Sleepless in Love

Prologue

Beep! Beep!
Ugh. Kagaya nang araw araw na nangyayari. Pag hindi ako nagising sa busina nang sasakyan sa sobrang traffic, malamang nakalampas na naman ako sa dapat kung bababaan.

"Para ho manong. Sa tabi na lang po".

"Shems. Anlayo nang lalakadin ko." Sabi ko sa sarili

Ganito na lang palagi ang routine ko. Nakakasawa na nakakapagod. Pero still I've got no choice. 'Eto lang ang buhay na meron ako. Okay na din. Alam ko na I'm still blessed unlike the other people. At isa pa, I made this choice.

Nilakad ko ang apat na block pabalik dahil sa pagkakalampas ko sa dapat kung babaan. Bagay na hindi na bago. Ewan ko ba, pero parang mas pabor pa sa akin ang maabala at magpakahirap nang paglalakad gayong maari naman akong magtricycle. O di kaya ay siguruhin na hindi ako makakalampas sa dapat kong babaan. Minsan nag iisip din ako kung may kagaya ba ako nang pag iisip. Napapagod yun katawan pero parang palagi naman may lakas para makatawid sa buong maghapon.

Tila naglalakad sa buwan ang paraan nang paglalakad ko. Dinadamdam ang usok na nalalanghap mula sa mga sasakyang makakasalubong. Bahagyang titingin sa mga batang masayang naglalaro sa gilid nang kalye. Ang mga taong nagmamadaling makauwi pagkababa nang pampasaherong sasakyan at gabi na tila araw pa rin para sa mga construction workers.

Pasado alas-nuebe na, ayon sa pangkamay kong orasan. Maganda, for sure kokonting oras na lang ang isusurvive ko at makakatulog na ako. No more long time for self pity, day dreaming and overthinking! Sa isip-isip ko.

Pagkarating nang bahay at pagkatanggal nang pampaa ay deretso na ako sa aking kwarto. Pahambalang na ibinulagta ang aking lupaypay na katawan.

I maybe tired of my daily routine, but I am so much tired of my life.

Pwede naman akong magdala nang sasakyan pero I opt to commute. Mas gusto kong maramdaman yun pagod, yun struggle nang nagbabyahe. Just to feel that I am coping with life. Para at least ramdam ko pang maging tao. At isa pa, kung magdadrive ako, baka sa aksidente ako dalhin nang lumalakbay kong diwa.

Alam mo yung feeling na you are definitely okay, yet there is something missing in your life? Yung tipong, physically fit ka naman, okay naman heart beat counts mo plus you have a  job that supports your daily living and everything you need, yet it seems that something is insufficient for you to live a life?

"Hay, buhay! Lord, still thank you for everything, for this day, for the food, for the safety and blessings I always receive from you. Pero, I am really tired...usal ko habang tila may mainit na likidong pumapatak mula gilid nang aking mata.

And.

Darkness. Pipiliting makatulog. Magbibilang nang napakadaming tupa na nawala ka na sa bilang at umulit pero nakikipagkompetensya pa din ang subconcious mind mo to take some falshbacks from the past.

Ganyan ang buhay ko. Paulit ulit. Nakakapagod at parang tila wala nang pag asang mabago pa.

My parents and brother Nathan are all in the US. Ako, nagpaiwan. Ewan, after graduation, I chose to stay here in the Philippines kahit pa pupwede naman ako magstay sa ibang bansa, kasama nila.

I am Nina, 25 years old. Single. And floating.

Floating in the edge of this earth. Looking for purpose of living. Looking for happiness that my heart desires.

Looking for the missing piece of my life. Looking for something that was being stolen from me. Looking for answers that even Mr. Google can't serve.

I'm a quiet person. I love words. Simple and vague words, as long as they express thoughts and feelings in a beautiful way. As long as they have something I like or somewhat related to my not so clear feelings toward everything, towards what was happened and most towards life.

I can still remember my old days. I used to be a happy and bubbly kid when I was young. Where everything is in its proper places. When happiness means drawing flowers and coloring it. Well, totoo ang kasabihan na masarap ang maging bata. Yung stress-free ages. Yung kapag may gusto ka at hindi mo nakuha, magtatantrums ka and will be happy if your Mom and Dad will do something to calm you and give it to you by surprise or they have something better pa than what you wanted. Yun yung mga time na you worry about your own happiness. That sharing with your siblings is not a heartache. Far from disappointment, sorrow and grievances.

And those do not stay like forever. As soon as you get older, you will eventually feel that everything tends to change. You're safe and sound zone will be invaded by other people or by just someone. And that will the start of your bitter downfall. You will failed to cover and protect your created walls from invaders. And you have no power to rebuild it again, strong enough and just like before.

Yes, life with love is not actually a magical fable, I just thought.

Yes, you will able to see an invisible sparks, but believe me, after of those sparks, nothing will follow but a complete darkness that will change every inch of you... And you've got nothing to do with it. But to cry and bear the pain like your daily
routine. Like pain stained in every breathe you took and take.

And hell yeah! I don't know where to start my life again, sigaw ko sa aking isip. Kasabay nang mga ala-ala.