Love of a madman

The start

I see her, just like always bouncing around the classroom, smiling and happy around everyone else, that smile that makes my heart want to stop, her beautiful figure bouncing from friend to friend, god how I love her. Her final stop as always is me but her smile fades and she says she is tired and to busy, we where happy before so very in love with each other but she needed time, something had happened to her that I could not comfort that she would not tell me, she just needed........time, time without me is what she meant time without my crushing love. I love her yet I am not with her, it would be fine I could learn to move on if only she would stop saying she loved me, stopped begging me to wait for her, if she would stop saying that she is just testing herself to see if I am the one she can truly give herself to. These things she says tear at me they make me feel inside out and like I have done something wrong, these words she says (which can have no meaning) hurt me worse than anything else ever could.it was fine at first every time I saw her I did everything I could to talk to her and be near her, forever trying to get closer being the helpful "friend", I always felt happier around her, always had butterflies in my stomach. But slowly I started to notice how she changed around me, how she always put everyone else first before me and would ditch me for her friends without even saying anything, how I was always the one to call first and how she would text other people while talking on the phone with me, how no matter what I would try and say or do she always seems to ignore me, she never seemed to care much about anything to do with me, when I would get to talk to her she always talked about her "problems" and never cared to listen to mine. I would get so mad and it would her so much that I would shout and yell and tell her that I was done that I wasn't putting up with it anymore, that I wouldn't let her hurt me anymore. She would cry and tell me how much she loves me and how much I was hurting her, giving me reason s for her actions that made no sense or where so clearly a lie, but I always gave in, she owns me no matter what she does or how hard I try I can never stop loving her. I tried so hard to stop loving her, because every time I gave in to her she went right back to how she was, doing the same thing over and over. It got even worse when she started dating other guys, I thought then I could finally let go it would hurt but I would be able to live again, but she begged me to wait for her, that the other guys where only a test for her that it was nothing, but in my heart all I felt was that if she truly loved me why did she feel anything for them, why did she need to "test" herself if she had me? All more lies but again and again I gave in letting her rule me. I waited and waited, boyfriend after boyfriend, they treated her badly, cheating on her telling her what she could and could not do, ignoring her. I always supported her as best I could, wiping away the tears from her face telling her that I cared and would always be there for her, but when she said she loved me it felt like being stabbed, I would have rather rot in hell then here her say those words to me with another man, but as always they dumped her and I was always hopeful thinking maybe it was my turn again to make her happy, she would always be so flirty and it would feel some what like it use to but then her happiness always took on another mans face. Slowly that feeling of joy and happiness I got every time she was near faded, the butterflies in my stomach turned to a black hole, and there was only longing, pain, and suffering. Agony become a normal part of life I died inside, every morning creating new versions of myself just to have them die each day, over and over again. Until everything was different I would only smile when something was wrong, pain turned into pleasure, lies seemed better than truths, I would cut my self just to see the blood there was no pain, never any pain, I had felt to much pain on the inside that I was numb on the outside, happy was just a word not something I could remember feeling or what it was like. Until Miz came, her quiet voice and warm arms over comfort around me, she is always there for me showing me how to feel better, making me smile. Miz always comforts me and truly cares for me; she makes me put myself over others and wants me to be happy. I became a new person with Miz to help me I pieced myself back together, Miz was the reason I learned how to be me again, with her warm smile and comforting hugs. Miz was always there for me, right by my side always smiling and happy to help me. Miz was so kind a sweet to me and I always felt so much better around her, but then it finally happened. One day I was talking to Miz about (V) and she got upset, Victoria had hurt me again and Miz was sick of it, she got all flustered and red faced and grumbled at me like always but then she said "you don't have to always go back to her.....I'm here aren't I?" I smiled at her and laughed it off but she didn't laugh she just looked at me for awhile then nervously said "you know I mean it right? I don't want her to hurt you anymore I...I want you to be with...me..." this time I sat shocked, this amazing beautiful girl had just said she wanted to be with me, I had no words nothing I could say I could barely think my mind was a blur of confused emotion. But after a few seconds I regained my senses and started to say something "Miz that..." but the bell rang and we had to leave the moment stolen right from under me. I would see Miz in the next class but the time in the hallway alone (because Miz walks way faster than me :D) I had the most dangerous thing anyone or thing could give me, time to think, and in that time I was swallowed in joy. How could I say no to her? She was perfect for me and she really wanted it, for the briefest of seconds a part of me thought 'what about Victoria she still needs me' but that part was quickly drowned out by the bliss of the moment. Just when I was feeling good about it all even happy, the very rarest of emotions for me, it was stolen all in one sight my moment of bliss was shattered. In front of my locker stood Victoria she was talking to Miz and Miz looked so mad at her, Miz was clenching her fists at her sides, almost yelling at Victoria I couldn't hear what they where saying but I knew it had to do with me it always did. I hurried my pace trying to get to my locker before anything happened, but in horror I