Thoughts of a broken boy

stay in Japan

Japan is really nice. The view is beautiful and the beach is clean. The people are kinda shy but if they open up to you, you can have a lot of fun with them. I also bought presents for my friends. Games for the guys. That was easy to find. I had more problems with the girls. I know what Nayla likes. So getting her a t-Shirt from her favorite band was easy. Arya was a little more difficult. She likes cute things. I'm a guy so I don't have a clue about that stuff. Even though I'm often told that I'm cute. Shouldn't guys be manly, cool or sexy? I'm not suited for those though. Even if I don't really like it, cute is probably the best suited word that describes me. I still don't know anything though. So I just went into a jewelry shop and asked for advice. The girl there, Nanoka, really helped me. I got a cute charm that should protect her from harm. Nanoka was really funny. We even went to the park together one time. It was cute how she blushed every time I smiled at her... The last gift I got was for Carla. I don't know her well since she just recently got together with Julien. It was tough getting her something. I saw a cool t-shirt she would have liked but I don't know her size. So I couldn't get it... I got her a box with different kind of makeup, since she wears a lot of it. The box is also cute, I think... I hope they like their gifts...

I got to know a few things about Japanese religion when we visited some temples. The thing that impressed me the most was the Shintoism. It's a belief where a lot of different tradition comes together. They have an uncountable amount of gods who can be anything. They can be in the form of a feather, a human, an animal, a plant or anything they like. I like the thought of that. Anything can be a god. I think people who think that care more about the world than others. They try the best to be good for the world so they don't anger the gods. I think it's good to look after the small things. You have to be thankful for the small thinks you have when you believe that. I guess, I'm not really made for Shintoism. Lately, I've been discontent with my life even though I have everything I could wish for. I think my wish for happiness shouldn't exist. Why can't I be content with the things I have? Why do I need to know the answers to my questions to? Am I really that insatiable?

Another important religion in Japan is the Buddhism. He is more head of than Shintoism. At least at home. It sees life as a circle. When you die you are reborn again. I think the better the life you lead now the better will be the next one. Does that mean that I led a really good life last time because I got everything humanity dreams of? Or was I a bad person because I feel trapped in my life and I want more? Will my next life be good because people see me as perfect? Or will it be bad because I'm never content? I don't like this religion that much. It doesn't help me at all. It only confuses me more. However, maybe that is what the religion wants. It wants to confuse people so they think about their life and change it... Then the religion is really clever and does its job really well. It would still be nothing for me, though... I already think enough as it is. Maybe even too much.

It's nice to look at the beach... It's so vast that I can forget my troubles for a little bit. Well not exactly forget but they seem smaller. I love the sea. The sounds it makes are calming for my heart. I can really relax when I lie there. I don't like to swim in it though. It always feels as it is hiding something from me. It makes me scared. I never say that though. The official version I rarely swim in the ocean is that I'm scared of getting injured by sharp objects in the ground. I know it's lame but it's better than them thinking that I am scared of the things the ocean hides from me. I'm afraid that the secrets there would drown me. I'm already drowning enough in my own secrets. I don't need any more...

"Rayel? Is that you? That's great! I was afraid I had missed you! I'm here with my friends today. Wanna play beach volley with us?" Shinta is another friend I made here. He looks really cool. Like a player. However, he is really nice. I think he is a lot nearer to being perfect than me. well, maybe he feels the same as me. I don't think so though... "Hey Shinta. Sure, I'd love to play with you and you're friends. However, is it really okay for me? I don't wanna be in the way." He just laughes and grabs me. I can only wink to my parents before we're of. "I hope it's okay when we play with girls? They're really nice, not like most girls... they won't try to flirt with you either, I hope..." – "Sure, it's okay. I'm used to being around girls, don't worry. I have just as many girls as friends as I have guys." Doesn't he like girls? Didn't look that way. Well, it's his decision... "Okay guys, I found him. This is Rayel. Rayel, you're in the team with Shou, the guy on the left, Mayu, the girl next to Shou and Nanoka. I heard you already met Nanoka. I'll be with Shinta, the other guy and the twins Ayu and Miyu. Let's play a nice game!" I greet everyone properly and we begin to play. To say the truth volley ball isn't my strong point. I still like it though.

Our team won. It's only because of Shou though. He's really good at Beach volley. They wanted me to hang some more with them but I declined. I said that I wanted to spent some time with my family since they're working most of the time when were at home. Additionally, my little sister came and begged me to play in the sand with her. She's only 9 years old. It was perfect timing. They were nice but I didn't like how Ayu and Mayu tried to get me to bed. Nanoka tried to but she wasn't as aggressive so it was okay. I said my goodbyes and played with my sister for the rest of the day. She was really happy to spend some time with me. I guess I neglected her lately. I'm a bad brother but she still loves me. She is a great sister.

I really like Japanese food. It's so different from what I usually eat and it's still similar. I can't really describe it well. I like sushi the best. There so many different kinds of it... I wish I could try every kind of it. That won't be possible in a weeklong stay though. Not if you want to try other food too. I like Ramen too. Or Yakisoba. Of course we had to have burgers too. My sisters wish. No matter where she goes, the only thing she wants to eat is burger. Burger are practically the same I think. I don't really care much for them though. I still eat it pretty often because my friends and family like it. No one knows that I don't like it very much. Why tell them? It's not important and it's not like I can't eat it from time to time... It makes my friends happy so I just have to do it, right?

The stay in Japan was a nice change to my usual routine. I also learned a lot of new things. I don't feel any different than before though. For the last week there wasn't a day I didn't think about cutting myself. I don't understand it. I got everything I want and I don't feel really unwell. Why do I want to try cutting myself so badly? Is there something wrong with my head? My resolve not to do it is getting weaker every day. Can I really hurt my family like that? They are always there for me. So are my friends. Why do I even feel the need to do it? Am I just searching for attention? Do I feel the need to make myself feel bad so others will pity me? Is there really something wrong with me? Other people have it worse than me... Some of them don't show it but I see it at school. How they are suffering. I'm happy that my friends don't like to bully people. Julien was bullied once too. I was the one who helped him get out of that circle and to gain some self-esteem. It was the only time I helped someone though. I usually just watch like the others... I'm really not perfect...

Julien never cut himself. He tried his best to be happy. He didn't let the others take him down. So how could I ever go down all by myself? How could I loose such an easy fight when he won the difficult one? Should I talk with him? I usually tell him everything. He is my best friend after all. However, even if he doesn't show it, he must have some scars underneath his smile. I can't tell him. I don't want him to suffer again. He will be mad if he ever finds out about these strange thoughts I have but I have to protect him. It would kill me if I ever saw him hurt again. Not now, that he finally found his smile. I can't destroy it...

It somehow feels like I'm making up excuses so I don't have to talk about my problems... I know that my friends are strong and that they would be hurt if they knew what I'm hiding from them but they always come to me when they're hurting. I'm their tower of strength. I'm the force that keeps them together. They always say that. How could I ever show them that I'm not as strong as they think I am? How can I show them that I am only human? I can't lose this battle. I need to stay strong for them. I need to help them with their problems. I need to be there for them. I need to protect them. I don't have time to deal with my one ones. Or to fall. However, how long can I keep it up to think like that?

Dear diary

As the day gets darker and the sky starts to crumble

The waves of insecurity slowly begin to drown me.

My burden is weighting me down and I start to stumble.

The chains are slowly getting tighter around me.

How long until I fall victim to my fear?

How long will I be able to stand until I start to disappear?