Tom Hiddleston Oneshots

'Round And Around We Go

WARNING: This story includes self harming and blood. Please do not read this if you are triggered by blood and self harm in general. 

I didn't want to do it. I tried. I pushed the urge away, but I lost. My hands shook as I searched for my blade that I hid months ago.

Tom didn't know of course. I always did it in a different place; always waited for one to heal before cutting another.

He never knew and that was the way it was going to stay, or so I thought. I finally found it and went to the bathroom, turned on the sink and closed my eyes. Tears flowed down my face and I breathed heavily. Every part of me wanted to stop, but I couldn't.

I didn't open my eyes until the cut was made and the blood was washed down the drain. Once I saw it, the tears ran faster. The hate I had for myself built up enough for me to want to make another cut. I don't understand why this was happening. I had been clean for months.

I closed my eyes and prepared to make another before I heard the garage door open. Suddenly my urge was replaced by fear. I looked down at my bleeding arm and the traces of red left in the sink. He wasn't supposed to be home yet.

It wasn't time. I moved quickly, wrapping my arm in a towel and applying the pressure to stop the bleeding. I splashed cold water on my face to hide the fact I had been crying. I thoroughly rinsed out the sink before exiting the bathroom still clutching the towel around my arm.

Once Tom had gone to take a shower I would bandage it up.

I met him in the kitchen. "You're home early," I said.

"Yeah, I just thought maybe we could go get dinner and then watch a movie," he said as he removed his shoes. He looked up at smiled, but the smile quickly turned into a concerned face. "Have you been crying?"

"No," I shot back.

"You look like you have been. Did you not have a good day? What's with the towel?"

"Oh I got a scrape on the way in and I'm just tired, Tom."

"Well in that case, we'll get take away. Pizza ok with you?" He wrapped one arm around me.

"That's fine." I kept my voice as steady as possible. What was worse than relapsing? Lying to someone you love.

He kissed my cheek. "Excellent. I'm going to take a shower and then when I'm finished we can order the pizza."

He walked off and as soon as he was out of sight I removed the towel an looked at the pink puckered skin where I had taken out my frustrations. I placed a band aid over it and relaxed.

He thought it was a scrape. No big deal. Until I realized that he was going to take a shower and I wasn't completely sure if I had hid the blade again.

My stomach lurched as I sped walked to the bathroom. Hopefully he hadn't noticed it and I could slip in and take it without him ever knowing.

I couldn't have been more wrong.

I stopped dead in my tracks. He stood there with it in his hand. "What's this?" His face was mixed with concern and confusion. I stood there speechless. "It's got blood on it."

I remained frozen, but the tears had begun to stream down my face.

"What is this?" He repeated. His voice a bit louder this time.

"It's mine." I said looking at my feet. I raised my eyes, not meeting his, but off to the side.

"Why do you have this?" His voice quivered as I imagined he was putting the pieces together. "Your arm," he nodded at the bandage. His face flashed with anger, but the returned to something more scared than anything. "Do you take me for an idiot? Because I'm not one, you know."

"I know," I whispered.

"Did you do that to yourself?"

Silence fell. All that was heard was my breathing through the tears.

"Tell me." he said. There's a hint of disappointment in his voice.

"Yes," I gulped.

He stood there staring at me and for the first time I met his eyes. Brimmed with tears he looked at me. "Is this the first time?"

"No," I whispered.

He broke then and we stood there, both of us crying. I closed my eyes and looked down. He probably hated me now. I slid to the floor where I saw clutching my knees to my chest as I continued to cry. He was going to leave, I know it.

I was proven wrong when I heard him fall to the floor next to me. His long arms wrapped around me and held me tight to him. I could feel his heart beat. It was quickened and loud.

"I'm sorry," I mumbled.

"No." he breathed. "I'm sorry. I haven't even noticed and I should have. I love you so much and you hurting yourself hurts me. You don't need to do this anymore. I'm going to be here for you from now on, like I should be. We're going to get through this together. Me and you. I'm here. I'm here." He was crying and I couldn't help but feel terrible that I had caused him so much pain because of me.

"No more," he said. "No more."

My head fell into the crook of his neck. I nodded.

"Promise me."

"I promise." and I meant it too.

We stayed like that for what seemed like hours. His arms wrapped around and around me and for the first time I felt like I could finally beat this. No more hiding. He was here and we were going to get through this. 

Together.