Love of a madman

crushing moments

The moment something your heart depends on and needs so deeply you cant think of breathing without it, is taken from you is a crushing thing, it strangles you and makes it hard to move on at all. I lost Miz and it crushed me so totally and completely that the part of me that I was died. I became a new person drifting threw life on a cloud of pain and despair and wishing every moment wasn't there. Miz was the kindest most sweet girl I had ever met so when she ripped out my heart and tore it to bits I honestly didn't see it coming. It was a fairly good day easy, I had almost no work for the day and was just looking forward to seeing Miz that day knowing that her happy smile would be all I needed to have an amazing day, but when I met her after school she wasn't smiling. I ran up to hug her and when I did she tensed up and pushed me off, I was shocked asking "what's wrong?" she shook her head "your whats wrong Jay you, I can't feel anything anymore and I know its because of you" she started crying "I have fought so hard for you because I felt so much for you but now I think that all my fight is gone, I can't do this anymore Jay I just can't" I stood holding back tears my mind screaming to make it stop. I went to talk but barely managed to stammer out "w..what do you mean?" Miz started crying more and more then threw her tears "I mean I don't love you anymore, I don't feel anything anymore I can't be with you anymore or I know it will kill me" I stopped fighting it and just started crying, the woman I had given it all to who I had been so in love with had just told me that she didn't love me anymore and that I was killing her. nothing could have hurt me worse than her words the voices in my head all started to scream at once my head was pounding and my whole body screamed in pain. I saw Miz walk off just before I fell to the ground holding my head between my legs screaming tears running down my face, the voices all screaming louder and louder and the pain in my body getting worse and worse by the second. I stumbled to my feet and walked to the bus taking my seat silently my hood covering my face and I tried to sleep on the bus accomplishing the feat by pure lack of energy. The screams filled my sleep they never stopped thinking was impossible, anything more complex than sleeping wasn't going to happen, until all of a sudden the screaming stopped the voices went away then slowly the pain faded and I felt ...nothing i was just there. I had no feelings left my heart was't cold it was just not there I had no feelings at all I had become numb and then I slowly realized I wasn't Jay anymore, Jay had died right then and there Jay had stopped living he had died with my heart, I have no idea who I was but I wasn't Jay any longer. The next few months went just like that just numb no feeling no real name nothing until I couldn't take it anymore I became sick of feeling nothing and decided to try and make myself feel again at any cost. I started hurting myself to feel pain because i would rather feel pain than nothing at all, but I finally figured out that in order to feel again I had to become something, someone again. I have always been a huge star wars fan so i dove into that trying to find something to be and I did, like a shining beacon of stability and power I found the Mandalorian's. the armor the power I fell in love with everything about them and devoted my self to there code of living and became a mandalorian and finally when I knew I was ready I took the Mando Name Kad and I could finally feel again. I had restored my self to being at least partly human, but when the feelings came back I begain to suffer again all the pain and lose that Jay had felt started bleeding over into Kad and for a year and a half I was left in agony, doing my best to help others and hiding behind a fake smile. Until it was finally to much i couldn't take it anymore the suffering the pain all of it became such a weight that I could not bare it any longer I had plans to kill my self to end it all. I was going to do it to I was going to end my life I got on the bus and was running the ways I could do it down in my head and then I saw her, it was a new girl one who had just started high school. Her beautiful eyes screamed that she was in pain and she hid behind a blank expression and good mood, but I could see that she had pain in her like me she knew what it was like to hurt. That second I saw her I lost all thoughts of dying of the pain, the only thing I could think about was how amazing it would be to see her smile and how beautiful it would be. for the next week I talked to her and learned her name was Kat and that we had so much in common and slowly but surely I did in fact make her smile a real true smile and then we feel in love and saved each other from both death and pain and every day we make each other smile real, true beautiful smiles. My name is Kad Vaan and I am so proud to be my self I am in love and have never been happier and if you actually read this thank you and always smile you never know who might need that smile. 

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