watched as Victoria poked Miz in the chest, Miz didn't even pause she reached back and hit Victoria, Victoria was shocked for a moment but not for long, she quickly slapped Miz across the face. Before Miz could hit her again I jumped between them shouting "stop this you'll both get in trouble, it's not worth it" but Miz had already went and swung but instead of hitting Victoria her hit landed square in my face. Miz was horrified she kept saying sorry over and over, Victoria laughed at her "you stupid girl your not suppose to hit your little crush" Victoria pulled on my sleeve "come on Jay I'll take you to the nurse" I brushed her off of me "no I don't want to go with you" Victoria spun around at me venom in her eyes, her voice wasn't loud but when she spoke I could tell just how angry she was "what? You need to go I am taking you end of story" I shook my head "no I'm not going with you, end of story". Now I had done it Victoria's face went red with anger and she yelled practically screamed at me "what!!! You'd rather stay with this bitch, this is bullshit after all I have done for you and now you do this" Miz went to say something but I didn't let her I blew up "ALL YOU'VE DONE FOR ME!!!! You haven't done shit for me all you ever did was use me and hurt me, Miz has always been there for me she's kind and caring she is an amazing person so don't you dare talk about her like that shut your fucking mouth" both Miz and Victoria sat there stunned, they had never seen me blow up like that before I'm always the calm collect guy, but Victoria had finally pushed me to far and from the look on her face I knew she had realized it. I figured she would scream at me that she would get so angry and curse at me I was ready for that I knew I could take it and give it back just as much, but she teared up and ran down the hallway, this I was not ready for I hadn't thought of it and I instantly regretted it even if she had hurt me I had never meant to make her cry I wanted to make people smile don't hurt them. Just as I was about to turn and talk to Miz Mr. Howard came over asking "Jay what happened?" I shrugged my shoulders "it's nothing Mr. Howard just drama it's fine" Mr. Howard laughed "the day 'just drama' isn't trouble the devil will be skating to work, but I trust you to work it out Jay", inwardly I let out a sigh of relief "thank you Mr. Howard" Mr. Howard walked back to his class room. I turned to Miz and the sight of her crying face making my heart sink "Miz what's wrong?" Miz sniffed "I hit you, I actually hit you, I never wanted to hurt you and I did you must..." I didn't let her finish instead smiling at her I said "Miz its fine it was my fault for jumping in front of you" I hugged her "so please don't cry anymore". To my surprise Miz kissed me a soft sweat kiss, she smiles as she pulls away from me making me beam I love it when she smiles, "that's more like it, your beautiful face should always be smiling" Miz blushed pulling away from me "we should get to class where already late" I nodded smiling at her, "sure" I grabbed her hand and hurried her to class smiling at her blushing face. I couldn't focus in class, not that I ever really did to begin with but now it was even worse, Miz sat in the front of my row, me in the back I couldn't help but stare at her, I had always know she was a pretty girl but now its almost like she's glowing, I couldn't take my eyes off her. I know she knew I was staring at her because of the few glances over her shoulder, our eyes would meet and she would turn around quickly blushing, she had great grades and was always a good student, so it made me blush when she looked at me because she was ignoring her work for me, something very, very, very rare. After the class was over Miz had a different class then me but we still walked together, hand in hand threw the hall, I walked Miz to her class then rushed to mine, this was the last class and the one I fear the most, English class not to be feared for any reason other than Victoria was my reading lab partner, after what had happened earlier I dreaded the unavoidable confrontation, I sat down at my desk waiting for my teacher to stop droning on and on about the same thing we had all week, then like a curse it spilled out of misses Magee's mouth "okay every one get with your lab partner and work on chapter four" in that instant I could not hate reading lab anymore. I pulled out my note book from my bag setting it on my desk I let out a sigh, Victoria sat down next to me smiling, which in it self sent a chill down my spin, Victoria handed me a text book saying "where on page 67" I looked at her puzzled flipping to the right page, after working steadily for ten minutes I finally just asked her "aren't you mad at me?" Victoria looked away her expression turning from the light cheerful smile to a frown and hurt look in her eyes "I'm not mad...just...I don't want to talk about it" I sighed loudly "come on we have to talk about this" Victoria shook her head at me "no we don't just drop it" she tossed a piece of folded paper at me "and I know you wont want to drop it so fine read that just leave me only and work right now" I stuffed the note into my hoodie pocket grumbling, I learned early on in life that with friends like mine always and I mean always read notes alone if you don't there is no telling who might know, the rest of the class went on fine silent but fine, I would catch the glances Victoria gave me the same ones Miz did but I was done with Victoria she always put me last and I am tired of being last. The last bell of the day rang letting us all know it was time to go home, I quickly threw my stuff into my bag vaulting for the door in hopes of getting out and down the hallway before Victoria could catch me, but as always I was slow on my feet and she caught my arm at the door asking "hey Jay can I walk with you?" out of some sense of kindness I shrugged my shoulders "I guess so you know whatever man" Victoria walked next to me all the way down the hallway. She smiled and seemed cheerful until we made it to the outside hallway, Miz surprised me by running up and hugging me and kissing my cheek, I smiled and kissed her "not so shy anymore I see" she blushed looking at her shoe stuttering " w...well y...your mine now" I smiled and went to say bye to Victoria, I was just in time to watch her storm off angry, but I didn't care I turned and held Miz's hand. Miz pulled me towards the bus grunting "why are you so slow?" I laughed and poked her side "I just am your going to have to deal with it speedy".