Broken [l.p.]

Chapter 1

Do you ever feel butterflies in your stomach when you see someone smiling, your heart starts racing so fast, and it suddenly turns around your terrible day?

I wasn't the kind of person who could easily fall in love or believed in love at first sight. But it was the first week of June when I saw this girl in the hallway, smiling and joking around with some friends. I'd never seen her in my school before so I reckoned she was a new girl. The uniform she was wearing made her noticeable from the others and that was why she'd caught my attention as soon as she'd walked into the hallway. She was like the first white rose that bloomed in the spring among the daisies.

I liked the way her shoulder-length blond hair fell perfectly. I liked how her eyes glittered when she talked. I liked the sound of her laugh. I liked the way her lips curved up a smile. It had been only ten minutes since I'd first seen her but I couldn't even stop myself from adoring her.

I stood here like three meters away from her. I kept glancing at her, hoping she would notice me but she didn't. She seemed so friendly and fun. She could blend in every conversation with people she just met. And I guessed that was why those people looked comfortable around her.

I was honestly thinking to join her little group of friends, say hello to her, and have a laugh with her, but I couldn't. I usually wasn't a shy guy but I didn't know why I felt so nervous to approach her, even I noticed my hands were sweating and my knees were weak. I didn't know how to start a conversation, what to say to her. I had no idea what was happening to me.

Is this how falling in love feels like?

I'd never felt like this before. Well, honestly, some girls in my school had ever said that they fancied me but, I don't know, I mean like... I liked them too, I enjoyed talking to them, but just as friends, nothing more. I'd never been really into every girl I'd dated. My relationship never lasted longer than two months. Actually, I'd once had a crush on this one girl when I'd been in year 7, but what I felt right now was different.

In the first week of this blonde girl's existence--which soon I knew her name was Kirsten--in my school, I already knew what classes she attended each day. And the new reason that made me love going to school was because she went to the same IT and Italian classes with me--I'd thought she was one or two years younger than me.

I found out that she was really good at operating the computer, especially using Photoshop. People in IT class always asked for her help when they got problems and she always kindly helped them. Meanwhile in Italian class, she always made people laugh with her obsession about Italy, yet she sucked at Italian. She had loads of knowledge about Italy but her difficulty of learning Italian was people's unanswered question.

Kirsten always knew how to make people laugh. Whenever she was around, everything seemed better and warmer and brighter. The portrait of her wouldn't escape my mind the next day, the next two days, and the next other days. She was the last thing that was in my head before I went to sleep and the first thing that came up when I woke up in the morning. Her presence became the first menu in my dreams and her smile was my favorite thing to appear in them. I was even surprised to find myself missing school on weekends just to see her. Then I knew I really was in love for the first time in my life, and it felt... grand.

The first time I'd found out her name, I'd kept secretly saying it in my head and felt the weird, beautiful feelings tingle all over my body that made me smile like an idiot all by myself. Do you have any idea how a name could light up your day by the second that someone mentions it?

One day, when I was practicing with my football team in the school field, I saw Kirsten and some of her friends sitting under the tree. I didn't notice her at first until I trotted out of the field to get a drink and that was the time my eyes met hers. But as soon as it happened, her friends and her abruptly turned their heads and uncomfortably glanced at one another. The thought of she'd probably been watching me since a while ago formed and shaped a smile on my face, but the next second, it disappeared as I tried to remember whether I'd done something either stupid or embarrassing during the practice.

In the dressing room after the practice, all my mates excitedly talked about Kirsten's friends who had sat under the tree near the field. Well, yeah I had to admit that those girls including Kirsten herself were all pretty and hot. I enjoyed the topic until they started discussing about Kirsten.

"How about that new blondie?"

My laughter faded away and my body tensed. I tried to act cool to mask my heartbeat.

"You mean Kirsten?"

"Yes, who else?"

"I say 7 for her."

"But her smile is really cute. 8 from me."

"You kidding? She's short and she got no boobs. She looks like a kid! I give 6.5 for her."

"You're right, mate. I prefer hot girls to cute girls, so... um, 7."

"But man, the way she can always break the tension and make people around her laugh are the biggest turn-ons of her. I say 9.5."

I'd always been fine when my friends rated girls, but I was somehow annoyed this time when they started to do the same on Kirsten. I was about to say something right when someone patted my shoulder.

"What our captain thinks about this new blondie, by the way?"

"Yeah, what do you think about her, ladies' man?"

I swallowed while the others laughed. I suddenly had no idea what to say. All I wanted to do was to end this conversation really soon. "I'm not interested in her," I said that made me regret the next second. Those words just uncontrollably slipped out of my mouth.

The other boys started to tease me. "Ooh, the ladies' man has spoken!"

"Have you ever been really interested in a girl anyway, Liam?"

"Yes, you always date a girl only for a few weeks!"

"Asshole!"

Everyone was snickering.

"Stop teasing me. I'm not the ladies' man, okay? And I'm not a fucking asshole." I tried not to sound mad. "Well, I know Kirsten is such a nice girl, I'd say-"

"Wait, how do you know? I've never even seen you talking to her."

Didn't know what to respond, I just locked my mouth. I couldn't tell them that I had been watching her for two weeks but hadn't even said 'hi' to her for once. That was so lame. I really had to start talking to her. I wanted to know more about her, have a great laugh with her until she fell asleep in my arms and kiss her forehead.

But until the third week since the first time I'd seen Kirsten, I still hadn't spoken even a word to her. I couldn't seem to speak near her. I had no idea since when I became such a loser like this. Why didn't I have the courage to ask for her help in IT class and remand myself to help her in Italian class?

And once again, I caught myself smiling for no reason then I realised I was thinking about her. But sadly, I didn't see her at school today and I only saw her twice in the next week. She rarely came to school. Suddenly, rumours about her spread across the school. I heard some people talk horrible things about her like she was a bad girl, she dated a rich middle-aged guy, she drank at the clubs, and more like that. But I didn't believe them because I was sure she was a good girl.

Why does it feel like there's something incomplete inside me whenever she's not around?

***

(to be continued)