Moments

Chapter 7 part 1: Fear

It had been two days since Levi had been charged with supervising Ivy, and for her they consisted of countless moments of observation, sleepless nights and walking exercises devised by the doctor, put in action by the nurse, observed by Hanji and overlooked by a forever bored Levi. The actual training was to start soon.
In the meantime the shifts had ended, because even though Ivy still fell out of her bed at night, at least now she was conscious enough to get back in it.
And so here she was at midnight, alone, in that bed. She couldn't sleep. Or rather, she didn't want to, because every time she dozed off her dark, twisted subconscious took over. Distorting the memories, leaving you paranoid and afraid... she lost all control of herself, and she became crazy. All the horrible memories flooded back to haunt her, and there was nothing she could do. Thousands of little voices, image flashes, gut-wrenching feelings pouring over you, drowning you. She shivered. How can you be mentally strong anyway? That raised more questions that she didn't even ask herself. No, because acknowledging those questions meant facing reality, which was getting further and further away as her mind dragged her down in the dark pits of craziness. Reality was painful. Her imagination was painful, but it ate her away. She was stuck and confused. She just chose to ignore the matter altogether. There was no way she was allowing herself to sleep. She stared around the room, trying to find every detail. Except she had already been doing this for three nights now. Therefore, the single most interesting thing in that small, boring room was the window. But tonight it was raining, like the days before, including the one when she first showed up at the HQ.
She loved rain. It helped her relax. Even though she knew what would come if she slept, she pushed that thought in the back of her head. She just wanted to empty her mind to the sound of raindrops. Couldn't she even think calmly anymore? She closed her eyes and, without realizing it, was slowly drifted away in the land of dreams.
Oh but those were no beautiful dreams...

The white-haired girl slowly creeps out of her bed, gently grabs her drawing utensils and tiptoes her way out of her home. I stare at the scene. I know what is going to come.
It mustn't happen.
I scream at her not to go. I screech. I put myself right in front of the door. But I'm just a spectator. Just a ghost. And the white-haired girl keeps on walking through the narrow streets of her hometown, then rides on her horse deep inside the forest. I follow her at the same speed.
It mustn't happen.
I try to grab her. But my hand goes right through the green cloak.
There is nothing I can do.
But... It can't happen... I mustn't let it happen...
I stand there in horror, looking at the girl who is drawing on a branch of one of the many gigantic trees in that forest.

Looking at me.

Do something. Don't just stand there. Please! Move! Don't you know what is going to come?! Do something!! And then I hear a crash. That terrifying sound. I feel my whole body shiver in horror. I freeze. It's about to come. I don't want it to happen again... And all of the sudden...

I hear their horrifying screeching. The darkness. The fear. The pain. The smell of fresh blood. Erratic screaming. They can't be dead... They can't be dead...
All I can hear now is one scream. One terrified scream. No...
I'm afraid. I can't move. You monster. You didn't save them. No... No... No!!

She jolted up. She wanted to scream, but all that escaped her mouth were suffocated hisses. The air was so cold... She sat, frozen in shock. Everything was dark... The walls seemed to be closing in on her. The rain was making an infernal noise. It was like a never ending shout. It wouldn't leave her alone. She found herself gaping for air. She had almost forgotten to breathe... The air was heavy and constricting. She wanted to escape the destructive grasp of something she did not understand. Instinctively, she frantically grabbed paper and a pencil from her satchel.
She didn't even remember the nightmare. All that remained was the suffocating fear. That fear that takes hold of every inch of your mind. That overrules your logic. That screams at you to run, but doesn't tell you where. And that most of all offers you no reason for what it's doing. For why it's torturing you. And that leaves defenseless as it unleashes chaos inside you.
She blindly fumbled across the corridors. Danger seemed to be lurking everywhere. Darkness makes the mind fill it with its worse monsters... Finally she touched the cold stone of a small spiral staircase, that she climbed without even a second thought to where it might lead to. It was an exit, that's all there was to know about it. More than twice she stumbled on the narrow steps. The rain seemed to be getting louder. Finally her fingertips grazed what felt like wood. It had to be a door. Hurriedly, her whole body trembling, she finally grabbed hold of the knob and swung the door open. The sound of the rain was almost deafening now. She could feel its cold touch on her skin as she slowly stepped out. This door lead to the rooftop... Tears were rolling down her cheeks, but they were invisible on her soaked face.
She had to draw... She wanted to get all her feelings out, put them on the paper. Then they would all be washed away...
She sat on the ramparts and tried to draw. But the paper was wet and the pencil left a soggy line. Still she kept tracing. She didn't know what she was doing, but she didn't stop. It was like another part of herself had taken control and she was simply letting herself go.

*****
Hello my lovely readers, I am glad to be back :D! I'm sorry for the long absence, my only excuse is: I'm lazy and I didn't have any inspiration.
It's a bad excuse XD
But hopefully I'll be back on track and stay that way.

As you can see, this chapter turned out pretty long (and to make amends for not posting chapters, the second part will be here sooner).
It was a pretty dark chapter, I hope you enjoyed it.
FYI, the next chapter will follow Levi and will rather be told from his point of view, (as opposed to this one) so it will be more lighthearted.

I also have started adding music to my chapters (though I suppose you already realized that XD), and I'm pretty sure I will only add SnK soundtrack music.
Therefore, it's very likely that the dramatic/emotional/fighting scenes will be the only ones to have music, since the soundtrack fits them best.

That's all of my announcement. Big, I know...
Whatever...
As usual, thank you for reading and stay tuned!