21/09/15
Does it really matter what you do with your life? Like really? If you want to inspire those around you, then great, but what does your existence or influence, or theirs for that matter, add up to?
You see, I'd like to claim I'm a Christian. I've been raised and brought up by two loving parents who I assume are Atheists (but that's writing for another day), and they leave me thinking. I was Christened, baptized, and given to the Lord at a very young age, I had no choice, no opinion, no voice. Not that I wish I wasn't dedicated to something,or, Someone, but I wonder what the purpose of it all is. You're probably questioning me of how I could possibly be a Christian when I think my parents are simply 'existing', but the answer is simple. My Grandmother.
Her name is Denise, but since a tender age, we all refer to her as Neecy. She is a perfect example of a granny. At least in my mind. Old, fragile, curious, kind, caring, has blue eyes, pixie-styled silver hair, hunched shoulders, thin lips and soft wrinkles that crease in all directions as she moves. She sews, knits and crotchets, and is apart of many social granny-like groups, one for example, 'Busy Bees'. Oh, and did I mention Neecy's been spending her Sundays since aged twenty at church? I don't think I know, neither have I met a more religious person than my gran. And I'm proud of that. She is the reason how and why I know God. She's the person who 'drags' me to church on the occasional Sunday; who makes me wear ironed clothes and pretty dresses, and then shows off her granddaughter to her friends. She's the person who sits next to me and holds my hand during prayer, who uses her spit to wipe dirt off my face and she's the person who gave me the courage to trust Another. Predictable, annoying and constant, but I love her.
Okay, back to where I was.
Today marks a defeat against life; a friend, family member and loved one. You may know him as Bill, or more formally as William, either or, neither nor. He battled for two years, two fucking years, against cancer. Lung cancer. The worst part is, is that he doesn't even smoke. Well, he didn't. My Dad's father...gone. Do you have any idea what that does to a person? Having someone ripped from your emails, messages, phone calls, sports days, birthdays, holidays, from your life? Gone. That word, 'gone' was the first word that had struck me in a long time. Gone. I woke up this morning to the phone ringing at quarter past five, hearing my Dad almost in a whisper, voice cracking halfway through his sentence, 'He-he's gone?'
My Dad was promised by his Step-mother and much younger brother and sister in Pretoria that they'd phone him if they thought he was going to pass. They promised him a phone call hours before, so that my dad could get on the plane and make it to his father when he died. To be right next to him, holding his hand, thanking him for everything and anything. He wanted to be there. This promise of a phone call meant so much to my Dad because he had missed his mum when she passed. Gone. Opportunity, mother, father, life. Gone.
This event has made me think through a lot, and that's probably why I'm writing this with a migraine and tears in my eyes. This year has been a dramatic change for me, physically,mentally and socially. I moved schools, met new people, made new friends. I am so thankful that I was given the opportunity to experience a different lifestyle; something that I had been dreaming of for a long time, and I got it. The fact that I got what I wanted has made me a bitter, selfish, lazy human being. This year I have fought and argued and cursed till the bitter end with my family. I have held grudges, measured my worth with attention, ignored my morals, lied, cheated; composed an image of myself just to fit in. And I ask myself if I'm happy, the answer, is no. Yes, all my friends are dear to me, and I couldn't ask for better, but my social life is probably the only thing keeping me going at this point.
Grandpa Bill's death has made me rethink 2015. Rethink my friendships, my relationships. How all my attention and energy has been converted into water oppose to blood. How my nutrients simply exist in my body in the form of H2O molecules and not in the form of plasma, haemoglobin, iron, etc, that it's suppose to? Am I living? Am I getting what I need to lead a healthy and balanced lifestyle? The completion of love and respect for my family is tainted, and I believe that's why, at the moment, I too exist.
Time is a funny thing. Crafty, sly, devilish. Once it's gone you can never get it back. I lay in bed today reminiscing all the memories I made while I was in junior school, how in the afternoons I'd run around with messy hair, big eyes, wearing nothing but sports shorts and a T-shirt. I didn't care about anything as I ran up and down the thick grassy green fields, shirt untucked, grubby feet. I remember that feeling, the feeling of irresponsibility, of freedom, of sanity. And I think, 'Is it going to get any better?' Will it get worse?',and I worry, 'will I one day reminisce about the nights I stayed up, writing on my IPad?' Is that how hard life is going to get. I can't.
I've been having minor breakdowns; senses of regret, loss, misjudgment, over judgement and pity. I don't want to look back on my life having not lived and only have merely existed. I am alive but am I living?
I want to grow old with those I love, those I've made memories with, those I'll make love and memories with. I want to fall in love with life, fall in love with myself. I want to wake up in the morning and live each day to the fullest, make my Mom and Dad proud, make something of myself so that one day, when I'm in my Dad's position I will be able to look back and know I didn't waste any time.
So my question is this, through all the trouble, all the suffering all the work and worry, my Grandpa Bill lived and then died...but what for? What is the point in living, existing, if it's all ending with death? Is a method of conditioning through trial and error a success or a failure?
If you have time on this earth, you may as well make the most of it and do everything to the best of your ability, do what makes you happy, do what makes you, you, because we're all going to end up in the ground anyway.
