Hello August, Please Be Good To Me

Chapter 19: Fragile Blackbird

Sierra is the only person I felt safe pouring out my heart out to, so to speak. Today we're in Starbucks, both of us with white chocolate mochas and a cake pop each. I purposely leave out any details of sleeping with Justin, not because of age differences, but because I'm afraid she'll judge me. "He's the only guy I've ever been this close to, not like a friend, and I'm literally doing everything you could do to get rid of him. But I don't wanna get rid of him," I finish, and suck in my lips. Sierra doesn't look fazed. "Lyric, when you think of Justin, how does he make you feel?" she asks matter-of-factly. I feel my lips turn up quickly, and the heat turn up in my cheeks. I still have the sketch I did of him, and even after making a fool out of myself twice, I take it out just to look at him sometimes. I sound creepy even to myself. "Mmm, yeah, you're definitely in love," she concedes, and my smile dimmers.

"What does that even mean?"

"What?"

"I'm in love. I'm in love," I scoff, "just because a guy makes you all mushy inside and he's attractive and all and your dating him doesn't make it love."

Sierra looks at me as if I've lost my mind. "Lyric, what are you afraid of?" she asks suddenly, and I nearly choke on my drink. "Come again," I sputter, waving off a lady who comes to pat me on the back. "He tells you he loves you and you literally fall to pieces. You really act like it's the end of the world. Wait, he's not rushing you to put his meat in your taco is he?" More accidental inhaling of large amount of mocha. More sputtering. More coughing. Now I'm hacking and in tears. "No," I say hoarsely, and ignore the concerned stares from other coffee drinkers. Sierra doesn't look convinced. "Dump him," she says simply, and I realize what turn this conversation has taken. "No, no, no...it's not like that Sierra. He hasn't pressured me to do anything I don't wanna do. I met his parents," I say to change the subject, but my cousin doesn't budge. "Oh, nice. I hope you didn't like them, 'cause Justin sounds like bad news." I put my face in my hands. "Sierra, calm down it was my idea-" I clamp my mouth shut, and Sierra's dark eyes brighten. Her hair is in jumbo twists put into a high bun on her head, and between the two of us with my natural hair pulled into something resembling mouse ears, she looks older. But I still have her beat in the height department.

"Come again?" She asks, and I open up my cake pop, knowing I'm not going anywhere anytime soon. "You did it with him?" she whispers softly, almost excitedly. Too excitedly for a near fourteen year old in my opinion. "No. Eww," I say scrunching up my nose and showing my own age. Or not really. "We just, eh" I start, moving my fingers around in vague gestures as if I can communicate to Sierra that way. She rolls her eyes. "Did you, or did you not? No, better question, are you or are you not a virgin?" My eyes narrow at her point blank questions, but she just gives me a friendly smile as if all is good. "Yes I'm still a virgin. No, I didn't do it." Sierra narrows her eyes at me. Challenging me. "What's the rest of the story?" she asks, and I relent and tell her about the infamous sleepover, and Justin's constant checking up on me afterwards. Her eyes soften. "You're afraid of being intimate," she says to herself as if she's figured it out. I finish off my cake pop.

"Says who?" I scoff.

"Says you're actions! This isn't just because he said he loved you," she says to me now.

I'm quiet, mostly because I don't have a good come back. "Although the whole thing with his junk juice," I scoot my chair back instantly, "that's just nasty," she shivers as if she can see it in her mind, and I already regret my description. "Maybe you don't need to be in a relationship," Sierra says places her cheek in her hand. "You're so fragile. This boy who could be a legit model, broke up with his girlfriend for you, took you to meet his parents, buys you stuff, buys stuff for your ass," I tune her out, sipping on what's left of my drink. Is this her nicer way of calling me a wimp? And ungrateful it seems. I don't have commitment issues, if that's what she's trying to pin on me.

"So what did uncle say?" I return back to the conversation. "About what?" I ask, and gather our trash in a pile. "About Justin. What did he say about your boo thang?" I give her a blank look. "Lyric, you're dad doesn't know you have a boyfriend!" Her voice goes up a full octave, and I try to shush her.

"Why are you so freakin' loud?"

"When were you planning on telling him? Or telling Justin that you haven't told Uncle!"

People are staring at us again, and I stand up to head for the door. We've been there long enough. "Sometimes I just don't understand you," Sierra says, and let myself in the car and buckle up before unlocking the car doors to let her in. "And you don't think you're a piece of work?" I snap, and Sierra opens her mouth to say something before deciding against it. "Exactly." Say triumphantly, not feeling triumphant at all. "Tell him about Justin, and I'll take back what I said," Sierra says to the open window. "Okay, I will!" I whip the Camry out of the small parking space with more force than necessary and nearly clip the parked car behind us. Sierra keeps quiet the whole ride, and it feels different than our normal car silence. I think about the last time I took a ride with Justin, and realize it's been a while. And I really miss it. But I don't miss Justin's worried glances, or the way he seems to tiptoe around me like I might break. Again.