You're Gonna Miss Me When I'm Gone

Prologue

Here I am. All alone. Waiting for my time. Take me now. Lay me down. Leave my soul safe and sound.

I was staring at ceiling. The plastic clock read 4:58. I sighed, knowing that no sleep would be granted to me for the night. I flung the duvet blanket and down to the cold wooden floor. That exact moment the chill of the winter air outside caressed my body and I was assaulted by a barrage of goosebumps. I shivered slightly and shuffled my feet to the connecting bathroom in my room. The door creaked open. I flicked on the switch to reveal the navy blue walls with color complementing towels to match. I looked over to the mirror that sat on the wall and stared at my completion. My naturally caramel skin had turned ghost white. The black hair clung to my forehead in strands. My hazel eyes were now a fogged color of a black. The sweats  I "wore" hung off my body loosely. My bandages were soaked in my cold sweat and my body stung like 1,000 bee stings. The pain was unbearable, but made my whole existience bearable. It was a give and take kind of relationship. My body craved the release from the blade. My one secret desire. I had been doing this since 8th grade. 8th grade was when I became less stupid. When I realized that everyone on this hopeless planet is in here for themselves. It's always about me me me and the world will stay that way. Why would I really want to live here? That's the thing. I wouldn't and I still don't. I pulled open the medicine cabinet and watched a few neon orange pill bottles fall into the sink. Whatever was in then had been finished off by me ages ago. I needed something stronger. The mind tingling from the pills didn't cut it anymore. No combination of unprescribed pill cocktails could bring me out of my wake.No. My relief was sitting on the top shelf of my medicine cabinet. I pulled out the razor. The cold metallic ting instantly rose my breathing rate. I spun it in my hand contemplating all the fun I could have with this silver blade. It was my only true friend. I might of had been known as one of the "poplars" but deep down inside I know that people will always be people. Always judging and disapproving. Waiting for you to make a mistake so they can laugh and point in your face for being worthless. I have been down that road once and I'm determined to never let it happen again. My lips began to twist upwards and my vision blurred and refocused itself. Knowing that my sweet relief was moments away made me smile the only genuine smile that I could manufacture on this face anymore. I undid the previous bandages. Many of which tore at the last cuts and opened them back up allowing the bitter tasting crimson liquid to pour from out of my body. The cold air licked at my wounds making me shiver in ecstasy. I grabbed the blade off my poreclin counter tops. I looked at the healing, but damaged skin on my wrists, but I thought for a moment. Cuts on my thighs would be easier to hide as no one would think to check there. My fingers scrambled for the button on my shorts. In seconds I had them down at my feet. The clean clear skin, a perfect target. "Just something to numb the pain" I mumbled to myself before putting the cold blade to warm skin and slicing through the delicate flesh. Blood flooded the wound. My breathing slowed again. I was in Nirvana. My thoughts started to fog. All my troubles fleeing from my mind leaving me empty minded. Another cut split my flesh open again. My mind cleared and I was happy, watching the blood pour from my new creations. They are so beautiful. These markings make me feel something I can't explain. Something no one will ever comprehend. I swiped my hand through the mess tiredly as my lids began to grow heavy. My neck cocked and I slid down the wall some more before dosing off on the cold wooden floors of my bathroom soaking in a puddle of my own creations.