CHRYSANTHEMUM

0.1

It was a cold morning in October. The raindrops poured down from the open sky when I ran across the frosty street with my very large coat and new boots. It wasn't so many people today, which was a good sign. I decided to run out and buy a coffee and a sandwich, because there probably wasn't any queue inside the cafe at the railway station anyway.

I walked up to the counter and ordered the same breakfast that I always bought. The woman at the counter even asked: "The usual, dear?" And I just nodded with a smile, always courteous even though it was only two minutes left until my train would go.

I took the same place I take each morning. At the back of the fourth on the train, at the place at the back in front of the bathroom. Only to have it close, it kept me calm. My panic attacks have become better, but I still want to always be safe. An old man sat a few seats in front of me, took off his hat and politely greeted like we knew each other. Although we have only taken the same train a few times before. I guess it's the little things that make these rainy days a little easier to get through.

The train started to go and I held my hands firmly on the seat in front of me until the loud sounds stopped. I hate that awful sound the train makes just when it starts, it makes me want to scream and just step off. When it was over I sat quietly back in my seat and puffed out. "It's okay, Zoe. You survived." I whispered to myself while I picked up my headphones.

The 1975's amazing music began to play and I immediately felt calm while I sat there and scrolled through my Instagram feed and drank my coffee. I love routines. That's another thing that keeps me calm, I just love them.

The worst thing you can do is to destroy my routines. It makes my whole day wrong, I have to start the morning on my way without anyone stopping me from it. Otherwise it won't work at all. But destroying my routines was exactly what happened when a few icy fingers tapped on my shoulder.

I paused my music, put away my coffee mug and took a hard grip on the chair in front of me to keep myself calm. It felt like the whole train started to spin, I looked down at the floor and took a deep breath while I heard a voice in the background. It was like in the movies, when you're about to faint and only hear the slurred voices in the background. But you can't really hear what they say. After a few seconds, which seemed like an eternity, everything became normal again. I wiped a tear that ran down my cheek and finally dared to look up at the man who just destroyed my routine:

"Are you okay?"

He had deep green eyes that reminded me of the nature and desire. His eyes were cold and his dark curls had fallen down in front of his pale face. Although he wasn't smiling, I could see his dimples that have shaped perfectly around his lips. His lips were pressed together into a line, but even like that, I could see the fullness and the little smirk behind his cold guise. Something about that made me feel so calm.

"Ofcourse" I said.

"Is this empty?" He asked with a deep voice, and pointed to the seat next to me. He had a Brittish accent, and talked very slowly. Something about him made me confidently say, "Yeah, sure" and lifted off my bag, just like it was no big deal for me.

But it was. I have never had social phobia, but it felt like I would explode. My panic caused me to trip over his black jeans when I decided to go to the bathroom, without even asking if I could get past him. 

I stood in front of the mirror and just watched the freak that was my reflection. What am I doing? My head began to spin and I had to hold my hands on the sink in front of me to keep myself from falling down and faint. My heart was beating faster than ever while I was sweating, even though I only minutes before felt like I was frozen.

"Get your shit together, it's not real!" I screamed at the monsters that constantly took over my mind and made me want to disappear every day. It felt like the room shrank and I screamed for help, but no sound came from my mouth. I fell down on the floor and tears ran down my cheeks. I have to control myself.

A high knock sounded from the door and suddenly everything was back to normal. I was completely out of breath and tried to get up from the floor without falling back, while the train went violently on the track. The room was normal again and I checked myself in the mirror one last time and wiped away some mascara under my bloodshot eyes.

"Open the door"

I did like the un-known voice said, and unlocked the door. When I opened it, I met an impatient glance. It was the train inspector who wanted to see my ticket. I breathed out and tried to smile like nothing had happened in that bathroom, and started to walk towards my seat to get my bag.

And then, I met those green eyes again.