A Thorn In My Side

Dishes and Doylies

I have never been more appalled as I was watching food fall from the dwarves mouths, and ale pore onto the table as they threw food back and forth. The Baggins in me was watching in horror as the blond dwarf (Filli? Or was it Kili...) walked across the table in his muddy boots, and shoved a flagon in my hands. My inner Took was intrigued by just how much food their mouths could hold and still talk. Gandalf didn't seem fazed in the slightest by the noise, flying food, or dwarf walking across my table.

"Eek!" I yelped as a piece of ham slapped into the side of my face.

Laughter erupted around the table as the meat slid off my shocked face and back onto the table. The dwarf with the funny looking hat slapped me on the back, sending me into the table by the force. He smiled down at me as I scolded around the table and rubbed my chest. My father would have a heart attack if he say the state of the table, and myself. I stood abruptly, stalked out of the room, and into the kitchen to make myself a cup of tea to ease the headache that was making itself known.

While the water boiled, I walked to my room and started to throw the rest of my things into a travel pack. Might as well do this, better than getting hit with flying food. Behind my closed doors, the roar of company became dulled ever so slightly. Neatly I packed what I had bought at the market that afternoon, along with a bed roll, a pillow, rice bag (for pains), and underclothes and wraps.

I went back into the kitchen and pored the steaming water into a mug with a tea bag. Before I could take a sip a loud knock sounded at the door. I furrowed my brow, now what? Nobody else seemed to notice, as they were all still carrying on when I passed them to get the door.

Standing in my doorway was Gaffer Gamgee. He was holding a rake and looked slightly terrified. "Miss Bella?" He asked slightly taken aback by my aggravated look and boyish appearance. Gaffer has been my gardener for years. His father worked for my father, and so on. He's a few years younger than I, and I could remember when he was born. My father threw a celebration in his honor he was so delighted.

 "Gaffer, to what do I owe the pleasure?" My face softened when I saw him.

His eyes flickered behind me to where the dwarves were (still) throwing food. "I could hear a loud noises coming from your home, is everything alright?"

The Gamgee's have always been over protective of me, ever since my parents died Gaffer would often invite me to eat super with him and his wife. "I just have company over is all. Actually, while your here I need a favor. Please step inside."

He stepped past me, and his eyes widened at the weapons that were spewed across my rug. He followed me into my study as I went to my desk. I grabbed some parchment and started to write. When I was satisfied, and now had two letters, I turned to Gaffer who was watching the dwarves with his jaw hanging.

"Gaffer," he looked at me, jaw still slackened. "I'm going to be away for quite some time. This is for you, instructions on the upkeep and what not, and here is my will." I handed them to him along with a key.

His eyes were wide. "Your leaving?"

I smiled at him. "I'll be back. But if I'm not, Bag End is to go to you."

"M-miss Bella- your are coming back though right?" He sputtered.

"Of course Gaffer, I enjoy your wife's cooking too much not to." I laughed.

I walked him to my door. He looked slightly fearful. "Your going of your own free will, right?"

I hugged him for that. "My dear Gaffer, you know more than most, I can't be made to do anything I don't want too."

"I'll keep Lobelia out Miss." He said as I pulled back.

I snorted. "I shall hold you too that."

I watched as my gardener walked down the path and out of sight before returning to the dwarves, who were apparently done eating. As I walked back into the kitchen I snatched one of my doilies that one of them had mistaken as a dishcloth.

"That's my mothers doily, not a dishcloth!" I huffed as I folded it.

The one in the funny hat (Bofur was it? Or maybe Bifur...) looked down at me. "But it's full of holes."

"It's suppose too, it's crochet." I snapped.

"And what a wonderful game it is too, if you've got the balls for it." He said with a snicker. Those who heard laughed loudly.

I made a frustrated noise and put my head in my hands. Great, dirty jokes made at my expense! Were all men so crude?

I walked past my now empty pantry and into the hall when the young red haired one walked over to me. "Excuse me, what should I do with my plate?"

The blond came up behind him. "Give it here Ori." So that's his name!

Ori handed his plate over and it was tossed down the hall where it was caught by his brother and tossed out of sight. More soon followed, and I felt ready to faint.

"Excuse me, that's my mothers dishes and its over a hundred years old!" I yelled.

If anything, they grew more reckless and started to bounce the dishes of elbows and shoulders. My head snapped over to the table where they were hitting my silver wear together, smacking them on the table, and stomping their feet, creating a beat.

"Could you not do that? You'll blunt them!" I stressed.

"Hear that lads?" The one in the funny hat said. "He says we'll blunt the knives."

They laughed at my dismay and carried on. Soon they were singing.

"Blunt the knives bend the forks! Mash the bottles and burn the corks! Chip the glasses and crack the plates, that's what Bilbo Baggins hates!" Dishes flew past me at a dizzying pace.

"Cut the cloth tread on the fat! Leave the bones on the bedroom mat! Pour the milk on the pantry floor! Splash the wine on every door!" My hands tugged roughly at my short curls when I saw dwarves doing cartwheels and flips of my antique furniture.

"Dump the crocks in a boiling bowl; Pound them up with a thumping pole; And when you've finished, if they are whole, Send them down the hall to roll!" I clenched at my heart at the staggering height at which they carried stacked plates and bowls.

"That's what Bilbo Baggins hates!"

I burst into the kitchen where my plates were stacked, cleaned, and fine. Yet again, they all laughed at me. My heart felt about ready to give out. Gandalf chuckled good naturedly. A loud knocking shook my front door.

"He is here." Gandalf said.