Alleviate

11|onze

The moon was peeking through the cream coloured curtains as she shed a pale light on the trees that outside play with the wind. I sat on the floor looking at the sky. There was no looking at myself-in-the-mirror ritual or waiting for a man in scantily clad clothing. The silence of the night sang me a song of comfort and it was in this very moment where I was glad I could hear birds instead of the loud music that oozed sexuality, that I could blink at the sky and feel free enough to let my mind wander. It could wander where it pleased, finding ease in my solitude and silence, no fear of consequence, no condescending force pushing it into dormancy.

It somehow came to me that the leisure of being able to think freely was a gift which I could ever rarely enjoy. My time with Delilah had proved that I was a chained prisoner to her walls, and I could never be free, especially in the realms of my own body. My mind could only be buried under the weight of my own need for survival. I sighed at this thought, acknowledging the reality that I had been dealt with.

Funnily enough, I could feel the joy of wanting to get into a bed as a plead of my tired body, something very new to me as I hated beds, it was the homeland of my nightmares and fears. But today, the warmth of the bed felt like a cocoon that made me want to stay, when generally, on a normal night, I yearned to leave a bed or cringe at the sight of one.

The last thought that passed through my mind before the night enveloped me was wondering what the next day had in store for me.

-x-

Coffee. Not the two-month old supermarket beans or the freeze-dried instant that Delilah uses. But coffee beans that had been grounded a few hours earlier. Authentic Brazilian coffee which was nutty, soft and low acid, with a nice bittersweet chocolate taste.

The smell of this coffee reminded me of how my mother would grind the coffee beans early in the morning, when I was a child. Of course, she never had the luxury of making and drinking the coffee the beans, she was paid to do grind them for someone else.

The mere smell of coffee overwhelmed me. Waking up to the smell which triggered emotions in a stranger's bed seemed to make me feel a bit uneasy. As soon as my mind started to function properly, I decided to get myself ready and make my bed. Then I walked downstairs with my back pack. The smell of coffee only became stronger.

I saw Athelio at the dining table, with coffee in his hand, reading a document. His hair was ruffled and his eyes were narrowed. He looked up as I came downstairs and smiled at me. I looked away nervously, not wanting to show any expression or emotion.

"May I go outside for sometime?"

"Of course you can," he answered gently. "Did you sleep well?"

I nodded in reply and continued to walk out the front door and onto the lawn. Barefoot on the lawn, I could feel the grass tickle me and the sunlight trickling down my back. I was in a lilac top and a long black skirt. My hair was being played with by the wind when Shasta came to me and started licking my legs. Warm grass rubbed against my feet and I felt like I could I breathe. Fresh air going in and out of my lungs.

I saw Athelio come to the porch and look at me. His eyes were on my back, I could somehow feel him watch me as I stared at the white gate. On looking straight ahead, doing nothing or saying nothing, I took deep breaths. This was therapeutic in a way that I could no explain. The wind was creating the only movement between us, the earth still moist under my bare feet. Some lone man walked through this neighbourhood playing his harmonica, while the music traversed everywhere, creating a light atmosphere that dared me to smile and admire the man's skill. The calm that my restless mind had attained made me feel natural and abnormal simultaneously. It made me want to delve deeper into this temporary moment—this sweet illusionary order of things, with no Delilah, no disturbance, no chaos. This music to my ears felt like an oasis to a nomad, my thoughts caressing my mind into believing that I was free.