1 day after
Dan's pov
Phil's funeral was tomorrow. But Dan was afraid. Afraid to see his body. To see the boy he loved, laying there lifeless and cold. Those blue eyes closed.
He opened the door of Phil's room, walked over to his bed and sat down on it. He put his head into the pillow and sniffed on it.
It reminded him of all those times they had filmed on his bed. And those times they had spent editing those video's on it. Or when they had watched their favourite series and anime together. When Phil had been ill and he had sat down by his bed and brought him a cup of soup. They had traveled the whole world toghether and had been through so much. But they had done it toghether.
It reminded him of Phil. Just like everything in this freaking house did.
Tears started to come and he didn't try to fight against it. Phil was gone. It felt like his heart was ripped out of his chest and there was nothing to replace it.
~
Dan stepped out of the train. His eyes were looking around, searching for the boy with raven black hair and bright blue eyes.
Then he saw him standing there, and walked towards him.
"Hey Dan," Phil said.
"Hello."
He didn't know if he had to shake his hand or hug him. So he made this awkward movement which almost caused him to lose his balance. Great he thought by himself. You haven't even started a proper conversation with this guy and you're already making a fool of yourself
They walked out of the train station.
A taxi was waiting outside. He opened the door of the car and sat down.
Dan felt a little uncomfortable. Phil hadn't said anything since they met and he didn't know how to start a proper conversation.
He thought about the skype conversations they had. How they could talk on for hours. They mostly just talked about how there day went and the most random stuff.
Apparently Phil didn't know what to talk about either because he just sat in silence, staring at the window.
Phil opened the door of his apartment. "Come in," Phil said as he walked inside. Dan followed him whike taking in his environment. Phil's apartment looked a bit old. And the stairs cracked under his feet as he walked upstairs to what appeared to be the living room. The house reminded him a bit if the movie the Shining. It had this creepy vibe.
They walked further to Phil's room and they sat down on his bed. Again there was a moment of awkward silence.
"Sooo....," Phil started.
"What kind of music do you like?"
Dan looked at him. The question kind of frustrated him. Of all the things he could've asked he asked what kind of music he was into? Okay, calm down he told himself. Just answer. It's not as hard as it looks.
"I'm really like Fall Out Boy and Muse. What about you?"
"Me too!! I love Muse!"
Now Phil's bombardment of questions started.
"What's your favourite colour?"
"Black."
"Why black that's so depressing!"
"Well maybe because I am," he said. Phil didn't know how to respond on that so went on firing questions at Dan.
"Favourite food?"
"Pizza."
"Favourite anime?"
"Can't decide."
"Middle name?"
"James."
"Favourite animal?"
"Alpaca"
"Favourite word?"
"Microwave."
Phil giggled
"Any siblings?"
"A little brother."
They went on talking like this for a while. Then the toppic changed to YouTube and college. And Phil asked him if they could do a video together which Dan answered with a yes.
Phil put on the camera and started talking.
They talked on and on. Dan sometimes even forgot that they were filming.
Suddenly Phil tackled him what caused them to both end up laying down on the floor. He tried to get up and as he lift himself, he turned his head to look at Phil and their lips brushed against each other. Dan felt his cheeks redden.
"I'm sorry he," said. He looked at Phil, worried that he had fucked up. But Phil was just smiling. "It's fine," he said.
That was the first time he had met Phil.
Phil...
*****
He felt a sting on his wrist and was pulled back into reality. Dan was sitting on the bathroom floor.
Blood running down him arm. Tears streaming down his cheeks.
He tried to remember how he got here. But he couldn't remember.
Since.. since Phil...
Everything happened in a blur. And he couldn't care less. There was no one left over who would care if he died. But he couldn't do it.
Couldn't jump off that bridge. Couldn't take those pills. He was such a coward.
Instead his arms were filled with marks and he had stopped counting the sleepless nights. Sleeping was bad he thought. He was scared of being unconcious. And he was afraid to drown in the darkness of his thoughts. Because if he did sleep his dreams were always about him.
*****
There were so many places they'd want to visit. Travel the world toghether. Making video's.
That night before Phil died, he had wanted to tell him. But he couldn't, the coward he was.
It was all so unfair. He didn't want to think about him because it hurt too much. But he didn't want to forget the way he looked.
Those bright blue eyes who could lit up the whole world. Black hair. It's color ink like. And a smile that was so precious and beautiful. A smile that was gone now. Forever. He walked back to Phil's room and lay down on his bed. He was so tired. The days were meaningless and gray.
He didn't want to sleep. But he was exhausted.
Tears were streaming down his face and he closed his eyes.
The part between the *** is about Dan cutting himself. Please don't think this is a solution to deal with pain. It's not.
So that weird thing about tyem meeting for the first time was some sort of flashback.
Okay so this chapter is kinda rushed, but I had writers block. And there's this other fic I want to start with. But if I'll start writing that, I know I will neglect and forget this phanfic.
I really love writing it tho. It's just really hard. Also I can't write a thirty chapter long phanfic about how broken and depressed dan is. I can't do that to you guys nor to myself. It's not finished tho. Don't worry. I'll probs write another two or three chapters.
I also really want to thank @MarjoleinduPree without you I would be still suffering from writers block.
