Abeyance

Chapter 1

"Sometimes it feels like I’m falling and no one wants to catch me. Sometimes I dream that I’m jumping and then I’m unwillingly falling. Like, literally falling. Sometimes it feels like I’m asleep when I’m awake. And sometimes, I can’t wake up when I’m asleep. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Sometimes I don’t think anything is wrong with me. Sometimes I just really wonder where I am. I’m suspending in mid-air,” I breathed out, bored.

“Do you wonder why you feel this way?”

“All the time.” I looked around. The white walls, ceilings, and floors always felt like they were closing in on me. I smoothed out the bottom of my hospital gown and twiddled my thumbs a bit. I was very bored, and I certainly did not want to be here right now.

“Do you—”

“Can I go back to my room now?” I cut her off before she could ask anymore stupid questions that I’ve answered a million times before. I looked at her, bored, and breathed a loud, sarcastic sigh. She was writing something down in her notebook. I don’t get why, my answers were always the same every time I was in here. Like I swear she just keeps a tally of how many times I’ve said the same thing.

She looked up at me and sighed, “Mya, we need to talk about all this. You’re here yet again. We need to find out the problem sooner or later. The sooner the better.”

“Dr. Peters, how many times have I been here?” I looked up at her, sort of waiting for an answer. She just kept looking at me. “Fifteen. If we can’t find out the problem at least one of those times, we never will.”

“Mya…”

“Can I please just go now? I’m getting annoyed,” I said, clutching the bottom of my hospital gown to keep myself from punching her in her face. I hate her. Every time I’m here she just nags me. She said I can be fixed, but I really don’t think so.

“Yes,” she looked down at her notebook and wrote more down. She usually gets up with me and opens the door, and she’s technically supposed to walk me back to my room. Hospital policy, you know. But she didn’t look like she was getting up anytime soon, and I was getting ticked off, so I just got up and walked down the hallway to my room. A couple of the nurses looked at me, but they know me by now, so they didn’t say anything.

As I was walking I was thinking about all the times I was here and how nothing has ever changed: The white walls, the policies, the people. Everything was the same, even the patients. It’s pretty much like a routine for me. I get better, or at least think I do, and I just end up back here a few weeks later in the same old hospital gown with the same old people in this same old hospital. To be honest, it’s kind of boring. And I’m sick of living this way.

I walked into my room. More white walls and floors and ceilings. My bed was just a mattress, since the bedding is taken off during the day, so we can’t hang ourselves. My room doesn’t have bars on the windows anymore. I was told last time I was here I was going to awarded the privilege of a room with windows you can open! Oh joy! They gave me the same room I had last time. I opened my window, even though it was pretty cold outside. I sat at my “desk” (which is just a table and a chair, by the way. Desks are too dangerous.) and looked out the window. I started thinking about Charlie.

Charlie is my best friend. I met him the first time I was here. I was about eight then. We always went to the rec hall together. But he’s lucky as he doesn’t get sent back here all the time. He comes to visit me though when I’m in here. I guess the nurses don’t care since they probably remember him, and he just comes in my room. Visitors aren’t allowed in rooms, but I’m glad Charlie is. The place where we’re allowed to take visitors is boring. My room is at least private.