Letter to Austin Jones

Dear Austin Jones,

You met me last night at your show in Milwaukee. You also met alot of people so you probably won't remember me but I thought I wanted to tell you how much you mean to me so.

I've been depressed since I was 7 years old. I didn't start self harming until I was 12 years old. It started as sort of a testing thing to see what it would feel like to sort of an addiction.

I'm 14 about to be 15 by the way. I've attempted suicide 3 times and no one knows about it.

I know you say there is no reason for all this but i think you should why I do what I do. It started off as being bullied terribly. I do wrestle so did my bully, he took his opportunity to physically asult me by punching me in practice and doing illegal moves that could have probably injured me.

But it didn't stop there I was called fat and they made fun of my clothes because my family couldn't afford to get me anything else besides my brothers hand me downs and my mother was working three jobs to provide for us.

As the year passed it became a constant thing even after wrestling season was over. It eventually came to the point where my bully got one of his friends to tell my bestfriend, who I call my Superman, to not be friends with me. That had to be the last straw.

They also didn't know that I was suicidal, I mean look at me. How many times have you seen an emo black girl with weave and all. Or the certified genius who wanted to die.

I was held to a different standard I felt by the rest of the world because of intelligence level and my race. But anyways they didn't know that with the little act of kindness one day from my Superman that I would have went home that day and killed myself.

By then that bully had passed and amother one appeared. Get it mother.

I had been raised in a single parent household for majourity of my life. My father did not only not live in the same city as me but in a completely different country which limited me to seeing him once a year, I haven't seen my father in two year at the moment.

My mother had always called me things like 'bitch' and 'slut' since I was little telling me it was getting me ready for the hatred in the world but she never did anything like that to my brother.

But once I got older I began to see that she only said these things when she was mad.

It turned from bitch to you fucking stupid ass bitch. From slut to you worthless piece of shit. She made me feel worthless more than ever, and let me remind you that this went on since I was 7.

It took nearly two years for my mother to realise I was cutting and that was after she went through my phone messages.

When she asked why I told her the truth and told her it was her. She acted as of that wasn't even a possibility. Then she began to scream at me "your trying to be something your fucking not".

But thing is that I was being exactly who i really was. I wasn't that perfect person that everyone thought I was the nice girl, the role model, the star athlete, music, and genius. I was me and that's all I can ever be.

She wanted me to be something I wasn't. I did cut after but I was for awhile until she said something that sent me over the edge. Just so you know I wasnt even in high school yet.

I was clean for nearly 6 months until my mother said something. Fast forward I got a concussion which started up more anxiety attacks and now night terrors. I had one last night which made me want to tell you my part in my life.

I learned about you from a friend about half way through my freshman year.

Now you probably never guess this but just a few weeks ago I was contemplating suicide once agiain guess why, because of my mother. By the way she says things about me when she thinks I'm not around that are a million times worst then what she says to my face.

Well in this very tragic and still occurring spot in my life I came to you. You made me laugh, smile and you music touched me in ways that listening to Mayday Parade and PTV never really did. It let me know I'm not alone in the same moment.

So for saving my life I would like to say thank you for saving my life.

Love always,
Me