5 Hokages

Uchihas and Punishments

Author's note: The usage of the Japanese names for the days of the week was deliberate and not just to show off my shaky knowledge of Japanese. For those who know what they mean, it will be fairly obvious why, for those who don't know, scroll down to the bottom of the page where there will be a small lesson.

&!&!&

"Hash, you'd better get your granddaughter, Madara's drunk again." Tobirama said as he joined his brother for their customary morning jog.

"What makes you think Madara's crawled back into the bottle again? He seemed fine the last time I saw him." Hashirama asked his brother as they headed toward the wall.

Tobirama simply pointed to the Hokage Monument where five faces and a butt loomed over the village.

"Should I be worried that you know what Madara's ass looks like?" Hashirama asked his brother.

"Not really, it was Izuna who told me about it." Tobirama replied. "You know how people in our family had a tendency to name kids after the first thing they saw when they poked their head out the door shortly after the kid was born?"

"Yeah, poor Benki." Hashirama replied, remembering his rather unfortunate cousin. The tradition had been perfectly fine when the family had mainly lived in tents, all mom had to do was poke her head outside, and bam the kid was named after some kind of tree, flower, or animal. When the Senju started giving birth indoors however, things got a little...interesting. Fortunately for him, the first thing his mother had seen was a column. When it came to his brother, his mother had poked her head into a hallway and seen another door. When it came to Benki however, the boy's mother had gone through the wrong door and poked her head into the bathroom.

"The Uchiha tended to take a little more time when naming their children." Tobirama said.

"Really? And they still named him Madara?" Hashirama said, incredulously.

"I said they took a little more time, but not that much more. Madara was named after the odd pattern of freckles on his backside that he was born with." Tobirama replied.

"I take it that Izuna wasn't named after Mt. Izuna then." Hashirama replied, remembering the shifty look on Madara's younger brother's face when he had told him what he'd been named after when they were hammering out the details for the new village.

"Nope, he was named after his aunt who was named for her father's riding weasel." Tobirama replied.

"Riding weasel?" Hashirama asked, almost unable to process the illogic of that statement.

"Madara's grandfather had the Weasel summoning contract, and used to ride a giant Izuna into battle. The next guy to get the contract didn't use it, because the damn thing kept eating the horses." Tobirama replied.

"How do you know all this?" Hashirama asked as he and Tobirama neared the end of their first lap around the village proper.

"Izuna tended to spill information he shouldn't have while he was drunk. While you were busy sitting there laughing your ass off at "Tobi", I was gathering blackmail material." Tobirama replied with a shrug.

Hashirama winced as his eyes flicked back up to the giant butt that graced the Hokage monument.

"We really need to find Madara something to do." He said.

&!&!&

Madara awoke to find himself in a hospital bed suffering from a massive hangover. He vaguely remembered heading to a bar after wandering through the empty Uchiha district, but that was about it. He tended to be insane and somewhat psychotic while he was drunk, and on the night of the Massacre, he'd been completely fucking hammered, rather than slightly buzzed as usual. After the battle high had long since vanished and the forced forgetfulness had worn off, all that had been left was...regret. Sure, the clan had signed their death warrants with their treasonous activities, but did he have to commit the atrocities that he had? Itachi had wanted to spare at least a few of his clan, the elderly and infirm, and the children who had been too young to understand what was going on, but he had followed his brother's great-grandson and swept through the district like Death incarnate, killing all in his path from the ancient elder who had occasionally given him sweets as a child to the youngest infant still wrapped in the hospital blanket he'd been brought home in.