Broken Inside

Saturday

I sat in my room all day, watching YouTube videos. I'm literally wasting my time on this earth by doing pointless things that only bring me a small amount of short lived happiness.

Sorry, I've been having an existential crisis for the past couple of days. It's crazy to think of how small and insignificant I am in this universe. Well, my dad makes me feel like that. What a dick. 

I was thinking about Grace today. I want to be her friend so badly that it hurts. She seems really quiet and sweet, I'd love to hang out with her sometime, but she probably thinks I'm a freak already.

But she is so pretty, I can't get over her. I think I might have a tiny crush on her. Maybe... Just a little one though. I don't know what to do, my dad is really racist and homophobic so I would never be able to tell anyone. I'll just pretend I never thought about Grace like that, and hope the feelings go away. I don't know... I think I'm bisexual. This is weird because only now that I'm older I can remember back to when I was a kid. I used to have crushes on girls, just innocently. I wanted to hug them and hold their hand, but I was taught that that was wrong so I lust after guys instead.

I guess I've always known that something was weird, about how I never fully wanted to be completely with guys. Maybe I'm gay..? But I can't be, not after being brought up the way I have.

I've decided that I'm going to at least try to talk to Grace. I'll never even get to know her if I don't even speak to her. I'll make conversation in English in Monday, maybe offer her some food? I love food, that would make me want to be someone's friend.

I don't know, every time I'm around her I go all gushy and get butterflies in my stomach. She's so beautiful, I wish I could speak to her.