WAY TO DIE #2
EMBARRASSMENT IS INESCAPABLE
The certain term of embarrassment is;
a feeling of self-consciousness, shame or awkwardness.
Which is a particular feeling in Felix and I's strange relationship that we have between us. Mostly it's me that feels this certain pain as you could call it. However, there has been a few particular times where Felix has been the subject of these particular feelings. These happenings are on so rare occasions that they mostly pass me by, only realizing later after thinking about the certain conversation.
With my clumsiness, and my no-hesitation-to-say-the-truth sense, it should be honestly no surprise that I am mostly the one faced with embarrassment. Even though Felix sometimes doesn't even spare a thought for it, I am hard on myself. There is no time or place for embarrassment with me, yet still manage to have these circumstances on a regular basis. In which circumstances I find myself with more than one reason to lock myself in a cupboard and never come out.
Many of the times that i have been embarrassed around Felix have been entirely my fault. As well as my no-hesitation instinct, my obsession with knowing the truth, knowing the absolute full story has pushed me to be more than annoying around Felix. Especially concerning his and Marzia's relationship, which really should be non of my business. But of course I notice when Felix's got that 'ugh' look in his eyes, even as much as he tries to hide it from himself.
There was one time where Felix was embarrassed, yet too tired to care. He had come out of recording one night, tired as ever, most likely from multiple rage quits during the video. And for a moment, just a couple of precious seconds, I would swear Felix's brain stopped working.
"Mark?"
"Yeah?"
"I love you."
"What?!"
However, the moment was then over. His brain taking over again, his thoughts waking up finally.
"I-I u-um..I meant...I think you're a good friend."
The pink tint covering the apples of his cheeks said differently.
A normal person would know that he was lying the second time, convince themselves that he loved them. I do believe that, but for no one's sake at all, I refuse to believe it.
Back to my nosiness with his relationship with Marzia, it got to a point so bad, that I was mentally kicking myself, mentally setting myself on fire, and I'm sure Felix was too. I was annoying myself with my non-relevant questions about how they were, and what they were doing that weekend. Felix of course, didn't think it was that bad, but for me, all hell was breaking loose. The fact that I was asking questions to my best friend, the man that I love, about him and his girlfriend was physically killing me. I swear between the time I started asking these questions, and the time I stopped, my fake laugh had gotten 500% more believable, as well as 500% more fake.
"Oh, you and Marzia are going to San Francisco this weekend? Nice!" FAKE
"You're going to the cinema tonight? Sweet!" FAKE
"Oh you're going to propose? FAN-FUCKING-TASTIC"
Yes, you might have horrible luck with your embarrassment, you might have no idea at all what to say to your crush, your situation may very much be 700 times worse than mine, but purely focusing on the way I handled mine, I think I'm loosing out of all of us handling-wise. Or maybe, even situation-wise too.
