It's sad to think that we live in a world where some would rather die than be who they are. Maybe that was true for my mom. How she got lost in all the drugs, sex, partying, abuse. She was gorgeous, her big blue eyes, dark curls, soft freckles kissing her nose. I guess she let men take advantage of that. In some ways I'm like her, the way she let people step all over her. I remember her coming home with these men, some would even try and get at me, as if I were some accessory that came with her. My mom was like a fallen angel. She had lost her way from heaven, but I guess now, she's finally found her way back.
We drove down the pavement road, trees standing tall on either side, the window decorated with rain. Connor had been talking, but for once I hand't been paying attention. Instead, my eyes were lost in the side view mirror of the car as I watched my reflection stare back at me.
I was trying to figure out a way I could escape this, escape the world. All I wanted was to be in my own world where all the voices are nothing but a whisper, a faint whisper tucked away in the back of my mind.
I kept thinking of the time we had fooled around in the living room, the way he touched me, the way he kissed me as if he were in love. How come I'm the only one whose feeling numb and empty inside. Needing his touch to fill me up again. It felt as if the world was poison and his lips were my antidote, my only cure from getting away from everything.
Skinny love. That's what we were. Just a couple of boys who loved each other, but were to shy to even admit it, afraid of rejection. We were nothing but sad and blue, but we still managed to love each other, not matter how much we ached inside.
I guess that's what love is, real love. It hurts, but yet it's the only thing all of us crave so badly, the way a little boy craves his mothers attention. I was that little boy, crying for attention.
Every time I was around him I couldn't breathe. It was as if he made flowers grow in my lungs, and although they're beautiful, I just couldn't fucking breathe.
I was pushed out of my world and back into the real one, feeling as his hand slip onto my thigh. My gaze met his hand before they had met with his eyes. I arched an eyebrow, wondering what he had been doing, watching his hand closely as I expected it to slide a bit further up. But it didn't.
"hm?" I hummed instead of using my words
"You seem lost," Connor replied, though I still stared at him in confusion even though I knew it was true.
I felt the car shift a bit as Connor pulled over, guessing that he wanted to talk since that's all he wanted to do with me, still trying to figure me out.
"Talk to me," He had said, tugging his seat belt off of him as he let it hit the door as it was retracted back into it's pocket, the noise slightly making me cringe.
I acted as if I didn't know what he was talking about, even though I knew exactly what he was trying to pull out of me. He turned towards me, only making me feel more insecure than I already was. He raised both of his eyebrows, giving me a signal that he was waiting for me to talk, as if he was expecting me to tell him everything right then and there. But who knows, maybe I was.
"I feel dirty," I started, seeing the confused look on his face made my breath hitch in my throat, feeling as my mouth ran dry, "I can't stand looking at you without thinking about what I did."
"Troye, what are you talking about?" Connor had asked, a smirk curling the corner of his mouth a faint scoff escaped.
I wasn't sure how to put it in a way that wouldn't hurt him, but I couldn't. No matter how I told him, it would still hurt him like a bee sting to the heart. At least that's what I had thought.
"I.. I let someone do things to me, I let them touch me the way you did," I tugged at my lip nervously, feeling my hands begin to shake as the silence seemed to grow longer between us.
I expected him to lash out at me, at least that's what I imagined. But he didn't. Instead the male just sighed as if he was disappointed, his face looking the same as when my dad found a stash of blown up condoms tucked away in my closet.
"Troye, the way I touch you isn't like anyone else. I touch you with a purpose, because I want to know you, I want to know your weaknesses. I want to make myself one of your weaknesses. I don't want to just get something out of you."
I could tell he was choosing his words carefully, not wanting to ruin this perfect sentence he had crafted inside of his mind.
"I want to explore your body as if it's a maze, taking my time to go through every bit of you, finding all the secrets you have hidden for me," Connor spoke, his voice smooth, laced with a soft rasp.
For the rest of the aimless drive, neither of us had spoken. I was a bit disappointed that he didn't care much, like he wasn't hurt that I had given myself up like that. But I knew deep down he did, he was just too scared to admit it, admit that he loved me.
I guess we were both scared of the word love... seeming as if every time we tried to say it, the word would always get caught in our throats, and we would just swallow it down. But I knew he needed some time. We needed some time to grow into the flower that we were meant to be. For right now, we're still stuck in the ground, stuck in the darkness as we try to dig our way out of the dirt and into the sunlight that we both craved for.
