in the chair but she would have to wait until Josiah came back so he could  get him back to bed. It was obvious that Zayn still needed to recover from his recent surgery and Katy was worried about him, especially as they were in such an out of the way community. Sighing gentle, she turned and started her chores.

Zayn woke to the sound of giggles. As his blurry sight cleared , he saw four children racing around the kitchen in some kind of chasing games. He was surprised that giggles were the only sounds as the neither the children, or Katy were talking. Then he realised that they were as hands flew in all kinds of movement. Zayn recalled then that Josiah had said that some of the children were also deaf like their mother. Seeing Zayn was now awake, Katy walked over to him and mimed eating and drinking, Zayn nodded. He wasn't really hungry but his throat felt dry. He accepted the drink handed to him and sipped cautiously...hot apple juice with just a hint of honey. It was delicious and soothed his throat. Katy then brought him some bread and cheese and he did his best to eat a little but he was feeling very uncomfortable now and really wanted to stretch out flat on the bed. Josiah came in at that point and, when he saw the discomfort on Zayn's face, helped him up and into the bedroom where Zayn lay slowly down.

"That is better?" Josiah asked

"Much, sitting was getting a little difficult and my side was aching a bit. It's good to be flat"

"The doctor comes again tonight. If you are well enough and he allows it, I'll take you out tomorrow to my workshop. You can contact your family from there"

"That would be sic, thanks"

"Sick?  You are unwell again" Josiah asked anxiously.

"No, no, it's just an expression we use when something is really good" Zayn quickly explained "No, I am not going to be sick"

"Then that is good. I'll leave you to rest and then bring in the doctor when he comes."

Zayn lay there , staring up at the ceiling and his mind started thinking about everything that had happened lately. He so wanted out of the public eye and thought leaving the band would do it. The stress of having his every move questioned, tweeted about or often lied about really messed him up. He was accused of so much that people said there was no smoke without fire. Naughty Boy didn't help either. He seemed to know what buttons to press and he had riled up Louis resulting in he, Zayn, and Louis having a very public twitter spat. Zayn felt a tear leak out of his eye. He and Louis were so close at one time, now they didn't even speak. And the gulf between them was growing by the day. Harry, Liam and Niall had been kind, but distant and Zayn could understand that. They probably felt betrayed. He left saying he needed to hide from the press, to be a normal 22 year old. Well he did that but then the music pulled him back and he knew it wasn't just the media that was the problem, he'd stopped liking the music he was doing, he wanted to do something else , to be the real Zayn. Maybe being here he would be able to  work out who the real zayn was....

Zayn  had started to twist the ring on his finger as he continued to think. Frowning , he looked down and saw he was still wearing the engagement ring Perrie had given him. He remembered how fans had gone into a frenzy when he was spotted wearing it at the Asian Awards. They were saying he and Perrie had secretly married. Perrie, oh Perrie. Zayn pulled it off his finger and threw it onto the bedside table. No point wearing it any longer. Another tear snaked it's way down his cheek. That was another mess. He had tried, really tried, with Perrie since he got back. He'd been supportive of her and her work with Little Mix, he'd stayed home, cooked dinners for her, they had even found a wonderful house together but deep down Zayn knew he wasn't happy and it wasn't just the pressure this time. His heart wasn't in the relationship anymore. He was changing, Perrie too was changing and neither was the same person they were two years ago when he had proposed to her. People started commenting that when they were pictured together, Perrie had a big smile on her face yet Zayn always looked either ill or sad. No, things were not right.

Oh, the media made up stories about the split and why and none of them were really accurate. Only he and Perrie knew the real truth and neither was saying anything just yet. Zayn did his tweet about his best not being good enough for some people and Katy had  responded.  He reminded himself she was right. It was better this way, to end it before he and Perrie became even more unhappy. Certainly before they had got as far as the alter or had children. HIs mom and dad had been really supportive and even Harry had sent a brief email to him. One day, maybe, he'd speak about it but it was yet another example of having his private life hauled out for the public to rummage through. Better to stay silent and just burn quietly rather than defend himself and cause more drama. Everyone was bound to support Perrie and he'd be made into the bad guy. Hell, he was already being turned into the bad guy because he didn't speak out.  After all, hadn't he already been given the label of a cheater. Who would believe the truth about it all, anyway. 

Zayn squeezed his eyes shut but the tears refused to be blocked so he gave in and let them fall. A damp cloth wiped across his face. He had been so wrapped up in his thoughts that he didn't notice Katy had come in. She stopped when she saw his eyes open and quickly wrote in her book and held it for him to see.

"Why so sad? Not feeling good?" she wrote.

"No, I'm good. Just thinking about the mess I made of stuff, Perrie and everything and all the lies people are saying about me. I hurt her, people hurt me. It's a mess"

Katy started writing again then held out the book once more'

"You can only do what you feel is right. It sounds to me that the people in your world are happy with lies and deception. We believe in being plain. That's why we all dress the same, live the same lives. Plain means it's real. What you see and hear is what is real. Nobody pretending anything"

"You make it sound so easy" Zayn said, smiling sadly then watched as Katy wrote some more

"To us, maybe it is....or was. Josiah and I have come out into a more modern world. Some is good, some is bad. But we will try to remain plain. You made choices, you have lived your live as you have but you can still make choices. You can  try to go back to how it was but it won't be the same. The past is done and can't be altered, what is to come can be helped. You chose to not get married, you chose to go alone from that music. Maybe the choices hurt you and other people but sometimes we all get hurt. My children are hurt because of my sins and that hurts me. But I can try and move forward from it. You'll move forward too" Katy stood up to leave but Zayn gently grabbed her wrist, gently rubbing his thumb over the thin white scars on her skin.

"Katy, your children are not deaf because you sinned. They were born that way like you were born deaf. It's just a faulty gene, not a sin. Please believe me. God didn't punish you." Zayn spoke earnestly but only got a gentle shake of the head from Katy as she left the room.

Zayn lay back down again and once again his mind started swirling his thoughts in a never ending whirlpool, only this time his conversation with Katy added to the mix.