Going Back to You

Let's go Back...

I need to rewind, go back and figure things out. After all, events unfold due to another event, so in a way, you could say everything happens for a reason. And if him leaving wasn't for a reason, I think I might crack for good.

***

December- 18 months ago

It was sunny yet with a slight chill in the air and the bony skeletons of trees that were green for the other part of the year are now barren and cold. Winter in California, is pleasant. Not too cold and icy but not beating hot to the point where it feels like it's not even winter.

Mom wanted me to go outside. She says it's not healthy to be inside all day, every day. She says even when I am inside, I completely withdraw, and that's even unhealthier. She told me that my goal today was to meet someone and maintain a relationship with them.

Well, for most people that's not a problem, but I am not a people person. I'm more of a me-person. I am perfectly happy sitting with myself and doing nothing, yet even nothing is something, in a way.

The only things I can call a friend while meaning it at the same time is, well, not alive. Pencils, paper and books. I suppose I can consider the librarian my friend, I talk to her more than anyone, but don't you need to actually like your friends? She's bland, and always talks about the same things.

But I told Mom I would try. And at least I know I did try, because that is how I met Brent, but not only that, but I maintained a relationship with him. So, if you think about it, it's Mom's fault I feel this bad, because if she just let me be me, I would still be happy. Thanks Mom.

I looked up and ran my pale fingers along the rough surface of the stone wall. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see a figure leaning on the wall. In other words, he was in my way. The look on my face was probably blank and distant, but definitely not very welcoming. Yet he still approached.

I can vividly recall the look on his face. It was stony and had a mix of boredom in is but a slight curve of his lips. As if he was amused. I already didn't like him. Who was he to grin slyly at me? I wasn't something to be observed, goddamn it, look away!

It's not like I'm pretty, don't get me wrong, I'm not a sniveling girl who pities in her lack of self-confidence, I had plenty of confidence, too much even. When I say I'm not pretty I mean it. But I'm not ugly or anything. I just don't have a delicate face, or long flowy hair, it's a different kind of beauty. My hair then was shoulder length and choppy, dyed a magenta red. Because I rarely went outside, I was pale and it made my dark brown eyes seem even darker

I squinted at him, hoping that he would get the hint and look away. But unfortunately, his gaze held. Before I knew it, we were face to face and he was grinning.

"Do you have a problem? Or is my face so charming that you have to stare? In case your mother never told you, pointing is rude, but staring even more so." I took a step closer, but he did to.

He cocked his head slightly to the left and lifted a hand up to his chin as if studying some great piece of art. His eyes focused directly in mine and burned there for what seemed like eternity. Inside I squirmed, but on the outside I glared at him.

"You do have a charming face, really, but a smile would improve your already pretty face by a tenfold. And as for staring, I'm sorry, but you were staring too. Is my face devastatingly charming also?"

"No. It's not. Now, I am going to go my separate ways. See you, weirdo." I bumped my shoulder into his arm, and stalked away angry.

"Hey!" He called back, and I could hear the shuffle of his footsteps slapping the pavement as he jogged forward to catch up. When he reached me, he put his hand on my shoulder to stop me.

"Don't touch me again. I don't know you, and I'm not interested in getting to know you. Back off." I shake off his hand and glare at him before asking, "Why are you so interested?" But immediately regret it. I was encouraging conversation. I should have left, and not even spoken.

His brown eyes searched my face, making me feel uncomfortable. "We go to the same school."

Not sure what he was getting at I stared blankly at his face. "So?"

"We've never talked before," a nervous smile broke out on his face.

"Yeah, I don't talk to a lot of people. I'm sure you don't harass every girl you see who you haven't talked to before. Why me?"

"You're different. And I feel attracted to you." His cheeks flushed.

Inside my head was screaming DANGER! DANGER! Walk away! But I ignored it. Curiosity killed the cat, after all. I could feel a smile that tugged at the corners of my lips. Was I smiling? God, I hoped I wasn't blushing.

I tried to put on a stoic face and look uninterested. "I know I'm different. But the feeling's not mutual," I replied coldly. But I couldn't hold it in much longer. I broke. "Hey, okay, I'm sorry. Alright?" My face turned red and I glared at the ground. I sounded sarcastic, but I actually was being sincere.

The moment of silence between us seemed heavy and almost crushing. But why did I care? I didn't know the weirdo, nor did I think I ever would. Yet there was just... something different.

After a few moments, he spoke. "I understand why you don't want to hang out with me. I'm a stranger, and you know, stranger danger right?" He paused, lips pressed together before he continued," But what if I take you to a public place, or even better, you meet me there. Bring a friend, a weapon, whatever, you won't need it anyway." He shrugged his shoulders and searched me with his light brown eyes.

Inside I was still screaming, but in a different way now. I had an impulse to say yes, to say it with confidence, yet a coolness. And I did.

"Deal. I'll see you at the Sugar Shack at 3 tomorrow. Don't be late."

Yet after all hindsight is 20/20.