Let me be your hopeless Dream..

Chapter 4

Brian had never really fancied being alone but neither did he despise it totally, he liked to know there was someone around and still he needed time for himself. He considered himself pretty introverted and even shy but once he was comfortable around someone, his insecurities would fade away but it would take months of work before he'd open up to anybody, if he'd do it at all. 

Brian didn't want to live alone, not at all but simply because of the reason that he had problems with being around strangers, he never thought he could have a flat-share with anybody but his friends and since they were all living alone or weren't interested in a flat-share it was Brian, and Brian only.

At times Brian would need somebody to talk with him about anything, to distract himself from things he didn't want to think about anymore because he would go crazy otherwise and right now he noticed how much he might need somebody to talk, of course he could just drive over to Freddie's or John's but that would be different, actually he didn't want to talk about it but he needed to desperately and he noticed how much of a mess his life was right now. He cursed Roger for hunting him like a nightmare. The previous Days, even months seemed to have drained him out completely and he felt like he lived in a constant state of trying to find a place where he belonged.

Brian looked up at the clock above his sink, noticing that it was 2:30 in the morning he became even more aware of the fact that his life really was a mess 'cause he should be sleeping, like every normal human being would do at that time of Day but he simply couldn't, actually he had slept but waking up from a nightmare that shook him to the bone had fed him up and his need of sleep seemed to be satisfied from one second to the other. There was Roger and him, reliving the moments that never should've happened and Roger saying things that hurt Brian, not only in his sleep but also in his awoken state but he wouldn't think about them again, they hurt him 'cause it felt too real to be just a Dream.

The guitarist rubbed his hands over his face. God knows he was tired, his eyes were burning and his mind was in a half-dizzy state and still his body refused to let him drift off into sleep without Roger being there to haunt him. He never thought he'd end up like that, he was a fully-grown man and still he was having a heartache like a Teenager, though this was different, it was far worse than the time somebody broke his heart when he was 16. He thought about how he actually had it all and he swore that people would probably think that he was ungrateful as hell because had Fame and Money and Friends and still he wasn't as happy as he should be but Brian would gladly pass on the Fame and Money just to know that he was loved, not in platonic way by his friends but actually loved in a romantic way. Money can't buy you happiness and love will only break your heart and sometimes it seems like there was no way of being truly happy. Brian wasn't unhappy but he was broken, somehow that doesn't quite fit together, does it? He was in a bad state of mind, he truly was but he didn't felt like he was able to do anything about it, he knew that he wasn't 'cause as long as Roger and Brian weren't able to sort themselves out, there was no possibility of his mind starting to heal. If that isn't good news?!

Tea. It was time for Tea. If there was one good thing left on the world it was a nice hot cuppa tea, that was actually the only thing that would always help, in every situation 'cause it was strangely soothing so Brian grabbed but on the kettle and grabbed his favourite cup from the top shelf. It was a horrible cup, he had to admit that, horribly ugly, white with a strangely yellow flower pattern and Brian was sure that he would've kicked that thing out of his home years ago if it wasn't for the fact that Roger had bought it for him. He smiled. It was back in the very early 70s when they had no money at all, they were broke and could barely afford a living, but they were fine. Now, every living soul that's been around Brian for longer than 6 hours, knows that he absolutely loves tea and that he couldn't go more without it for more than 4 hours. He felt a little too British with his tea obsession but it literally was his favourite drink in the world and the perfect cure for a broken heart as well. Back in what must've been like late 1971, Brian was constantly complaining about not being able to drink tea 'cause he literally had broken his only mug and he could hardly drink tea from plastic cups, he wouldn't shut up for weeks 'till Roger eventually grew so annoyed with him that he bought him that horrible cup 'to match his horrible attitude'. He chuckled at that, he had been a prick at that time.