It all started with skipping rocks, okay maybe it didn't but that sounds so much better. Basically I live in a cabin in the woods a few hours outside of New York, I refuse to give specifics. It's really nice because no one else lives nearby and there is a lake, plus my uncle has already paid it off, which is always nice. My uncle was a trillionare or something like that (never going to give specifics on that) and I was the only family he actually liked so I got it all. Thankfully he didn't get married or have kids or anything cause that would just be awkward. So getting back to the story, I was skipping rocks on the lake as my dog was out catching rodents or doing whatever dogs do, that's not the point. I heard sirens off in the distance which surprised me because I was basically in the middle of nowhere and had no idea anyone else lived near me. So obviously I ignored it and went back to my sad thoughts of before and the place I returned from (again no specifics, if you care try to figure it out, seriously stop pestering me with your mind and imaginary questions, such a hindrance). Now fast forward about three hours of complete boredom involving carving wood. Some weirdo was walking up the nice rock steps to my beautiful wood cabin. He was in one of those hideous flannel logger shirts and had a hatchet attached to his belt. It seemed as though he was really going for the logger look because he had messy brown hair and an unkempt beard with torn up, old jeans and hiking boots. The only problem was that he was so skinny there was no way he could chop down a tree. As soon as he reached my patio he said,"Sir, I'm lost, I was wondering if perhaps you could lend me a ride to town. Or somewhere I can call a taxi."
Now being smart I replied,"Sorry, I don't have a car," while putting down my amazing bear carving and readjusting my knife for better defense. Pause for three seconds or so, depending on how fast you can read. When using a knife large or small to defend oneself there is a proper etiquette. Hold the handle in your dominant had with the not sharp blade facing your forearm. This way when using karate/Tang So Do methods one can cut up vital arteries and still punch the guy, you can unpause now. The idiot didn't seem to notice me flipping my carving knife into a better position. He just walked closer and asked,"Well do you have a map or someway to tell me how to get back to the main road. I got lost on my hike." Now if you were paying attention you would notice that a) I am talking to an imaginary person or people not sure which and b) the wanna be logger/hiker doesn't have a water bottle so can't be hiking. I just stared at him because I didn't want to give away the fact that I knew he was a fake hiker. Now looking back that wasn't such a good idea because the creepy logger took out his hatchet and ran at me. I stood up stepped to the side while pushing his side, throwing him off balance into the chair. I backed up got into a nice karate stance still holding my knife and waited for him to advance. Creepy logger dude snarled for some reason and advanced again, though not as fast as before, bravo creepy logger dude. He stopped about two feet away from me, holding his hatchet around elbow level, while eyeing me as if identifying weak spots. As he was doing that I surveyed the surroundings in my mind, still aware of this crazed logger. My back was facing the steps and the creepy logger between me and my cabin. At this distance I couldn't turn tail and run, neither would I want to this creepy logger guy seemed an interesting, albeit crazed opponent. Next I studied him, he held the hatchet with experience, obviously he attacked like this before. He had been surprised when I reacted to his charging, which is quite sad, a professional creepy logger should be prepared for situations like these. He is skinny, skinny enough that I should be able to overpower him, but one should never jump to conclusions they always kill you. All I know is that he is right handed, experienced, and obviously crazy. If he charges first I should be able to side step grab his left arm and slice the artery on the wrist all the while dropping down to cut the muscle on the back of his knee. That should disable movement enough so I can run. (Again I hear those pesky imaginary mind voices of yours questioning my intellect. I swear to you I am no crazy logger, never would I wear such a hideous flannel. Instead I learnt this at the notorious Johnny Gyro school of Karate, the adult class obviously, no child should know such things.) I continued to wait knowing that even though I have a plan I must be able to ditch it at any moment for a better set of actions. It took the guy exactly 6.5 more seconds before he swung at my right shoulder, so instead of going for the left hand I used his mistake to my advantage. (What pesky voices, I'm not crazy, really. Okay so if you are so daft to do not get it I'll explain. He swung the axe with his right hand going for my right shoulder, therefore he had to cross diagonally to hit his target.) Now all I had to do was twist to the left, grab his outstretched arm and slice the wrist. Then I quickly dropped to one knee and sliced the back of his knee to cut a tendon and stop the ability to move that leg, leaving the injured on the floor screaming in pain. Upon standing back up very quickly I made sure to be behind the logger. Then I ran inside, grabbed my emergency backpack, ran out the back, and jumped in my jeep. Oh I might mention that I lock most of my doors at all times and when I go inside I automatically lock the door, so basically that deranged logger is bleeding and locked out of my house. Once in my jeep swiftly driving away I used my dog whistle to call Henry, soon enough there is my awesome German Shepard bounding beside me. I'm not mean so after a bit I slow down and open the passenger door allowing Henry to leap in. Some how he manages to climb in the back where I keep a water bowl for him.
