We had a puppy love kind of relationship. That naiveté, that innocence, and that joy of being young before someone tells you there's something wrong with you. For me, I always felt in the back of my mind that there was something wrong with me. I remember as a little kid, suppressing my feelings I had towards other boys. The feelings I had towards him. If only for one split second I could express how I feel without any baggage. I could never do that, I could never tell him how I truly felt. How I miss those midnight snacks, those late night giggles, and how we would give each other those soft, tired smiles before drifting off to sleep. I was afraid of him rejecting me, not feeling the same way. I didn't want to lose him...
3:27 I read as my squinted eyes stared at the clock that sat by my bed, the sunlight beaming down on my pale face as I struggled to cover it. I could hear a familiar voice off in the distance calling my name, taking a second to realize what was actually going on.
My trembling fingers ran through my dark curls as I sat up with a struggle, my head throbbing with pain. "Troye, get your ass down here" the voice called out. I pushed myself up and off of the bed with all my strength, stumbling as I made my way to the window. My squinted eyes scanned the grassy lawn, landing on a boy that stood right under my window. Connor. I could feel a sheepish grin creep across my lips, looking like a huge fool.
I fumbled with the lock on the door, my body still not fully awake. I swung the door open, almost hitting myself as I stepped outside into the bright sunlight.
"God, you're a mess." He said with a hint of disgust in his voice, a smirk visible on his lips. One's that I secretly yearned for.
I was too tired and dazed to even be offended. "Well that's what happens when you wake up at 3:30 in the evening, you tend to look like shit" I replied, my eyebrows raising as I spoke, a cheeky smile spread across Connor's face.
We walked down the long, empty road. Neither of us had said a word since we left the house. I enjoyed the silence. He didn't even have to speak, his presence was enough for me to feel content.
He stopped dead in his tracks, staring down at the zipper of his jacket. "do you think you could help me with this? it keeps getting stuck," He asked, his eyes looking back up at me. I grabbed onto his jacket, bringing him a bit closer to me as I made my attempt to zip his jacket. I could feel his green eyes beaming down at me, that intense yet quiet stare.
I struggled with the zipper, my fingers tugging hard at the small piece of metal. Connor pulled his jacket away from my struggling fingers. "don't worry about it" He said as we continued to walk.
The sound of leaves under our feet, wind rustling through the trees that stood tall on either side of the road. "You're not usually this quiet, something wrong?" Connor asked, his eyes gazing over at my face that stared blankly at the dark road. I shrugged, not able to say how I was actually feeling.
"just tired," I didn't lie, I just didn't tell him the many other reasons of why I'm not acting myself.
"Darling." He pouted, sympathy in his tone of voice. I couldn't help the little smile that appeared on my face as I heard the word darling flow out of the boys mouth.
After that I don't even remember what Connor rambled on about. Something about how I needed to start taking better care of myself, or was it something else. I'm not too sure, but he did switch subjects every now and then, which is normal for him.
He could never just talk about one thing, he always had to fit everything in. That's what I liked about him, he always had something to say, there was always something flowing through his mind. It was nice to just listen to him, the things that went on in his head. He always said how boring he was, and how boring his stories were. But they weren't, even if they were. I just enjoyed listening to his voice, the way he would chuckle every few sentences, or smile his quirky yet cute smile. I was addicted.
God, if only I could tell him how I felt without feeling afraid of what he would think. What would happen to our friendship? The things we did together, the memories we shared. Gone. Just like that.
That night I had fallen asleep around 8:37, nothing but Connor on my mind. It was like my whole world revolved around him, which it did, I can't lie about that. There was never a moment where I wasn't thinking about him. But I guess that's what love is.
People tell me that I'm just a kid, and that I don't truly know what the meaning of love is, and how it feels to be in love. But oh, I do. I know exactly how it feels. The way you get weak in the knees every time you see them. The way you out of nowhere get a huge, goofy grin on your face just by looking at them. Thinking how lucky you are to have finally found something your heart as been yearning for, for so long.
If only love was simple. If only it was simple to tell that someone how you truly feel about them without the . But sadly, it doesn't work like that. It's not that simple.Your mind is telling you not to, but your heart is basically screaming for you to get tangled up in the mess you call love.
