You're kidding. Yes? No? Well you should be! A diary and myself will never have a relationship together! But alas, Arin's constant bugging for me to keep one finally caught me at bay.
No. This is not a diary for my heartthrob throughout my life, my many hopes and dreams and my secret insecurities. No! This is where I account certain experiences that happen in my everyday life. Ones that aren't worth publishing.
I won't do this whole "oh hello diary! my name is-" No. Because I can say myself that I am a 26 year old man that hasn't got time for weary introductions to my life. I already know who I am, why should I be the one to write it down consecutively?
Mark. My name is Mark. I won't tell you anything else. The fact that I've told you that already has consequences that I am not willing to face. I entirely blame you.
Love is a certain feeling present in my life right now because of certain people, one of those being Felix. Felix Kjellberg. Yes, the absolute heartthrob of YouTube. The one everyone wants. But I'm different. Not in the "He's supposed to be with me" way, in the "No way ever" way. It kills me to say so, but it is nothing less than the truth. The truth which I will most likely never reveal to anyone.
I won't talk about Jack, he's nothing more than a friend, not even a close one at that. All of this Septiplier is getting out of hand, I should stop it before it gets too much. But who am I kidding? That would be killing all of the fun! And most likely result in late night Skype calls from Jack, asking why I did what I did, and that's not something that I would like my Friday night to become.
I need time. Time to slowly become human again after spending my days cooped up in a stuff office with styrofoam walls. Yelling at my computer screen as the pixels burn into my pupils, as well as the lights that illuminate the office for lighting. It's not a getaway, not a 'digital escape', it's a prison, where my emotions will never escape me.
I get tired. Easily. I overthink. Worry about the consequences of my actions. The very short time that I do record, the time for mistake is high. I could very easily say something, then not give about editing it out. This recklessness is all that's exciting in this life. Not like the simultaneous drama in the fandom, that's just a pain in the ass.
The fandom can be annoying. A weight on my shoulders at sometimes. They aren't something that I should have to control. They should be responsible enough to deal with their own dramas. Sometimes I'm glad I step in. Make them shut up. It almost always ends up in more talking later, but for a moment, they are quiet.
The things that I face in my life now may not be exciting. But two months ago, I had the most amazing night of my life. The one night that I finally faced my god damned anxiety and did something about it. Maybe that's a story for next time.
I know that he isn't going to like me. Or even care about how I feel. It's the type of person he is. Felix is however in LA in a few days time. Maybe something will happen then. Or maybe not, like always. The temptation to do something is always outweighed by the need to no do something.
He'll be in LA with Marzia too, so there's really no point. He's faithful to her. That's okay, I don't blame him. Really, I'm the one to blame. My stupidity of falling helplessly in love with someone that already has someone to love. It's my own fault, really. I really have no one to blame for my careless actions of letting myself slip into the oblivion that is Felix Kjellberg.
I guess I will just have to wait.
Here, I tell you, is 7 ways to die. Or rather, 7 ways to be emotionally killed by Felix Kjellberg.
Shall we begin?
